A Different Halloween

"I don't think I have ever NOT looked forward to Halloween, until this year."

This was a text I sent the other day when the realization that Halloween is this week came to the forefront of my mind. I haven't ever really looked forward to Halloween either, but I literally cringe at the thought of this Thursday. I made the decision yesterday to stay off any social media sites on Halloween, and probably the day after, too. It really is too much to handle. I won't forget last Halloween. I was pregnant with Sawyer, sitting in my parents living room, discussing costume options with my cousin. Discussing costume ideas that would never become a reality, for Sawyer at least. To most people Halloween is just another holiday, no big deal. They dress their kids up, take some pictures, and walk them around to different houses until either the parents or the kids get tired. Some will complain it is on a school night, some will complain because their child won't make up their mind about what costume they want to where, and some will complain about how many trick-or-treaters they have come to their house. I would trade anything to walk Sawyer to 50 houses, 100 even. I wish I could change my mind one thousand times about his costume. I wish, I wish, I always wish everything was different. 

Last year we went after-Christmas returning/shopping with some friends. We were at the Belk in Snellville and we spotted the most adorable giraffe costume. I think it was 7$, and was the perfect size for Sawyer to wear this Halloween. Sawyer's auntie Hensley bought it for him because we all just couldn't stand how cute we knew he would look in it, something we still have to use our imagination for today. Here is the oh-so-popular costume:

                                      

I don't find it any coincidence that in the window behind me there is the word, wishes. This costume holds more wishes than I thought I would ever have for my life. If you look closely you can see my 'barely-there' baby bump. This was also about a week before our lives changed forever and we received the diagnosis of Sawyer's heart condition.

This Halloween should look differently than it will. Every year it has been a tradition to go over to my parents, eat Chili, and pass out candy to the trick-or-treaters. This year we should be having them over for chili, you know- in our new house. Then we should be taking Sawyer around to the houses for his first Halloween experience. But, instead, my parents, Josh, and myself are heading out to a movie. I will be "that" new neighbor who turns their lights off and doesn't pass out candy. Surprisingly, I don't care. I want to be the farthest place away from Halloween, costumes, candy, trick-or-treaters and anything else that reminds me of all that I will be missing out on this year. I have started to notice that it doesn't matter what store I go to, whatever I need always requires me to either walk past the baby section or the Halloween section. It is inevitable, and I always try to find away around, which usually puts me right in the middle of it. 

Over the past days, weeks, and months I have surrounded myself with people who help me remember and who remind me they will never forget my precious baby boy. It has reached the point where people don't remember the 27th, until I post something on Facebook or Instagram. (For anyone who gets tired of me posting about Sawyer and my journey through my grief process just do us both a favor and delete me.) My heart will continue to ache on these days, I know over time I wont spend so much time reflecting on how different life should be on those days but for now it is still so fresh. Yesterday was a rough day all around. I try to prepare emotionally, but the truth is I never can. But through my grief and sadness, the Lord does continue to show me joy - even yesterday.

I am not sure how much I have shared about the people we met at Egleston or through this journey we had during the pregnancy with Sawyer, but there is one family very near and dear to my heart. I met Lacy through someone I used to go to church with and when I posted my first blog, she realized she should connect me with Lacy. Lacy was pregnant with Josiah at the time (in January) and he had been diagnosed with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome). HLHS is the different from what Sawyer had, but it was the same in that they both would need open heart surgery. During Josiah's first few months of life, he had a rocky start. He was born at the end of January, and when I had Sawyer in May he was back at Egleston and had been placed on the heart transplant list. Lacy and Anthony spent countless days sitting and talking with us, and Lacy and I really connected through email, Facebook and text before Sawyer was here. Since Josiah was born first, she was able to give me an idea of what to expect if Sawyer was to come to Egleston sooner than later (something I knew would happen long before he was born, momma's instinct I guess). Once we arrived, this family become our family. We cried, laughed, and did most things together while in the hospital. Josiah was actually in a room close to where Sawyer's bedspace was, and Lacy and Anthony were able to say hello and meet Sawyer. The night Sawyer passed away, Lacy was the first person we saw, and the first person who we told as we walked out of his room on our way to meet with our parents. Their friendship has meant more to us than they will ever know. Through our loss of Sawyer, Josiah continued to fight and he fought hard! He has had his second open heart surgery and is growing like a weed. Lo and behold, when we left lunch yesterday we ran in to this precious family. I know it was God reminding me that He is STILL good, and that miracles are continuing to happen all around me.

