Sawyer's Memory Wall

The long awaited memory wall has finally been put up! Ever since my mom showed me the Pinterest post, I knew we had to do that for my sweet Sawyer. I wish I could say I am so happy and so overjoyed that it is complete, but it is so bittersweet. The flood of emotions I experienced the night my dad and Josh hung everything was so intense and I wasn't expecting it at all.

I try to go through daily life without thinking about all the things I am missing out on, but that usually doesn't work. The mind is an evil thing, and Satan is always on the move especially since I have chosen to chose God and His faithfulness over letting Satan take hold on my emotions. Every morning I wake up I have to fight off the thoughts of "I wonder if Sawyer would be sick today, or who would be keeping him." Every day at school I have to avoid the thoughts of "I wonder what Sawyer's favorite subject would be?" or "I wonder what Sawyer would have liked to do at recess when he was in third grade?" Questions I will never know the answer to, ever. Most of my friends are either pregnant, have kids, or aren't even at the stage of having kids. I struggle with where I even fit in these days. I have several close friends, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the thoughts of "do I really belong?" take a step into my ever running mind.

When we put up the memory wall it all came flying at me like a hurricane I couldn't escape. The wall is beautiful and holds the memories, the only memories, I will ever make with my son. But it also brought up the realization that while my pregnant friends are getting their nurseries ready and my friends with babies are posting new pictures every day, but here I am making a memory wall for my son who died. I shouldn't have to be doing that. I should be taking new pictures. I should have new stories to be telling. I feel awkward and uncomfortable when people share stories of their children because I don't have any new stories to share. The only stories I have are the ones every one has stories I have are the same ones I have already told and no one wants to hear those all the time. Some people act like I haven't even had a son, or a son who passed away, when they see me they just act like nothing ever happened. That hurts. A lot. I have a son. He isn't here with me but he is mine. My heart loves him more every day. My heart misses him more every day. My arms continue to ache for a baby I held three times, think about that the next time you complain your child doesn't want to do anything but be held.

I sometimes wonder how many people judge me for the way I grieve. Then I realize it doesn't matter. No one has walked in my exact shoes. There are those that can relate because they, too, have lost a baby. I am thankful for those people. But there is no one who found out on January 3 that something might be wrong with their baby. No one who left everything they knew behind on February 13 to head to Cincinnati not knowing when they would return. No one who spent 24 hours in labor only to have a C-section. No one who heard their baby cry but couldn't see him for many hours later. There is no one else who sat and held their baby as he took his last breath looking in to his mommy and daddy's eyes on May 27, 2013 at 9:36 PM in the CICU at Egleston. No one who sat in a room holding their lifeless baby as their parents and siblings grieve over the precious baby. No one who looked at their beautiful baby lying in a casket on May 30 desperately wishing he was sleeping and could be taken home soon. No one who had to leave the room as the funeral home closed the casket to the son we cherished for 18 days of life on Earth and will cherish for an eternity. There are those friends, though, that do their best to be there. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the texts that say "God continues to be sovereign. He is the same on the mountaintop as he is in the valley." & "I think God is trying to tell you 'I've got you, Ashlyn... always have and I'm not letting go."

The hardest thing for me is feeling like I am letting people down. There are things that I just can't do emotionally because my heart is still hurting so bad. I haven't "scrolled" through my news feed on Facebook in quite some time. I avoid it by just posting something and only looking at any notifications applying to my post. It has helped me greatly. But there are things like baby showers and birthday parties that I can't attend and as much as my heart hurts at the memories it brings up it also hurts because I feel bad. I have a 4-month old cousin (more like a nephew) that I haven't been able to hold since Sawyer passed away. It hurts that I can't hold him as much as it hurts to think about not holding Sawyer. It hurts to see pictures of new babies (another reason I limited my time on Facebook). It hurts to see the interactions of big brothers with their little siblings, something Sawyer's future sibling's won't be able to do with him. Everything just hurts. The day I don't cry will be an accomplishment.

Here are the pictures of the memory wall, some close up for a better view. Excuse the quality. My camera card isn't working and I had to use my phone.

I love this. The letters are covered in maps and painted brown. My mom did this for his nursery.

The beach picture is simply amazing and captures everything. Thanks to Brenda Jones for picking up this beautiful piece. Love my sweet heart warrior.

So glad Julie convinced me to start painting.

Love this board, and the fact I can interchange the pictures.

 I can't leave the stones that Dr. V's office gave me at the grave but I am using this vase to put them in on his memory wall. I am IN LOVE. The giraffe and elephant are the ones he had in his crib at Egleston, and my mom made an extra set that we put in the casket with him. That bag to the left is what we put the peanuts in for the name announcement.

