Two and a half years later

Recently the news has been filled with story after story of parents losing their children much too young, and it hits home every single time. I've learned that ,regardless of the age of your child when you had to say goodbye, the pain is unimaginable even for those who have experienced the same. I never know what to say, along with everyone else, because the truth is I know that nothing makes it better. There aren't magic words that anyone can say to make you feel better or make the situation seem not so bad - in fact it usually backfires when people make an attempt to 'bandaid' the situation.

I once had someone tell me "well, at lease you didn't have him for that long so it couldn't have been as hard as someone who lost them at age 5, 10, etc". I stood there dumbfounded not knowing what to say. I don't compare my loss to anyone else's because it is my own, not theirs, nor is their loss mine. In the end, we have both said goodbye to our children too soon and are both missing out on monumental occasions.

Two and a half years removed from the loss of Sawyer and it still hurts just as bad. I've learned to deal with daily life, but when it hits, it hits hard. I will never forget attending a support group about 6 months after he passed away and we were celebrating the birthday of another angel baby who would have been five years old. I watched as the mother sobbed, the same way I sobbed, only there were years between our loss. I think before then I had this strange thought that surely I wouldn't be this upset forever, but on those special days I know I will. When I got home and told Josh - it's always going to hurt this bad. Sure, daily life has gotten easier to deal with and I feel that I have a better hold on my emotional stability and how I deal with the pain. The special days though rip straight through my heart, and some days its just a random day when a random thought pops in to my head. For instance, we have been discussing fitting two car seats in the backseat of my car - when it should be three. I've even been hit with a wave of sadness when the hostess how many are in our party, because one is always missing.

Days go by when I don't cry, but never does a day go by when I don't think about that sweet boy. The days when the tears hit can be completely random or tied to a specific event or holiday. I wish he was here with us always, and even at 2-1/2 years removed from the freshness of it all, it still feels so fresh. It feels fresh when people don't acknowledge him in our growing family. It feels fresh when I am reminded he won't be here for the holidays. It feels fresh every time I look at Rhory and wish she wasn't missing out on that sweet big brother- little sister relationship. It just feels fresh. 

Until next time,

Ashlyn

Rhory Camille: HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY!

I absolutely cannot believe it! Our baby girl is ONE!! 

Of course we had a kitty cat themed party for her - more pictures to come! She has restored so much joy to our family and we are so thankful for her every day!

At one year old she is:

-saying mama, dada, kitty, meow, and eat

-she took her first steps on her birthday!

-she loves her kitty cats and chases them around the house

-she loves to giggle 

-she loves any food we put in front of her, really, anything!

-mandarin oranges are her favorite 

-she is slightly anemic so we are working on that

-she likes to kiss her baby dolls and give them hugs

-she isn't much for snuggling but we do get hugs occasionally! 

-she weighs 18 pounds and is almost 30 inches tall

-no more bottle, only soppy cups

-whole milk!

-haven't introduced juice yet

-she wears bows less frequently because she always tries to take them off and put them back on with great frustration ha 

-she loves the outdoors!

We are so overwhelmed with love for her and again, are thankful daily!  

Rhory Camille: Eleven Months

Well, I am way behind on this! Rhory turned 11 months on August 4, and a lot happened during her 11th month of life! She had her first trip to the beach, found out she would be a big sister, and mommy went back to work! Lots of changes that she handled like a champ. I am so thankful for an easy going baby who rolls with the craziness that is our life. She started saying mama and dada a lot during this month and pulling up a good amount, but no real steps. My dad predicted it would be soon, though!

I'll post a collage of her 11 month pictures soon but for now I am glad to have the post done!

Rhory Camille: Ten Months

Look at that sweet baby! She has such a personality and is constantly making us laugh. Her tenth month of life was filled with much excitement! I started a nanny job so she was constantly surrounded with her "new" friends - a 7 year old girl and a 9 year old boy. They loved her, too! Every afternoon when we dropped them off she would cry and cry because she didn't have her back seat entertainment! 

I have stopped relying on my measuring skills, hence the "ish" in the photos near the weight and height. Ha! 

Her ten month birthday was on the Fourth of July! She wasn't too fond of the fireworks but she had a weekend long celebration! I'll make the slideshow of pics later and post them :) it is so hard to believe she will be a year old soon... I desperately need to get to planning her birthday party! 

Ashlyn 

Rhory Camille: Nine Months!

Nine months! Her first birthday is approaching so quickly - I just can't believe it!! I am so way behind on this post :( but, life has been busy and her ninth month of life happened to be during the month of May which is a super hard month as it is. She has been cutting two teeth and eating more and more! I will put some pictures in a slide show and post them!

We love our sweet girl!

Sawyer's 2nd Birthday

It's crazy how fast time has flown by, and the fact that I am over a month late on this post!

Sawyer's second birthday was rough and it hit us hard. I think with Rhory being here it made us realize everything we have missed out on with Sawyer. All of the things she does are also those things we are realizing we will never see him do. Grief and joy fully existing within the realm of one another. 

We decided to do the art drive again - mentioned in an earlier post - and I took that down on the two year anniversary of his death. We were able to donate a lot of art supplies for the kids! Next year I want to get restaurants involved as drop off locations and make it super big.  