Another special part of yesterday was the Remembrance Ceremony that was put on by Gwinnett Medical. A lot of the women who attend my support group and it was just so nice to be able to share and remember our babies with one another and other sweet mom's. My parents were at our church fall festival but Josh's parents and my aunt Deedy (who is also a NICU nurse) were able to be there! We wrote notes on butterflies and released balloons. Here are some pictures:

   Throughout this journey I have been made more and more aware of the way God is working in my life DAILY, it is unbelievable. I am more aware of how things have worked together and can see distinctly parts of His plan for my life. I don't know all of the purposes for Sawyer's life, but slowly I am becoming more aware of a few. I have been able to minister to other hurting families that, like us, have said goodbye to their precious babies too soon. I have also been able to share the way that God has been working in my life, and share the love He has for not only me, but all of us as His children. I still cry at little reminders and on certain days, but I know He is working on healing my broken heart. This pain will never go away, but I am certain that it will become easier to manage. The day I am reunited with my Savior and my sweet boy will be a glorious day indeed!

Until next time,

Ashlyn

On the other side

The past week has been quite the up and down and all around. I try to keep up with my blog the best I can to capture those "big" moments, but also the ones I don't want to forget. Recently I saw a post that said "I never thought I would find myself on the other side of 'that will never happen to me' ". I feel the exact same way. I have always been that person to hear the terrible stories and think "that could never happen to me", and until now I have to be honest and say that I legitimately wanted to believe it wouldn't. Yet, here I am. Here I am on the other side. Every day is still a struggle, but with God on my side and a wonderful support system here on earth I am making it through. I know a lot of people probably think I shouldn't be so sad anymore or doing a little bit better. I am doing better, but this sadness will probably last a lifetime, only getting easier to control. I sometimes feel I take 4 steps forward and get knocked back 10. Satan is constantly working to move his way in between the relationship I have with God. Thankfully I have been able to stand strong in my faith and relationship with Christ despite the clear attempts to steer me away. Instead of letting these things take me over I choose to find joy in Christ and His provisions throughout this dark time. I love Building 429's song - "we won't be shaken"! It is true. My faith will not be shaken, and satan needs to take a seat and leave me alone!

I have lots to share since the last time I have posted. There will be a separate post for all of the pumpkins from October 15. So many people participated and for that I am so thankful - can't wait to share all the pictures!

First things first, we have hung up the NEW memory wall in our new house!

 Here is the new house the day of closing!

New memory wall, absolutely IN LOVE.

As we get more things hung up and put away I will post more pictures! The first week of October we had a fundraiser at school to raise money for our Art/Drama Department. Each day had a theme and the students LOVED dressing up! I decided I should get in on the fun. Here is a picture from each day!

Mustache Monday!

Top hat, Tiara, & Tie Tuesday

Wig Wednesday!

Throwback Thursday (to the Western days!)

Best day of the week - Favorite Friday!

So, of course, I dressed up like a giraffe.

The kids were ECSTATIC :)

I have to share with you what a blessing Trinity has been to me over the course of the last few months and also in relation to dealing with the loss of Sawyer. Many of the students lit candles for the Wave of Light. I was able to share my story with the students and my third graders have not forgotten one bit. They remind me of Sawyer DAILY and I never even have to say a word. On Wednesday October 9 it was his 5 month birthday. They remembered and one student broke out in song with "Happy Birthday" and before I could stop him the WHOLE class was singing. Then I received this on my desk from a student:

""Papper Prayer
Lord I pray for Mrs. Murphy son that you keep him safe in heaven with you Lord. And Mrs. Murfy don't you wory beacause evething is going to be alright. I keep my prayers. And I hope his birthday in heven is wonderful is wonderful! We love Sawyer!"