Found this picture frame at Kohl's and I love it. It holds a picture of the first time I held my sweet baby, a memory I won't ever forget. And of course his heart warrior pillow.

This says "As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13

As we were at Walmart getting supplies to hang things up my mom found this. It was too perfect not to buy. The Lord speaks to me at every turn.

I love the entire wall, but this sunflower is amazing. I also found this the night we put the memory wall because we went to look for brown shelves for the wall. I couldn't help it. These pictures are also at the top of the list. Seeing my husband hold his son for the first time, there are no words to describe how this made me and makes me feel.

This wall is at the top of my stairs on the way to my bedroom. It is the last thing we see on the way to bed and one of the first things we see in the morning on our way to start our day. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time. 

I guess people just don't know what to say to me. And I don't know what people should say. But I don't want people to act like this didn't happen. I don't want people to act like I don't have a baby. I do. He may not be here with me, but that doesn't mean I don't have a son. It hurts to hear others share their stories of accomplishments of their little ones, but I have nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want hear them, though. I have no new stories, and I cringe at the thought that I never will. I try to focus on the joy that these parents have and that they are cherishing those moments. I pray Sawyer's story has encouraged you to cherish the moments and share them with others.

Nights like tonight I cling to Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you". Also Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Even though my heart is hurting, so bad, the Lord is with me. He is with me every step of the way. He knows my pain even when others don't. He is telling Sawyer all about his mommy and daddy and how much we love and miss him. He is taking care of my son, while I can't. He is working on healing in my heart, and He does care. These things I know are true. Even when I feel like every one else has moved on and "forgotten", He reminds me that He is right here, and He hasn't forgotten.

Until next time,

Ashlyn

Happy 3 Month Birthday, Sawyer!

Today is August 9. Today is the day Sawyer would have been 3 months old. Hard to believe it has only been 3 months since our precious boy made his entrance in to this world, but he stole my heart long before that. As soon as we found out we were expecting I knew that I was growing a love for someone that was much greater than any other love I have ever felt, a mother's love. I feel like like has flown by but also that it has dragged on at the same time. I have so much I want to say, but sometimes I can't find the words. I started this blog as a way to keep all who cared in the loop a little bit easier rather than having to call our large families every doctors appointment. I never imagined it would grow to have so many followers, nor did I think I would ever have this much to say. In school I never felt as if I was a strong writer, but now I have many people telling me to write a book. One day I think I will. Something to help other mothers (and fathers) that may find themselves in the terrible life situation we are in now. Yes, I said it. This place we are in is TERRIBLE, lonely, no good, sad, and just makes every one feel sorry for us. 

With that being said - there are good things coming out of this. I shared the story of a man who read our blog, has been through the same thing, and came to know Christ on my Facebook page a few weeks ago. I am not sure that all the details are correct in who is related to who, but that doesn't really matter. Every year we go to the beach at the same time as many other families. One of them told me that her daughter shared our story in her Sunday school class. Another girl in the class spoke up and said her cousin and her husband had a baby that passed away from the same heart defect that Sawyer had. The baby's father (her cousins husband) was struggling with understanding why this was happening to them and they ran across our blog. That man has since given his life to Christ and I am so thankful that The Lord has used Sawyer and our story to further His kingdom! What a blessing and something that makes my broken heart happy to hear. God has a plan for our lives and for Sawyer's life to make an impact on this world and I am thankful to see that unfolding. I am not sure if this man is reading my blog anymore, but I hope he is. If you are that man - I am so happy that you are now my brother in Christ. I may not meet you here on Earth, but what an exciting thing to know I will meet you in Heaven and we will BOTH see our beloved babies again. If you are reading this and ever need anything, please contact me!

Days like today are when I remember those stories, and the times that people have been encouraged through the Lord by reading my story. I know the Lord has equipped me to be a good writer so He can speak through me to those who need to hear Him. Days like today are still very hard emotionally and physically. Normally I let the sadness overcome me and take the tears in stride, but I couldn't do that today. Today I had to teach the 57 that the Lord has blessed me with in the classroom. Today I had to be their encouragement in Math. Today the Lord used those children to bless my heart. 

I wish I was the mom posting a picture of my baby with those cute "three month" stickers. I know I say that every month or in every post, but you know what? It's the truth and something I looked forward to so it hurts that I can't. Even as silly as that is I encourage all of you parents to soak it all in. Soak it in for me. Soak it in for the moms that don't get to cuddle their littles. SOAK IT ALL IN. 

 I took Sawyer his new flowers this month. Sunflowers and giraffes. Three giraffes to be exact, because that is my "three month sticker". I love how they turned out this month, I am already thinking of my ideas for next month. Arranging his flowers is the only thing I can physically do for him, so that is what I plan on doing.