We didn't do a dinner or a get together because I just didn't want to. Josh and I took Rhory out to dinner and then met up with a few friends and family for a lantern release at the grave. We found heart shaped lanterns that I knew would be perfect. We spent the day at Fernbank just enjoying family time, and creating memories. After releasing the lanterns in the evening we grabbed some ice cream at Dairy Queen. A perfect birthday treat that I knew Sawyer would enjoy!

Happy birthday Sawyer! We love you forever and always!

Rhory Camille: Eight Months!

 

Rhory has had a very exciting month! She has started crawling, waving, and saying da-da. She can also sign 'milk' - and we are working on 'more' and 'all done'. She amazes me every day with her new abilities and her excitedness to explore. She loves trying new foods and we are currently trying to stay away from bananas and cheese because she has been a little stopped up. This past month we also celebrated Josh and I's third anniversary and my birthday! Life is moving so quickly, I am ready for it to slow down. Soon we will be celebrating this sweet girls first birthday - what?! She is still nursing and that is going great, so I am very excited that we have been able to make it this far. This month we also participated in the 2nd Annual Congenital Heart Walk in the Greater Atlanta Area in memory of Sawyer. Every time we go visit his grave, Rhory is just as happy as can be! I know she knows how much her big brother loves her because I tell her all the time and I know she loves him too!

I usually post a lot of pictures, but I have become weary of people taking them so I created a slideshow and will do that for months to come...

Sawyers Art 2015

 

Josh and I are so excited to be collecting art supplies again this year to donate to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta (CHOA)! We will begin collecting them tomorrow, May 1, until Tuesday, May 26. I will be taking them down to CHOA on May 27. As you know May 27 will mark two years since Sawyer's passing, but last year it was very healing to be able to take such a large donation and give to the hospital on a day that really holds so many sad feelings.

I created a flyer this year, that hopefully we can make go viral, and I will post that at the bottom of this blog post. Here is the link to our post from last year. We were so overwhelmed with the success and we are going in to this year fully expecting this year to be even BIGGER, but we need your help!

We are looking for *NEW* art supplies. Supplies must be new because they are being donated to the hospital and we want to make sure they are free of any possible germs. Here is a detailed list of things you can donate:

-Construction paper
-Printer Paper
-Colored Pencils
-Crayons
-Markers
-Pens
-Stickers
-Yarn
-Beads
-Glue
-Scissors
-Glitter
-Bubbles
-Playdoh
-Stencils
-Foam
-Paint
-Paint Brushes
-Pipe cleaners
-Ribbon
-Chalk

These items will be given directly to the Child Life Specialists and both children in the hospital and their siblings use the supplies as "Art Therapy". All of the supplies are well appreciated and last year they were so thankful!

Out of town but want to donate? You are more than welcome to visit our Amazon Wishlist! Here is our flyer - please share with anyone and everyone you think will be willing to help us make a wonderful donation in honor of Sawyer's 2nd Birthday!

 

 

Thank you in advance for your help/donations!

 

With love,

The Murphys

It never ends...

I've been slacking on updating the blog and using it for what I really intended - to get my feelings out and "on paper". But here lately I've really been needing to write, and quite honestly I have just been putting it off because I thought the 'feeling' would just go away, but it hasn't.

We are well in to the month of April, which means we are that much closer to May. The month of May holds such a negative connotation for me, and many others. The month of May holds the day of my firstborn's birth but also his death. The month of May is holds 18 days of reminders of the battle we fought for him, starting at his first second of life outside the womb. The month of May just makes me sad and want to crawl in a hole to hide until it is over. But the reality is that it is never "over". Sure - May goes by and the actual month ends yet the cycle of grief continues and never ends, constantly changing and constantly surprising me.

I have cried every day the last week on the way to work and have told no one, well, until now. As May quickly approaches it becomes tougher and my emotional state quickly becomes less and less easily managed.

^I started that a week ago and I am just now at a place to finish it. The week before the heart walk was rough and I was reminded that grief never ends. It constantly changes. And, I am less aware of my triggers. "Team Sawyer" raised a great amount of money to be donated to two great organizations that are working towards finding better ways to treat CHD's. Not only was this past weekend the heart walk, but it was also my birthday! I have always loved birthdays. In fact I have scolded my mom about never throwing me a surprise party and she says "you always plan something first" and it's true. As my birthday comes and goes it now also serves as a reminder that Sawyer's birthday is literally just around the corner and I have 13 days to get it together and make it through. I don't want to say the rest of my life will be in the shadow of his death - but the reminders that he isn't here are always around.

Grief is a process that I don't have figured out, and that is okay. I don't have to have it all together all the time - a piece of my heart is and always will be missing.

-Ashlyn

Rhory Camille: Seven Months!

We are now on the downward slope towards one year! It's hard to believe our little princess is already 7 months old a - time moves much too quickly. Rhory is getting closer and closer to crawling (although right now it is backwards lol). She loves food and has gotten better and better at eating "real" food. I am so happy with our decision to do baby led weaning and skip purées. She also has some great skill with the spoon, feeding herself applesauce and yogurt!

Here are some pictures from her 7th month of life:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's been another great month!

Love,

Ashlyn