Blessings to my heart, they really are. Speaking of Sawyer's 5 month birthday - I took him new flowers and his cousins came to visit him! Here is my post from Facebook:

Sawyer,

Happy 5 month birthday sweet boy! I miss you so much, especially on days like today when the sadness seems to overtake me. You are the biggest blessing and I am so proud to be your mommy. Lots of people love you and miss you a whole lot but we all know we will see you again one day! I think what makes today especially hard is that it is your Otter Pop's birthday. I desperately wish you were here to celebrate with us, but I know you wouldn't want us to be so sad. I'm bringing you your new flowers tonight and I think your cousins are coming for a special visit. I made cupcakes last night - chocolate with white icing because those are your daddy's favorite and I bet you would have loved them too. I wish the pain was easier but it still stings every morning. I will love you forever, and miss you until I can see you again.
Love,
Mommy

October 13, 2013 marks one year since we made the announcement on Facebook that we were expecting. It is hard to think back to those feelings of excitement because I am still very much in the middle of my grief. I desperately wish I was still living in the midst of that excitement and joy, but I have been left with heartache and sadness. I do find joy in my memories of Sawyer and that I was blessed to be his mommy, but it is not the outcome I had envisioned that brought me so much joy when that announcement was made one year ago.

Monday, October 14, 2013 my support group put on a Remembrance Event in lieu of October 15 and National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It was a beautiful event and I am so thankful I was able to participate and remember not only Sawyer but all other babies represented by their families. We were able to light a candle in Sawyer's memory and release rose petals over the lake. The families that are a part of my support group are unbelievable and I am SO blessed that I know them, I just wish the circumstances were different. Here are some pictures from that night.

Sorry for the bad picture quality, blame it on my phone!

Thursday night was rough and I went in to school feeling down. I walked in to find this on my desk:

The student told me that he knew how much I liked pumpkins so he wanted to bring me something. (Side note: My school sent out an email with a link to my blog asking the parents and students to participate. I am continually blessed by this school and the community of people. This student told me he read the post about how much pumpkins meant to me.) I thought it was so sweet, and I knew it was God reminding me that not all things are bad. His timing with everything is so perfect! The student had written "from: your favorite student and something was scratched out above student. He came at the end of the day and said "did you see where I scratched something out? It originally said "from: your favorite man". I seriously laughed so hard! These students are great!

These days have been flying by but moving at a snail's pace. How that is even possible, I don't know. I am enjoying life but sad all at the same time. There is still so much I wish was different and I am trying to learn to live without. I am a stronger person but also a changed person. The Ashlyn that existed before Sawyer entered this world is an Ashlyn that will forever be different and that is okay with me. I have learned to cherish the moments and make memories because we don't ever know when we won't be able to make memories anymore. I was only able to make 18 days worth of memories with Sawyer, but they are the memories I cherish the most in this lifetime. I spent last night with my sweet boy. I posted about it on Facebook and someone commented saying they were sorry I had to be visiting a grave and that I wasn't at home snuggling my boy. I am too, but I am thankful for the love of my Savior and His sacrifice that means I will see my baby again. Because of the redemption of Christ and His forgiveness of my sins and my choice to give my life to Him, I will spend eternity with my Lord and Savior, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and my sweet baby boy. 

Look for a post with the pumpkins from Tuesday night's lighting, and a post from the "picture a day" Capture Your Grief challenge I have been participating. They will be coming soon. 

Thank you for your continued love and support, always meaning more than you know and more than I can convey.

Until next time,
Ashlyn

Sawyer's Memory Wall

The long awaited memory wall has finally been put up! Ever since my mom showed me the Pinterest post, I knew we had to do that for my sweet Sawyer. I wish I could say I am so happy and so overjoyed that it is complete, but it is so bittersweet. The flood of emotions I experienced the night my dad and Josh hung everything was so intense and I wasn't expecting it at all.