 I mentioned in my last post that I have decided to limit my time on Facebook and so far it has gone great. I deleted the app from my phone and have lately only logged on  to post something. I was planning on not even posting but the kids this week were too cute with the things they said to me. Other than that I hardly skimmed my news feed, it was the source of so much pain and the reason I made the decision. I saw a post recently (the time I decided to scroll through my news feed) where someone posted a picture of their son in the same onsie we put Sawyer in after he passed away. The only onsie we were ever able to dress our son in was right there staring back at me but on another baby. My stomach and heart hit the floor. I realize that I am still not ready to scroll through the news feed anytime soon. (If you want me to know something you should send me a text or email, I probably won't see it.) The pain that comes physically is indescribable and nothing that can be cured with any medicine. My arms physically ache to hold my baby. To hold the baby I only held three times while he was here with us. I still cry when I see big brothers and their younger siblings, something that my future children won't have the privilege of enjoying. They will all know about their big brother Sawyer, but they won't know what it's like to have a big brother to play with and that makes me sad. When we take family pictures there will always be someone missing, always. I always think about silly things like - what names do I put on our Christmas card? How do I sign birthday cards? It probably doesn't matter to anyone what I write, but I still think about it. 

Whew, enough of that and enough crying for today. Let me tell you about my first week of school. I hardly slept this week so nervous and excited for each day with my students, all 57 of them. I have one third grade, one fourth, and two fifth grade classes. I start with my fifth grade class and we have Bible and then Math. This week they memorized John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life". What a great way to start the week, and a reminder for me that God understands my pain in losing Sawyer, He lost his son too. All the students memorized the verse so we had ice cream at lunch! The first day I spent a lot of time getting to know the students and they were able to ask me questions about myself. Here is how that went in EVERY class: Do you like six flags? Do you like movies? Do you play video games? (those were from the boys) How old are you? Are you married? What is your husband's name? Do you have children? (these were from the girls.) BAM - there it is. "Do you have children?" I knew this would happen, and I had already prepared myself to tell the story. Since hearing of Sawyer and that fact that he died and is no longer with us, these children have blessed my heart so much. I received a note from a fifth grade student today that said "You are the best math teacher I have ever had. I am so sorry your son died". Thank goodness he gave it to me at the end of the day because I lost it. Things like this have happened all week.

When I told them about Sawyer I made sure to say that I would see him again in Heaven one day ( a blessing about being in a private Christian school). On Wednesday I put up pictures of him and the third grade class saw them as they lined up to leave. They asked all about the breathing tube and told me how he was so cute. My word, they are the sweetest class! On Thursday a third grade girl came up to me and said "I'm so sad we didn't get to meet him but one day you can go to Heaven and take care of him all you want, but he'll probably be bigger". I could feel the tears welling up. Luckily I kept it together for the most part until the end of the day. My heart needed that though and I know that the Lord is using me to bless these children just as much as they are blessing me.

When I started teaching I was so worried the kids wouldn't like me... but boy was I wrong! I don't even care that I am bragging on myself - Ha! Here is an email I received from one of the parents:

"Mrs. Murphy, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for whatever you are doing in class. (My son) got in the car today and said he now loves math because of you and you are his favorite teacher! You have no idea how much this means to us with years of struggle with this subject. I know it's only second day of school ha ha but I really appreciate you already! So, thank you!"

Then today I received a text from a friend. She says she works for one of my students parents. That student came home and said math was his favorite class and his teacher is "pretty cool"... Hey, I'll take that!

I am blessed beyond belief to work with all of these students. I pray that this school year continues to be as awesome as it started and that I can make a difference in these children's lives through my teaching. I pray that the love of Christ is displayed through my actions and teaching. I pray that the Lord continues to use these children to bless my heart, because I know I need it.

This road has been hard. This road has been long. This road has been rough. This road has been anything but easy. I miss Sawyer SO much. One day I will be able to hold another baby again. I sometimes have a hard time even looking at a baby, but that's okay. I am thankful for friends that understand. For friends that are loving. For friends that care. No one can understand my pain if they haven't lost a child, but I am thankful for those who understand I have to do what heals my heart. I have to do what makes me ease the pain. I haven't posted these in the blog before, but I have three tattoos. I guess I kept them to myself because sometimes people are so judgmental of tattoos. But really, it doesn't matter what people think. When you have walked in my shoes then you can tell me what you would have done. These tattoos have led to more people asking about Sawyer than I could have ever imagined. If you have been looking at my pictures on Facebook I am sure you have seen them.

