& sometimes the sky rains night after night

Well, it's yet another "holiday" that we are spending without our boy. I've heard the first year is tough, but the second is worse - not looking forward to that. The closer we get to Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas the more my heart aches. Remembering the giraffe Halloween costume that a sweet friend bought that will go without being worn this year. Remembering the Santa outfit I bought last year for $3.60 at Kohls that will also go untouched this Christmas. Remembering the "My 1st Thanksgiving" bib and adorable turkey hats that were crocheted for us that will all go without anyone to wear them this year. Remembering all the dreams and memories that will go undone and unmade. How do you get excited for the change of seasons and the coming of holidays when it all just sucks? How do you prepare to wake up Christmas morning to what should be the laughter of a baby playing with their new toys but instead will be silence and tears of two parents who are living life without their son? How?

I've learned there are three types of people when you are grieving. Those that love you through it and continue to be the supportive friend they always have been and always will be, those that act awkward every time they see you and probably will be that way forever, and those that avoid you at all costs because they "don't know what to say". I like to spend as much time with the first group of people than the last two. In fact, if you have been the one avoiding me or my husband at all cost, don't expect to come back around when life gets great again and we aren't so sad and heartbroken all the time. The saying "you find out who your friends are" has never been more true than the last year of my life. I am thankful for the friends that cry with me, laugh with me, and listen to my stories whenever I have the urge to share. I am thankful for the friend that dropped everything she was doing last Monday to take me out for dessert and listened to me sob for two hours. I am thankful for the friend that texts me to tell me what a wonderful momma I am and how proud she knows Sawyer is of me. I am thankful for those friends who listen to my sadness, even when it's the same thing over and over again. I am thankful for the friends that don't try to act like nothing happened, because it hurts when people do. 

I have started to reach the stage where I am struggling to get close to people but I am also trying to cherish life and every moment. I know what it's like to have something you are so attached to ripped right out from under you, and I don't want to feel this ever again, EVER. I also know what it's like to not experience things with my son, so I want to make the most of every moment and make memories with my family and friends. I've been struggling with how to deal with my grief. I've been trying to figure out how to handle the intense pain that comes over me so hard it almost knocks the breath out of me. I know for the most part what doesn't help but sometimes I do those things anyways. I am still working on what does work - usually surrounding myself with a lot of Oreos and having a good cry. I've learned if I hold it in it makes the next wave that much more intense. 

I'm still having vivid memory dreams. They are so real I sometimes wake up confused as to where I am and what is actually going on in my life. I can literally remember everything. My outfit, Sawyers sheets, the yellow color of the wall, the smell of the hallway walking to the waiting room, everything. The one that I have had more and more recently is of the night that Sawyer passed away. I think it was brought on by a picture on my computer I saw a few weeks ago of our family, all three of us, just less than an hour before our baby left our arms and went to be with Jesus. The picture is so haunting and miserable, yet captures so much. We don't have fake smiles plastered on our face and it isn't your typical family picture. We look tired, torn, and hanging on by a thread. If a picture could say 1000 words, this one would say more. My memory dream plays this back just about every other night. Sometimes I wake up with tears in my eyes, sometimes I wake up with the sincere hope it was just a dream and I can go pick up my baby from his crib, and sometimes I wake up wanting to throw up. Every time results in tears. I love remembering my sweet boy, I don't love remembering the look in his eyes the night we said goodbye and his daddy told him "it's okay, you don't have to cry - you are going to be with Jesus." One day my nightly memory dreams will change, for now I figure out ways to deal with it. 

 

I have been realizing a lot of "I will never's " lately. 

I will never hear my son say "mommy, I love you".

I will never see my son crawl, take his first steps, or say his first words.

I will never experience his temper tantrums in the store. 

I will never teach him how to ride a bike. 

I will never watch him play golf with his daddy. 

I will never watch him have a first day of school. 

I will never watch him graduate pre-K, elementary school, high school, or college. 

I will never watch him get married. 

I try to replace these with "I will" statements. 

I will appreciate the little things. 

I will praise God for blessing me with the most beautiful baby boy. 

I will praise God for the 18 days I had with my baby.

I will keep hope that God will bless Josh and I abundantly. 

I will keep sharing my son's story with all who will listen. 

I will praise God for the blessing of my students who bless my heart every day. 

I will learn to live happily again. 

I will make it through this in my own time at my own pace. 

The other day I had a third grade student come in the door for class. She normally says "hi, Mrs. Murphy", but not that day. She walked right in and said "hi, Sawyer's mommy". I thank God for moments like this. 

I have been listening to the song "Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant. The words are great. 

"You would think only so much can go wrong

Calamity only strikes once

And you assume this one has suffered her share

Life will be kinder from here

Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years

Sometimes the sky rains night after night

When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions

It's more than our optimism

Let the earth quake

Our Hope is unchanged"

I continue to trust The Lord and his goodness for our lives. I may not see the reason for this suffering this side of Heaven, but that's okay. Sawyer continues to touch more people than most will in a lifetime and when people see his footprint on my foot or his name on my wrist, they ALWAYS ask and I ALWAYS share.