I try to go through daily life without thinking about all the things I am missing out on, but that usually doesn't work. The mind is an evil thing, and Satan is always on the move especially since I have chosen to chose God and His faithfulness over letting Satan take hold on my emotions. Every morning I wake up I have to fight off the thoughts of "I wonder if Sawyer would be sick today, or who would be keeping him." Every day at school I have to avoid the thoughts of "I wonder what Sawyer's favorite subject would be?" or "I wonder what Sawyer would have liked to do at recess when he was in third grade?" Questions I will never know the answer to, ever. Most of my friends are either pregnant, have kids, or aren't even at the stage of having kids. I struggle with where I even fit in these days. I have several close friends, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the thoughts of "do I really belong?" take a step into my ever running mind.

When we put up the memory wall it all came flying at me like a hurricane I couldn't escape. The wall is beautiful and holds the memories, the only memories, I will ever make with my son. But it also brought up the realization that while my pregnant friends are getting their nurseries ready and my friends with babies are posting new pictures every day, but here I am making a memory wall for my son who died. I shouldn't have to be doing that. I should be taking new pictures. I should have new stories to be telling. I feel awkward and uncomfortable when people share stories of their children because I don't have any new stories to share. The only stories I have are the ones every one has stories I have are the same ones I have already told and no one wants to hear those all the time. Some people act like I haven't even had a son, or a son who passed away, when they see me they just act like nothing ever happened. That hurts. A lot. I have a son. He isn't here with me but he is mine. My heart loves him more every day. My heart misses him more every day. My arms continue to ache for a baby I held three times, think about that the next time you complain your child doesn't want to do anything but be held.

I sometimes wonder how many people judge me for the way I grieve. Then I realize it doesn't matter. No one has walked in my exact shoes. There are those that can relate because they, too, have lost a baby. I am thankful for those people. But there is no one who found out on January 3 that something might be wrong with their baby. No one who left everything they knew behind on February 13 to head to Cincinnati not knowing when they would return. No one who spent 24 hours in labor only to have a C-section. No one who heard their baby cry but couldn't see him for many hours later. There is no one else who sat and held their baby as he took his last breath looking in to his mommy and daddy's eyes on May 27, 2013 at 9:36 PM in the CICU at Egleston. No one who sat in a room holding their lifeless baby as their parents and siblings grieve over the precious baby. No one who looked at their beautiful baby lying in a casket on May 30 desperately wishing he was sleeping and could be taken home soon. No one who had to leave the room as the funeral home closed the casket to the son we cherished for 18 days of life on Earth and will cherish for an eternity. There are those friends, though, that do their best to be there. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the texts that say "God continues to be sovereign. He is the same on the mountaintop as he is in the valley." & "I think God is trying to tell you 'I've got you, Ashlyn... always have and I'm not letting go."

The hardest thing for me is feeling like I am letting people down. There are things that I just can't do emotionally because my heart is still hurting so bad. I haven't "scrolled" through my news feed on Facebook in quite some time. I avoid it by just posting something and only looking at any notifications applying to my post. It has helped me greatly. But there are things like baby showers and birthday parties that I can't attend and as much as my heart hurts at the memories it brings up it also hurts because I feel bad. I have a 4-month old cousin (more like a nephew) that I haven't been able to hold since Sawyer passed away. It hurts that I can't hold him as much as it hurts to think about not holding Sawyer. It hurts to see pictures of new babies (another reason I limited my time on Facebook). It hurts to see the interactions of big brothers with their little siblings, something Sawyer's future sibling's won't be able to do with him. Everything just hurts. The day I don't cry will be an accomplishment.

Here are the pictures of the memory wall, some close up for a better view. Excuse the quality. My camera card isn't working and I had to use my phone.

I love this. The letters are covered in maps and painted brown. My mom did this for his nursery.

The beach picture is simply amazing and captures everything. Thanks to Brenda Jones for picking up this beautiful piece. Love my sweet heart warrior.

So glad Julie convinced me to start painting.

Love this board, and the fact I can interchange the pictures.

 I can't leave the stones that Dr. V's office gave me at the grave but I am using this vase to put them in on his memory wall. I am IN LOVE. The giraffe and elephant are the ones he had in his crib at Egleston, and my mom made an extra set that we put in the casket with him. That bag to the left is what we put the peanuts in for the name announcement.