I have this on my right shoulder. The heart and the five x's represent his five defects. Whenever anyone sees it they always ask the significance of the five x's, I am always happy to share :)

 

Here you can see where it is:

This is when Emma Grace and I took two balloons to the beach. One for her, one for Sawyer and then we released them and were waving to them.

I have this on my wrist. Every time I pay for something or use my hand, people see his name. Questions I get: Who is Sawyer? Is that your child? How old are they? All of these questions lead to me telling his story, something I don't complain about.

 

I also have his footprint on my foot, his ACTUAL footprint. I took the footprint in we made the night Sawyer passed away. They scanned it in and he used it as reference. It is perfect and my favorite. He will forever be in my heart and he is ALWAYS with me wherever I may go.

You may have your own opinions of tattoos and that is fine. I have mine. I got these as a way to remember my son and be able to share his story. These are so special to me. The footprint is probably my favorite. 

Sawyer is my angel baby. Sawyer will be forever in my heart. Sawyer is an inspiration to live with more strength than we think we have. The cliche phrase is "God will never give you more than you can handle". This is not true. The things we go through in life draw us to Him. There is nothing He cannot handle, there are plenty of things we can handle. I honestly don't know who could handle losing their child alone, without the strength I have had to rely on from God. He is sometimes the only thing keeping me together. He is the only one that is a source of constant encouragement, especially through those friends he has put in my life. This is a shout-out to the GA Christian Mom group I was a part of before Sawyer was born and during his life. This is a group on Facebook that I was added to by a dear friend. These ladies have surrounded me with more love and encouragement than I know what to do with. Ladies - I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU AND THAT GOD HAS PUT YOU IN MY LIVES. I cannot wait to rejoin the group, when I am ready of course. You are all such a blessing and I know the Lord is working through you all to help build me up. I love you all. 

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Until next time,

Ashlyn

St. Augustine 2013

   I posted a few weeks ago that we would be going on vacation with my parents to St. Augustine just as we have in years prior. I was unsure if I had even wanted to take this vacation because I knew it would bring with it a lot of heartache over the loss of Sawyer and that he wasn't able to be with us. When you are still learning how to function and deal with your emotions while avoiding places with families, specifically little boys, the beach is probably the LAST place you would want to go. Families, babies, memories all wrapped up in to one while you are suffering in your downfall of emotions. I chose to embrace the challenge head on because I knew it would just be harder in years to come if I tried to avoid it now. My parents, brother, grandparents, and I always go the same two weeks every year and there are many other families that go the same time as we do. This year we only went for a week, but thankfully it was at the same time as everyone else. My aunt, uncle, cousin, and her daughter were all able to come join us.
   I knew that the pain of missing Sawyer would intensify on this trip. It started out rough the morning we left because I wanted to go visit him and let him know I would be back in a week. For some people this may seem strange because the only thing buried is Sawyer's shell, but right now in my grief it is one of the ways I can cope. I know that Sawyer is in Heaven with Jesus and that sitting at his grave is just for me because he isn't there, but leaving for a week was very difficult. Luckily my aunt was watching my cats and stopped by on the days she was over at my house. My two cousins even took a book and read to him! Anyways, our trip always starts out by meeting at a Cracker Barrel after driving for a few hours. EVERYTHING reminded me of Sawyer. Cracker Barrel, the farmers market, arriving at the beach,unpacking, etc. You name it and I was thinking about my baby boy. How much more would we have packed? Would he have been asleep when we ate at Cracker Barrel? Would he have enjoyed the toys? (I avoided that section all together, especially the baby clothes. That is weird, by the way. Why does Cracker Barrel sell clothing?) Would he have enjoyed the beach? What would he think of the sand? The pool? The ocean? The list goes on, but that is a pretty good summary of how my mind was running in circles the whole time.

The trip was the same for the most part - we took our trips to our favorite restaurants, spent most of the days on the beach, and just enjoyed family time. On Friday night, our last night, we had made the decision to release balloons. I had my mind set on having between 50-60 balloons, not sure why but I wanted that number. We picked up a helium tank earlier in the week and at about 6PM I had Josh blow up the balloons. Around 6:15 he ran out of helium and only 30 balloons. I still wanted the 60 balloons and Josh willingly agreed to get another helium tank. The family was instructed to be at our room no later than 7 PM so we could release the balloons. Josh made it back JUST in time to finish blowing up the remainder of the balloons. I had 12 light blue balloons so we could spell out SAWYER JOSHUA, and I also had several white balloons so our families could write their own messages to Sawyer on the balloons. I also had some red that were labeled with "heart warrior" and some dark blue with no words. We divided them up and headed to the beach. Many thanks to Mallorie, Lucas and Loran for capturing these images for us.

 My favorite picture, EVER.