Until next time,

Ashlyn

Happy 3 Month Birthday, Sawyer!

Today is August 9. Today is the day Sawyer would have been 3 months old. Hard to believe it has only been 3 months since our precious boy made his entrance in to this world, but he stole my heart long before that. As soon as we found out we were expecting I knew that I was growing a love for someone that was much greater than any other love I have ever felt, a mother's love. I feel like like has flown by but also that it has dragged on at the same time. I have so much I want to say, but sometimes I can't find the words. I started this blog as a way to keep all who cared in the loop a little bit easier rather than having to call our large families every doctors appointment. I never imagined it would grow to have so many followers, nor did I think I would ever have this much to say. In school I never felt as if I was a strong writer, but now I have many people telling me to write a book. One day I think I will. Something to help other mothers (and fathers) that may find themselves in the terrible life situation we are in now. Yes, I said it. This place we are in is TERRIBLE, lonely, no good, sad, and just makes every one feel sorry for us. 

With that being said - there are good things coming out of this. I shared the story of a man who read our blog, has been through the same thing, and came to know Christ on my Facebook page a few weeks ago. I am not sure that all the details are correct in who is related to who, but that doesn't really matter. Every year we go to the beach at the same time as many other families. One of them told me that her daughter shared our story in her Sunday school class. Another girl in the class spoke up and said her cousin and her husband had a baby that passed away from the same heart defect that Sawyer had. The baby's father (her cousins husband) was struggling with understanding why this was happening to them and they ran across our blog. That man has since given his life to Christ and I am so thankful that The Lord has used Sawyer and our story to further His kingdom! What a blessing and something that makes my broken heart happy to hear. God has a plan for our lives and for Sawyer's life to make an impact on this world and I am thankful to see that unfolding. I am not sure if this man is reading my blog anymore, but I hope he is. If you are that man - I am so happy that you are now my brother in Christ. I may not meet you here on Earth, but what an exciting thing to know I will meet you in Heaven and we will BOTH see our beloved babies again. If you are reading this and ever need anything, please contact me!

Days like today are when I remember those stories, and the times that people have been encouraged through the Lord by reading my story. I know the Lord has equipped me to be a good writer so He can speak through me to those who need to hear Him. Days like today are still very hard emotionally and physically. Normally I let the sadness overcome me and take the tears in stride, but I couldn't do that today. Today I had to teach the 57 that the Lord has blessed me with in the classroom. Today I had to be their encouragement in Math. Today the Lord used those children to bless my heart. 

I wish I was the mom posting a picture of my baby with those cute "three month" stickers. I know I say that every month or in every post, but you know what? It's the truth and something I looked forward to so it hurts that I can't. Even as silly as that is I encourage all of you parents to soak it all in. Soak it in for me. Soak it in for the moms that don't get to cuddle their littles. SOAK IT ALL IN. 

 I took Sawyer his new flowers this month. Sunflowers and giraffes. Three giraffes to be exact, because that is my "three month sticker". I love how they turned out this month, I am already thinking of my ideas for next month. Arranging his flowers is the only thing I can physically do for him, so that is what I plan on doing.

 I mentioned in my last post that I have decided to limit my time on Facebook and so far it has gone great. I deleted the app from my phone and have lately only logged on  to post something. I was planning on not even posting but the kids this week were too cute with the things they said to me. Other than that I hardly skimmed my news feed, it was the source of so much pain and the reason I made the decision. I saw a post recently (the time I decided to scroll through my news feed) where someone posted a picture of their son in the same onsie we put Sawyer in after he passed away. The only onsie we were ever able to dress our son in was right there staring back at me but on another baby. My stomach and heart hit the floor. I realize that I am still not ready to scroll through the news feed anytime soon. (If you want me to know something you should send me a text or email, I probably won't see it.) The pain that comes physically is indescribable and nothing that can be cured with any medicine. My arms physically ache to hold my baby. To hold the baby I only held three times while he was here with us. I still cry when I see big brothers and their younger siblings, something that my future children won't have the privilege of enjoying. They will all know about their big brother Sawyer, but they won't know what it's like to have a big brother to play with and that makes me sad. When we take family pictures there will always be someone missing, always. I always think about silly things like - what names do I put on our Christmas card? How do I sign birthday cards? It probably doesn't matter to anyone what I write, but I still think about it. 