Found this picture frame at Kohl's and I love it. It holds a picture of the first time I held my sweet baby, a memory I won't ever forget. And of course his heart warrior pillow.

This says "As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13

As we were at Walmart getting supplies to hang things up my mom found this. It was too perfect not to buy. The Lord speaks to me at every turn.

I love the entire wall, but this sunflower is amazing. I also found this the night we put the memory wall because we went to look for brown shelves for the wall. I couldn't help it. These pictures are also at the top of the list. Seeing my husband hold his son for the first time, there are no words to describe how this made me and makes me feel.

This wall is at the top of my stairs on the way to my bedroom. It is the last thing we see on the way to bed and one of the first things we see in the morning on our way to start our day. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time. 

I guess people just don't know what to say to me. And I don't know what people should say. But I don't want people to act like this didn't happen. I don't want people to act like I don't have a baby. I do. He may not be here with me, but that doesn't mean I don't have a son. It hurts to hear others share their stories of accomplishments of their little ones, but I have nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want hear them, though. I have no new stories, and I cringe at the thought that I never will. I try to focus on the joy that these parents have and that they are cherishing those moments. I pray Sawyer's story has encouraged you to cherish the moments and share them with others.

Nights like tonight I cling to Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you". Also Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Even though my heart is hurting, so bad, the Lord is with me. He is with me every step of the way. He knows my pain even when others don't. He is telling Sawyer all about his mommy and daddy and how much we love and miss him. He is taking care of my son, while I can't. He is working on healing in my heart, and He does care. These things I know are true. Even when I feel like every one else has moved on and "forgotten", He reminds me that He is right here, and He hasn't forgotten.

Until next time,

Ashlyn

Happy 3 Month Birthday, Sawyer!

Today is August 9. Today is the day Sawyer would have been 3 months old. Hard to believe it has only been 3 months since our precious boy made his entrance in to this world, but he stole my heart long before that. As soon as we found out we were expecting I knew that I was growing a love for someone that was much greater than any other love I have ever felt, a mother's love. I feel like like has flown by but also that it has dragged on at the same time. I have so much I want to say, but sometimes I can't find the words. I started this blog as a way to keep all who cared in the loop a little bit easier rather than having to call our large families every doctors appointment. I never imagined it would grow to have so many followers, nor did I think I would ever have this much to say. In school I never felt as if I was a strong writer, but now I have many people telling me to write a book. One day I think I will. Something to help other mothers (and fathers) that may find themselves in the terrible life situation we are in now. Yes, I said it. This place we are in is TERRIBLE, lonely, no good, sad, and just makes every one feel sorry for us. 

With that being said - there are good things coming out of this. I shared the story of a man who read our blog, has been through the same thing, and came to know Christ on my Facebook page a few weeks ago. I am not sure that all the details are correct in who is related to who, but that doesn't really matter. Every year we go to the beach at the same time as many other families. One of them told me that her daughter shared our story in her Sunday school class. Another girl in the class spoke up and said her cousin and her husband had a baby that passed away from the same heart defect that Sawyer had. The baby's father (her cousins husband) was struggling with understanding why this was happening to them and they ran across our blog. That man has since given his life to Christ and I am so thankful that The Lord has used Sawyer and our story to further His kingdom! What a blessing and something that makes my broken heart happy to hear. God has a plan for our lives and for Sawyer's life to make an impact on this world and I am thankful to see that unfolding. I am not sure if this man is reading my blog anymore, but I hope he is. If you are that man - I am so happy that you are now my brother in Christ. I may not meet you here on Earth, but what an exciting thing to know I will meet you in Heaven and we will BOTH see our beloved babies again. If you are reading this and ever need anything, please contact me!

Days like today are when I remember those stories, and the times that people have been encouraged through the Lord by reading my story. I know the Lord has equipped me to be a good writer so He can speak through me to those who need to hear Him. Days like today are still very hard emotionally and physically. Normally I let the sadness overcome me and take the tears in stride, but I couldn't do that today. Today I had to teach the 57 that the Lord has blessed me with in the classroom. Today I had to be their encouragement in Math. Today the Lord used those children to bless my heart. 