 

 Every year we do sand bottles. This year was no different. My brother and I did the annual brother-sister bottles and Lindsay wanted Emma to do a bottle for her, and we wanted to do one for Sawyer. This is something I will do EVERY year. Emma was such a helper and was only concerned about filling Sawyer's bottle instead of her own!

Overall the trip was really good. Relaxing and a time of reflection. I love talking about Sawyer and remembering all the moments I had with my sweet boy. I saw a quote one time that said something like "You aren't doing a mother a favor by not bringing up her little one, in fact it adds to her hurt because she thinks you have just forgot them". I loved it. Don't ever be afraid to talk to me about Sawyer, sometimes when you don't it makes me feel like you have just forgotten. I know people haven't but that is the way my mind works.

God has blessed me tremendously with friends and family to hold me up through this trial. I have been experiencing the five stages of grief, all at once. God has been beside me through it all. I started pre-planning Monday and while we went around introducing ourselves. It was a blessing to be surrounded by other Christian teachers and share the views and goals we have for ourselves and our students. There is one male teacher and it turns out he is also a grief counselor. He and his wife also lost their daughter a few years ago. Many of the teachers know my story because Josh's sister works at the school and they were all praying for us, but this teacher is new. I am CONSTANTLY blown away by the grace of God and how is always working things together. What a blessing to be working so closely with a grief counselor and also someone who has experienced our pain. We are planning a double date, which I am greatly looking forward too. 

Facebook. Facebook has been quite the emotional roller coaster lately. Many of my friends are to the age where they are having children, or their second children. My heart is so happy for them, but my heart is still very much raw and hurting from the loss of my own baby boy. I have decided to limit my time on Facebook and in fact I haven't gotten on at all in the past two days. I can already feel the difference it has made on my emotional state. I don't want anyone to EVER feel bad for posting pictures/updates or anything about their children. Children are a JOY, and I have always been encouraging you mothers to cherish all the moments so please keep doing so. I just have to remove myself from those types of social medias where I can tell it is affecting me emotionally. I know it will take time to heal, and that is okay. I know most people will also understand my decision to limit myself from Facebook.

As always I am so thankful for you all continuing to surround us in prayer. I know some days it is the only thing that is getting me through. School starts Monday and I have been pulling 12 hour days to get ready. I am working on a blog post to give you a tour of my classroom. It is adorable and I am proud of it! 

Love you all, 

Ashlyn 

July Fourth 2013

Dear Sawyer,

This was the first holiday where we had a family get-together since you passed away. It was fun and extremely difficult all at the same time. Ever since we found out we were pregnant I created these dreams of what our life with you would be like, including different holidays. I never got to see how my dreams would play out, so I just have to keep dreaming. I wonder what you would have thought about fireworks - would you have been scared or would you be like your daddy and love them all? I bet you were sitting up there with Jesus watching all the fireworks with the best seat in the house. It was hard experiencing yet another holiday without you, and sometimes it just seems like life is moving forward without you here, but I'm not ready for that yet. I want you to be here with us physically so bad I can feel the pain.

We lit off fireworks for about 30 minutes before we headed out to visit you and light off sparklers. I want you to know that you will always be a part of our holidays and we will never stop including you. I hate that for now we are separated, but one day you and I will have a glorious reunion in Heaven and you can show me all around and introduce me to all the friends you have made! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you, and sometimes it seems like I miss you more than ever before. I am constantly wondering how life would be so different if you were here with us and how much happier I would be with you here. I know you don't want Mommy to be sad, I just miss you so terribly much. I come visit you a lot and I enjoy spending time out there with you. You are so special to me and I love you more than words could ever express. You will always be my baby, always. I love you sweet boy. 


Love,
Mommy

P.S. Here are some pictures from our sparklers with you last night, I hope you enjoyed them!

 

Happy 4th baby boy!

Some of the family came out to light sparklers!

Emma Grace brought you a bracelet, to match the one she has :)

 

 

 

Missing you more and more sweet Sawyer

 

We love you Sawyer!

one month

Today marks a month since we had to say see you later to Sawyer. I think I am finally out of the 'shock/denial' stage of grief and have entered full-swing in to the 'anger' stage. I am still working on how to deal with all of this. For those of you who are friends with me on my personal page this will seem somewhat repetitive but I haven't blogged lately and I want to write down what has happened this last week. 

I spend a lot of my time thinking about Sawyer. Thinking about all the things I was able to do with him and, like I have said before, the things that I will never get to do with him. My family has always taken a beach trip every year to the same place - St. Augustine. I was excited when we found out we were expecting that I would be able to take my baby to the beach this year. Reality has started to sink in that I won't be taking Sawyer with me. I don't have to go on this trip, but my parents have offered to take Josh and I as another source of relaxation as our grief and emotions are still very real and very painful. I do know that if I choose to wait and put it off it will make it that much harder next year. I am going to fight through these emotions and try to spend some time with family and cherish the moments, but I know it will be hard to be there without Sawyer. 