Whew, enough of that and enough crying for today. Let me tell you about my first week of school. I hardly slept this week so nervous and excited for each day with my students, all 57 of them. I have one third grade, one fourth, and two fifth grade classes. I start with my fifth grade class and we have Bible and then Math. This week they memorized John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life". What a great way to start the week, and a reminder for me that God understands my pain in losing Sawyer, He lost his son too. All the students memorized the verse so we had ice cream at lunch! The first day I spent a lot of time getting to know the students and they were able to ask me questions about myself. Here is how that went in EVERY class: Do you like six flags? Do you like movies? Do you play video games? (those were from the boys) How old are you? Are you married? What is your husband's name? Do you have children? (these were from the girls.) BAM - there it is. "Do you have children?" I knew this would happen, and I had already prepared myself to tell the story. Since hearing of Sawyer and that fact that he died and is no longer with us, these children have blessed my heart so much. I received a note from a fifth grade student today that said "You are the best math teacher I have ever had. I am so sorry your son died". Thank goodness he gave it to me at the end of the day because I lost it. Things like this have happened all week.

When I told them about Sawyer I made sure to say that I would see him again in Heaven one day ( a blessing about being in a private Christian school). On Wednesday I put up pictures of him and the third grade class saw them as they lined up to leave. They asked all about the breathing tube and told me how he was so cute. My word, they are the sweetest class! On Thursday a third grade girl came up to me and said "I'm so sad we didn't get to meet him but one day you can go to Heaven and take care of him all you want, but he'll probably be bigger". I could feel the tears welling up. Luckily I kept it together for the most part until the end of the day. My heart needed that though and I know that the Lord is using me to bless these children just as much as they are blessing me.

When I started teaching I was so worried the kids wouldn't like me... but boy was I wrong! I don't even care that I am bragging on myself - Ha! Here is an email I received from one of the parents:

"Mrs. Murphy, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for whatever you are doing in class. (My son) got in the car today and said he now loves math because of you and you are his favorite teacher! You have no idea how much this means to us with years of struggle with this subject. I know it's only second day of school ha ha but I really appreciate you already! So, thank you!"

Then today I received a text from a friend. She says she works for one of my students parents. That student came home and said math was his favorite class and his teacher is "pretty cool"... Hey, I'll take that!

I am blessed beyond belief to work with all of these students. I pray that this school year continues to be as awesome as it started and that I can make a difference in these children's lives through my teaching. I pray that the love of Christ is displayed through my actions and teaching. I pray that the Lord continues to use these children to bless my heart, because I know I need it.

This road has been hard. This road has been long. This road has been rough. This road has been anything but easy. I miss Sawyer SO much. One day I will be able to hold another baby again. I sometimes have a hard time even looking at a baby, but that's okay. I am thankful for friends that understand. For friends that are loving. For friends that care. No one can understand my pain if they haven't lost a child, but I am thankful for those who understand I have to do what heals my heart. I have to do what makes me ease the pain. I haven't posted these in the blog before, but I have three tattoos. I guess I kept them to myself because sometimes people are so judgmental of tattoos. But really, it doesn't matter what people think. When you have walked in my shoes then you can tell me what you would have done. These tattoos have led to more people asking about Sawyer than I could have ever imagined. If you have been looking at my pictures on Facebook I am sure you have seen them.

I have this on my right shoulder. The heart and the five x's represent his five defects. Whenever anyone sees it they always ask the significance of the five x's, I am always happy to share :)

 

Here you can see where it is:

This is when Emma Grace and I took two balloons to the beach. One for her, one for Sawyer and then we released them and were waving to them.

I have this on my wrist. Every time I pay for something or use my hand, people see his name. Questions I get: Who is Sawyer? Is that your child? How old are they? All of these questions lead to me telling his story, something I don't complain about.

 

I also have his footprint on my foot, his ACTUAL footprint. I took the footprint in we made the night Sawyer passed away. They scanned it in and he used it as reference. It is perfect and my favorite. He will forever be in my heart and he is ALWAYS with me wherever I may go.

You may have your own opinions of tattoos and that is fine. I have mine. I got these as a way to remember my son and be able to share his story. These are so special to me. The footprint is probably my favorite. 

Sawyer is my angel baby. Sawyer will be forever in my heart. Sawyer is an inspiration to live with more strength than we think we have. The cliche phrase is "God will never give you more than you can handle". This is not true. The things we go through in life draw us to Him. There is nothing He cannot handle, there are plenty of things we can handle. I honestly don't know who could handle losing their child alone, without the strength I have had to rely on from God. He is sometimes the only thing keeping me together. He is the only one that is a source of constant encouragement, especially through those friends he has put in my life. This is a shout-out to the GA Christian Mom group I was a part of before Sawyer was born and during his life. This is a group on Facebook that I was added to by a dear friend. These ladies have surrounded me with more love and encouragement than I know what to do with. Ladies - I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU AND THAT GOD HAS PUT YOU IN MY LIVES. I cannot wait to rejoin the group, when I am ready of course. You are all such a blessing and I know the Lord is working through you all to help build me up. I love you all. 

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Until next time,

Ashlyn