I wish I was the mom posting a picture of my baby with those cute "three month" stickers. I know I say that every month or in every post, but you know what? It's the truth and something I looked forward to so it hurts that I can't. Even as silly as that is I encourage all of you parents to soak it all in. Soak it in for me. Soak it in for the moms that don't get to cuddle their littles. SOAK IT ALL IN. 

 I took Sawyer his new flowers this month. Sunflowers and giraffes. Three giraffes to be exact, because that is my "three month sticker". I love how they turned out this month, I am already thinking of my ideas for next month. Arranging his flowers is the only thing I can physically do for him, so that is what I plan on doing.

 I mentioned in my last post that I have decided to limit my time on Facebook and so far it has gone great. I deleted the app from my phone and have lately only logged on  to post something. I was planning on not even posting but the kids this week were too cute with the things they said to me. Other than that I hardly skimmed my news feed, it was the source of so much pain and the reason I made the decision. I saw a post recently (the time I decided to scroll through my news feed) where someone posted a picture of their son in the same onsie we put Sawyer in after he passed away. The only onsie we were ever able to dress our son in was right there staring back at me but on another baby. My stomach and heart hit the floor. I realize that I am still not ready to scroll through the news feed anytime soon. (If you want me to know something you should send me a text or email, I probably won't see it.) The pain that comes physically is indescribable and nothing that can be cured with any medicine. My arms physically ache to hold my baby. To hold the baby I only held three times while he was here with us. I still cry when I see big brothers and their younger siblings, something that my future children won't have the privilege of enjoying. They will all know about their big brother Sawyer, but they won't know what it's like to have a big brother to play with and that makes me sad. When we take family pictures there will always be someone missing, always. I always think about silly things like - what names do I put on our Christmas card? How do I sign birthday cards? It probably doesn't matter to anyone what I write, but I still think about it. 

Whew, enough of that and enough crying for today. Let me tell you about my first week of school. I hardly slept this week so nervous and excited for each day with my students, all 57 of them. I have one third grade, one fourth, and two fifth grade classes. I start with my fifth grade class and we have Bible and then Math. This week they memorized John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life". What a great way to start the week, and a reminder for me that God understands my pain in losing Sawyer, He lost his son too. All the students memorized the verse so we had ice cream at lunch! The first day I spent a lot of time getting to know the students and they were able to ask me questions about myself. Here is how that went in EVERY class: Do you like six flags? Do you like movies? Do you play video games? (those were from the boys) How old are you? Are you married? What is your husband's name? Do you have children? (these were from the girls.) BAM - there it is. "Do you have children?" I knew this would happen, and I had already prepared myself to tell the story. Since hearing of Sawyer and that fact that he died and is no longer with us, these children have blessed my heart so much. I received a note from a fifth grade student today that said "You are the best math teacher I have ever had. I am so sorry your son died". Thank goodness he gave it to me at the end of the day because I lost it. Things like this have happened all week.

When I told them about Sawyer I made sure to say that I would see him again in Heaven one day ( a blessing about being in a private Christian school). On Wednesday I put up pictures of him and the third grade class saw them as they lined up to leave. They asked all about the breathing tube and told me how he was so cute. My word, they are the sweetest class! On Thursday a third grade girl came up to me and said "I'm so sad we didn't get to meet him but one day you can go to Heaven and take care of him all you want, but he'll probably be bigger". I could feel the tears welling up. Luckily I kept it together for the most part until the end of the day. My heart needed that though and I know that the Lord is using me to bless these children just as much as they are blessing me.

When I started teaching I was so worried the kids wouldn't like me... but boy was I wrong! I don't even care that I am bragging on myself - Ha! Here is an email I received from one of the parents:

"Mrs. Murphy, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for whatever you are doing in class. (My son) got in the car today and said he now loves math because of you and you are his favorite teacher! You have no idea how much this means to us with years of struggle with this subject. I know it's only second day of school ha ha but I really appreciate you already! So, thank you!"

Then today I received a text from a friend. She says she works for one of my students parents. That student came home and said math was his favorite class and his teacher is "pretty cool"... Hey, I'll take that!