I said last week that I was able to decorate Sawyer's grave and he is all ready for July 4th! I added a sunflower this week, and a special heart balloon. I also went to read him a story. Here is the post from my Facebook page:

"I went to visit Sawyer today. took the book "On the Night You Were Born" and read it to Sawyer. The last page says "Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born." And the opposite page has two giraffes. what a perfect book for my sweet boy. I took him a heart balloon last night and this afternoon it was blowing all around my face. I know Sawyer was there with me, listening to his mommy read him a book. I desperately wish he was here physically, but I am so thankful he is happy and healed with Jesus."

 

Right before I went to go see Sawyer I had stopped by the house to pick up the book and check the mail (my least favorite thing to do these days). Luckily there weren't any bills, but there was a card. Let me start by saying that whoever notifies third party organizations about my baby's birth should really have the decency to let them know about his passing as well. Because when they don't... I get cards like this:

Luckily I was already headed to see Sawyer or this would have really sent me over the edge. I was already having a pretty crappy day so it wasn't that big of a deal to add another scoop to the bowl. I know that whoever sent this card didn't know, but I REALLY REALLY wish there was a way for all parties to be notified of a baby's passing so the family doesn't have to open their mailbox to this. This is more heartbreaking than the stinking bills. 

Yesterday was my 6-week check up with Dr. Pohl, my OB. I walked in for my appointment and was greeted by a FULL waiting room. The one thing I love about Dr. Pohl is that he really cares about his patients, and sometimes that means you are seen later than your original appointment time. I checked in and took a seat amidst many, many pregnant women (really only 4 or 5) and waited to be called back. Typically waiting rooms are silent, you know - everyone just sits there all awkward-like and staring at each other... NOT this time... they all decided to get to know each other in the waiting room. Wednesdays are the days that Dr. Pohls office does the 20 week appointment and tells you the gender of your baby. Yesterday was Wednesday. Everyone in the office was told they were having a boy. I was able to handle the small talk for a few minutes, but then it just kept going and going and going. I went to ask to sit in another room or if they could call me when they were ready for me and I just lost it. They let me sit in a back room (the room I did all the NST's in when I was pregnant with Sawyer) and wait for my turn. I eventually saw Dr. Pohl and he said that every thing looks great! I have lost 30 pounds since the last time I was in his office - I had lost all my baby weight 5 days post delivery and then I'm guessing I lost the rest in the weeks after Sawyer's passing. I now officially weigh less than I did before I got pregnant! Thanking God for little blessings.

After the emotional breakdown at Dr. Pohls office I headed over to see the ladies at Dr. Videlefsky's office. (Short story - I had thought my appointment with Dr. Pohl was Tuesday, so I had stopped by Dr. V's office to say hello to them, and Dr. V popped his head out to say hello as well. They told me they had a gift for me but it wasn't done. After I realized my appointment was the next day I told them I would just come back.) I really love the office staff. They were always so friendly when I was in there for appointments when I was pregnant with Sawyer and came to check on me after delivery. A few of them, including Dr. V, were able to make it to the visitation and I was so grateful that they were there. Anywho, here is the gift they gave me... I am going to repost from my Facebook page:

"I don't know if I have ever said how much I love Dr. Videlefsky (Sawyers pediatric cardiologist) and his staff but I truly do. I stopped by their office after my emotional afternoon at Dr. Pohl's because they told me they had a gift for me. They presented me with this jar of stones. They are stones that I can take, one by one, to Sawyers grave when I go visit him. I can decorate them with different things, and they started this first one for me with the initial PCS (pediatric cardiology services). So thankful for these ladies and the blessing they are to me, especially today!"

 This is such a special gift to me and I am so happy they gave it to me! I can't wait to take them to Sawyer when I come visit, which is pretty much every day right now. I might have to get some more stones! I am not sure if I have posted this before but we are planning on doing a memory wall at our house for Sawyer - I can't wait to get started on it! 

I can't believe it has been a month since I kissed my baby one last time. I miss his smell, his soft skin, and his beautiful, big eyes. The time he has been away from us is longer than the time he was here with us. It is devastating that I cannot hold my baby. That is all that I long for these days. One month of devastating sadness, one month without him, but one month closer to being with my baby forever. I have a lot more 'months' to make it through but slowly and surely this will get easier to handle. I know it will not ever go away. To those who say time heals all wounds - that is false. Time makes it easier to handle and easier to function, but it will never heal. As I sat at his grave today I told him that he was truly a warrior and that mommy and daddy promise to share his story with all that we meet. His grave marker came in today and it looks amazing. I will post a picture once they get the tree in and get everything situated. What perfect timing that was for a day like today. It brought a smile to my face after a rather dreary morning. Another blessing that happened today? My aunt and uncle dropped off a gift card to La Cazuela so we could get out of the house for the evening and then Kathy Edwards dropped off a pecan pie! If you have had Kathy Edwards pecan pie then you know how excited I was (she and my Mawmaw make DELICIOUS pecan pies!) I am so thankful for the many people that have been a blessing in our lives these past few weeks. I have started to become more accustom to this new life I am living, even though at times I don't really like it at all. His 2 month birthday is coming up, not sure what I am going to do but we will be celebrating in some way! I am still reading through my books - those will get their own separate blog post next week some time.Thank you all for continuing to pray for our family, Josh and I are truly blessed that you are all in our lives.

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Here is the letter I posted to Sawyer today on my Facebook page:

"Dear Sawyer,
It's been too long since I was able to kiss your face, hold you tightly, and tell you how much I love you. I visit you a lot and will always carry you in my heart. I miss you more than words could ever describe. I think about everything I wish I could be doing with you, but I know we will be reunited one day. I'm sure you have lots of friends up there - I can't wait to meet them all! Keep watching over mommy and daddy, we love you so so much!

Love,
Mommy"

I have his beads of courage from Gwinnett NICU and a sunflower in my car as a constant reminder of my sweet boy. He is always in my heart and always with me wherever I go! Here are some of my favorite pictures. Wonderful, precious memories.

Seriously, have you ever seen a baby this beautiful?

I wish I could go back to this day.

Perfection.

Love to you all,
Ashlyn

"Heaven and Earth may separate us today but nothing will ever change the fact that you made me a mom." <3

Life These Days

The days lately have been strange, to say the least. We never got to learn how to live life with Sawyer at home, but now I am struggling how to learn to live life without him. I am struggling with pretty much anything, from going to eat dinner to cleaning my house. I am CONSTANTLY reminded of Sawyer. This  isn't a bad thing at all, I love thinking about Sawyer and talking about him but I don't like being reminded of all of the things I will never do with him. I know that I am not suffering this alone, in fact since losing Sawyer I have become more aware of how often child loss occurs - much more frequently than ANYONE would like. We all have different amounts of time spent with our little ones and the time was all spent differently, but it doesn't make the pain any different. I read somewhere that losing a child is one of the hardest things anyone has to do in life, I would agree.

Usually I try to avoid being at home alone for extended periods of time, especially with Josh being back at work, but sometimes it is unavoidable. I have spent a lot of time with my mom or other friends, and usually I try to leave the house in the morning and come home when Josh gets home from work or right before. I have spent a lot of time visiting Sawyer's grave, the first few times were very hard. In fact, the first time I went I got "stuck" there and couldn't leave. I eventually pulled myself together and left, but I wish I could describe the pain I felt when I tried to leave. I know Sawyer's spirit isn't there and it is just his body, but I felt like I was leaving him all over again. It has gotten better now, and seems to get better the more often I go. I'm still not sure how to get past all of this, to adjust to life without my baby, and to start moving forward. I don't want to ever forget Sawyer and I know I won't, but I cannot sit out at his grave for hours every day. It wouldn't be feasible once I go back to work, and I know for a fact that Sawyer wants me to be out living life and not stuck. He is having a wonderful life with Jesus and he wants me to continue to be happy until we are reunited again. 

I have decided that I want to do the flower arrangements for his grave. It is something that I can do myself and something that is just for me and him. I am still not sure how often I will change it, but I know that every holiday will have a new arrangement, maybe a different one each month. Sawyer isn't here to celebrate these holidays with us, but this is something that helps me get through the holidays without feeling like absolute crap emotionally. I put this one up a little early, but Sawyer is ready for July 4th! We ordered the headstone last week so it should be coming in within the next 3-4 weeks. I am using this as a part of my healing process, but there are times when it still makes me very sad. I sent a text to a friend today that said "Instead of getting to celebrate the first year "monthly' milestones, I am going to the store to buy flowers for my sons grave because it is the most I will ever be able to do for him the rest of my life." That sums up how I feel about all of this at the moment.

I made this yesterday, thanks to help from my mom!

I really could spend all of my days here.

Sunflowers always remind me of Sawyer. After dinner tonight

 we took one out to the grave site.