I am blessed beyond belief to work with all of these students. I pray that this school year continues to be as awesome as it started and that I can make a difference in these children's lives through my teaching. I pray that the love of Christ is displayed through my actions and teaching. I pray that the Lord continues to use these children to bless my heart, because I know I need it.

This road has been hard. This road has been long. This road has been rough. This road has been anything but easy. I miss Sawyer SO much. One day I will be able to hold another baby again. I sometimes have a hard time even looking at a baby, but that's okay. I am thankful for friends that understand. For friends that are loving. For friends that care. No one can understand my pain if they haven't lost a child, but I am thankful for those who understand I have to do what heals my heart. I have to do what makes me ease the pain. I haven't posted these in the blog before, but I have three tattoos. I guess I kept them to myself because sometimes people are so judgmental of tattoos. But really, it doesn't matter what people think. When you have walked in my shoes then you can tell me what you would have done. These tattoos have led to more people asking about Sawyer than I could have ever imagined. If you have been looking at my pictures on Facebook I am sure you have seen them.

I have this on my right shoulder. The heart and the five x's represent his five defects. Whenever anyone sees it they always ask the significance of the five x's, I am always happy to share :)

 

Here you can see where it is:

This is when Emma Grace and I took two balloons to the beach. One for her, one for Sawyer and then we released them and were waving to them.

I have this on my wrist. Every time I pay for something or use my hand, people see his name. Questions I get: Who is Sawyer? Is that your child? How old are they? All of these questions lead to me telling his story, something I don't complain about.

 

I also have his footprint on my foot, his ACTUAL footprint. I took the footprint in we made the night Sawyer passed away. They scanned it in and he used it as reference. It is perfect and my favorite. He will forever be in my heart and he is ALWAYS with me wherever I may go.

You may have your own opinions of tattoos and that is fine. I have mine. I got these as a way to remember my son and be able to share his story. These are so special to me. The footprint is probably my favorite. 

Sawyer is my angel baby. Sawyer will be forever in my heart. Sawyer is an inspiration to live with more strength than we think we have. The cliche phrase is "God will never give you more than you can handle". This is not true. The things we go through in life draw us to Him. There is nothing He cannot handle, there are plenty of things we can handle. I honestly don't know who could handle losing their child alone, without the strength I have had to rely on from God. He is sometimes the only thing keeping me together. He is the only one that is a source of constant encouragement, especially through those friends he has put in my life. This is a shout-out to the GA Christian Mom group I was a part of before Sawyer was born and during his life. This is a group on Facebook that I was added to by a dear friend. These ladies have surrounded me with more love and encouragement than I know what to do with. Ladies - I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU AND THAT GOD HAS PUT YOU IN MY LIVES. I cannot wait to rejoin the group, when I am ready of course. You are all such a blessing and I know the Lord is working through you all to help build me up. I love you all. 

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Until next time,

Ashlyn

St. Augustine 2013

   I posted a few weeks ago that we would be going on vacation with my parents to St. Augustine just as we have in years prior. I was unsure if I had even wanted to take this vacation because I knew it would bring with it a lot of heartache over the loss of Sawyer and that he wasn't able to be with us. When you are still learning how to function and deal with your emotions while avoiding places with families, specifically little boys, the beach is probably the LAST place you would want to go. Families, babies, memories all wrapped up in to one while you are suffering in your downfall of emotions. I chose to embrace the challenge head on because I knew it would just be harder in years to come if I tried to avoid it now. My parents, brother, grandparents, and I always go the same two weeks every year and there are many other families that go the same time as we do. This year we only went for a week, but thankfully it was at the same time as everyone else. My aunt, uncle, cousin, and her daughter were all able to come join us.
   I knew that the pain of missing Sawyer would intensify on this trip. It started out rough the morning we left because I wanted to go visit him and let him know I would be back in a week. For some people this may seem strange because the only thing buried is Sawyer's shell, but right now in my grief it is one of the ways I can cope. I know that Sawyer is in Heaven with Jesus and that sitting at his grave is just for me because he isn't there, but leaving for a week was very difficult. Luckily my aunt was watching my cats and stopped by on the days she was over at my house. My two cousins even took a book and read to him! Anyways, our trip always starts out by meeting at a Cracker Barrel after driving for a few hours. EVERYTHING reminded me of Sawyer. Cracker Barrel, the farmers market, arriving at the beach,unpacking, etc. You name it and I was thinking about my baby boy. How much more would we have packed? Would he have been asleep when we ate at Cracker Barrel? Would he have enjoyed the toys? (I avoided that section all together, especially the baby clothes. That is weird, by the way. Why does Cracker Barrel sell clothing?) Would he have enjoyed the beach? What would he think of the sand? The pool? The ocean? The list goes on, but that is a pretty good summary of how my mind was running in circles the whole time.