I still don't know what I want people to say. I mean, there really isn't anything anyone can say to make this better. People ask how I am doing, and I don't know what to tell them. Every day is SO different and some are better than others, but some are much harder. I still don't think it has gotten any easier at all, but there are the days when I can cope better. Every day opens up a new emotional roller coaster but it has helped me to stay busy and occupied. Nights at home have been especially hard because the loneliness is so loud I can hear it screaming in my hear. Josh and I had to run some errands tonight and we stopped by Chili's for dinner (thanks for wonderful friends for a gift card!). As we sat there I started looking around. Almost EVERY table around us was filled with a family. There were two tables in close vicinity to us that had little babies with them. After trying to keep myself together I just let the tears flow. I felt like I had run right in to a brick wall and I just kept hitting it over and over, I couldn't turn around - I was stuck. I got up and ran to the bathroom to try and collect myself. I was then greeted by another mom and her son as she was taking him to the bathroom. I had just walked in so I was stuck standing in a stall while they had a conversation about his shoes and some other things. By that point I was shaking uncontrollably. Josh and I should be at dinner with Sawyer tonight. I should be taking him to the bathroom to change his diaper. But we aren't doing either of those things. We are sitting behind a table with blank looks on our faces as the world goes by and NO ONE knows what has happened to us. I am almost afraid for the next stranger to ask how my day is because I know they are just trying to be friendly and don't really want me to spill my life story to them. I saw our waitress go from table to table, and make small talk with the families and playfully smile at the babies and ask them silly questions. She gets to our table and is just as friendly, asking "What can I get for you two tonight?" I almost wanted to scream "THERE ARE THREE OF US, CAN'T YOU SEE?" But, just like everyone else in the restaurant they can't see. They can't see the love we have for Sawyer, they can't see the pain we are experiencing deep inside, and they also can't see Sawyer. I know he is with us everywhere we go, but only in our hearts. It isn't his physical being which I desperately long to have with me.

I stopped by Lifeway Christian stores today to try and get some books on how to handle/deal with my grief. There were a few I picked up off the shelf and purchased, but the harsh reality is that there is no "set" way to deal with grief. You just have to do it. You have to go through the hurt, the pain, and everything to get to the other side. The devil is in full force while you are grieving, too. He doesn't let up when you try to push out the negative thoughts and the questioning of God. In fact, I think it fuels his fire when we show weakness. I opened my Bible yesterday and was led to these two verses:


"The Lord gives strength to his people; The Lord blessed his people with peace" Psalm 29:11

"God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes, or the mountains fall into the sea, even if the oceans roar and foam or the mountains shake at the raging sea." Psalm 46:1-3

Even when I want to scream and yell and be completely pissed off, it is okay. God already knows every emotion I am going to experience, and He is right there to pick me up when I fall. Eventually we will get to the other side of this mountain. We will find peace in the Lord and one day we will understand His reasoning. It may not be here on Earth, but I know when we are reunited with our Savior (and Sawyer) we will be able to ask him just what His grand plans were with this terrible tragedy in our lives. I don't have all the answers, and I won't pretend that I do. I don't know why this happened to us, and I don't feel like it should have happened. What I do know is that God has promised us eternal life with Him and I know Sawyer will be there waiting for us. This life is much shorter than the promise of eternal life, MUCH shorter. Everything in my life has made it easy to praise God until now. I am reading the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. Here is an excerpt that I read last night:

He gives and takes away. Have I had moments of genuine questioning where I blamed myself and anyone else I could? Yes. But when the thoughts come, and they will, we must make a choice about who we will be from this day forward. Either we will go through life as bitter servants, or we will make Him famous with our love. I want Him to be famous."

This is all too true of my current situation. Angie and her husband lost their fourth daughter as an infant to some severe birth defects. Her words throughout this book have helped me understand my emotions, that they are okay, and how to praise the Lord through this storm. Sawyer was a warrior and I know he was a warrior for the Lord. He would not want Josh and I to sit around and be bitter servants, he would want his life to be used to glorify God. We are working to pick up the pieces right now, but are working towards using Sawyer and his life for the glory of God and to tell more people about the love that God has for us. I have talked to some people who are in awe of our faith and are struggling with their own. How could we not praise the God that was so merciful to our sweet boy? God swept Sawyer up in His arms and took him home to a life of happiness and no more pain. Had Sawyer made it through the surgery and the complications afterwards there is no telling how much of a struggle his life would have been. Now he is happy, healthy and looking down on his mom and dad - and we can praise God for that. It isn't easy at times, because I would much rather have Sawyer here with us, but I know that this life is a season and we will soon be reunited with our sweet baby.   

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Love to all,
Ashlyn

P.S. There is a free car wash being put on my our church at the Sam's Club in Snellville, GA tomorrow from 10 AM-6PM! Josh and I will be there from 12PM-2PM and would love to meet some of you who have followed the story of our family. All donations will go to our family to help with medical expenses!