The trip was the same for the most part - we took our trips to our favorite restaurants, spent most of the days on the beach, and just enjoyed family time. On Friday night, our last night, we had made the decision to release balloons. I had my mind set on having between 50-60 balloons, not sure why but I wanted that number. We picked up a helium tank earlier in the week and at about 6PM I had Josh blow up the balloons. Around 6:15 he ran out of helium and only 30 balloons. I still wanted the 60 balloons and Josh willingly agreed to get another helium tank. The family was instructed to be at our room no later than 7 PM so we could release the balloons. Josh made it back JUST in time to finish blowing up the remainder of the balloons. I had 12 light blue balloons so we could spell out SAWYER JOSHUA, and I also had several white balloons so our families could write their own messages to Sawyer on the balloons. I also had some red that were labeled with "heart warrior" and some dark blue with no words. We divided them up and headed to the beach. Many thanks to Mallorie, Lucas and Loran for capturing these images for us.

 My favorite picture, EVER.

 

 Every year we do sand bottles. This year was no different. My brother and I did the annual brother-sister bottles and Lindsay wanted Emma to do a bottle for her, and we wanted to do one for Sawyer. This is something I will do EVERY year. Emma was such a helper and was only concerned about filling Sawyer's bottle instead of her own!

Overall the trip was really good. Relaxing and a time of reflection. I love talking about Sawyer and remembering all the moments I had with my sweet boy. I saw a quote one time that said something like "You aren't doing a mother a favor by not bringing up her little one, in fact it adds to her hurt because she thinks you have just forgot them". I loved it. Don't ever be afraid to talk to me about Sawyer, sometimes when you don't it makes me feel like you have just forgotten. I know people haven't but that is the way my mind works.

God has blessed me tremendously with friends and family to hold me up through this trial. I have been experiencing the five stages of grief, all at once. God has been beside me through it all. I started pre-planning Monday and while we went around introducing ourselves. It was a blessing to be surrounded by other Christian teachers and share the views and goals we have for ourselves and our students. There is one male teacher and it turns out he is also a grief counselor. He and his wife also lost their daughter a few years ago. Many of the teachers know my story because Josh's sister works at the school and they were all praying for us, but this teacher is new. I am CONSTANTLY blown away by the grace of God and how is always working things together. What a blessing to be working so closely with a grief counselor and also someone who has experienced our pain. We are planning a double date, which I am greatly looking forward too. 

Facebook. Facebook has been quite the emotional roller coaster lately. Many of my friends are to the age where they are having children, or their second children. My heart is so happy for them, but my heart is still very much raw and hurting from the loss of my own baby boy. I have decided to limit my time on Facebook and in fact I haven't gotten on at all in the past two days. I can already feel the difference it has made on my emotional state. I don't want anyone to EVER feel bad for posting pictures/updates or anything about their children. Children are a JOY, and I have always been encouraging you mothers to cherish all the moments so please keep doing so. I just have to remove myself from those types of social medias where I can tell it is affecting me emotionally. I know it will take time to heal, and that is okay. I know most people will also understand my decision to limit myself from Facebook.

As always I am so thankful for you all continuing to surround us in prayer. I know some days it is the only thing that is getting me through. School starts Monday and I have been pulling 12 hour days to get ready. I am working on a blog post to give you a tour of my classroom. It is adorable and I am proud of it! 

Love you all, 

Ashlyn