& sometimes the sky rains night after night

Well, it's yet another "holiday" that we are spending without our boy. I've heard the first year is tough, but the second is worse - not looking forward to that. The closer we get to Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas the more my heart aches. Remembering the giraffe Halloween costume that a sweet friend bought that will go without being worn this year. Remembering the Santa outfit I bought last year for $3.60 at Kohls that will also go untouched this Christmas. Remembering the "My 1st Thanksgiving" bib and adorable turkey hats that were crocheted for us that will all go without anyone to wear them this year. Remembering all the dreams and memories that will go undone and unmade. How do you get excited for the change of seasons and the coming of holidays when it all just sucks? How do you prepare to wake up Christmas morning to what should be the laughter of a baby playing with their new toys but instead will be silence and tears of two parents who are living life without their son? How?

I've learned there are three types of people when you are grieving. Those that love you through it and continue to be the supportive friend they always have been and always will be, those that act awkward every time they see you and probably will be that way forever, and those that avoid you at all costs because they "don't know what to say". I like to spend as much time with the first group of people than the last two. In fact, if you have been the one avoiding me or my husband at all cost, don't expect to come back around when life gets great again and we aren't so sad and heartbroken all the time. The saying "you find out who your friends are" has never been more true than the last year of my life. I am thankful for the friends that cry with me, laugh with me, and listen to my stories whenever I have the urge to share. I am thankful for the friend that dropped everything she was doing last Monday to take me out for dessert and listened to me sob for two hours. I am thankful for the friend that texts me to tell me what a wonderful momma I am and how proud she knows Sawyer is of me. I am thankful for those friends who listen to my sadness, even when it's the same thing over and over again. I am thankful for the friends that don't try to act like nothing happened, because it hurts when people do. 

I have started to reach the stage where I am struggling to get close to people but I am also trying to cherish life and every moment. I know what it's like to have something you are so attached to ripped right out from under you, and I don't want to feel this ever again, EVER. I also know what it's like to not experience things with my son, so I want to make the most of every moment and make memories with my family and friends. I've been struggling with how to deal with my grief. I've been trying to figure out how to handle the intense pain that comes over me so hard it almost knocks the breath out of me. I know for the most part what doesn't help but sometimes I do those things anyways. I am still working on what does work - usually surrounding myself with a lot of Oreos and having a good cry. I've learned if I hold it in it makes the next wave that much more intense. 

I'm still having vivid memory dreams. They are so real I sometimes wake up confused as to where I am and what is actually going on in my life. I can literally remember everything. My outfit, Sawyers sheets, the yellow color of the wall, the smell of the hallway walking to the waiting room, everything. The one that I have had more and more recently is of the night that Sawyer passed away. I think it was brought on by a picture on my computer I saw a few weeks ago of our family, all three of us, just less than an hour before our baby left our arms and went to be with Jesus. The picture is so haunting and miserable, yet captures so much. We don't have fake smiles plastered on our face and it isn't your typical family picture. We look tired, torn, and hanging on by a thread. If a picture could say 1000 words, this one would say more. My memory dream plays this back just about every other night. Sometimes I wake up with tears in my eyes, sometimes I wake up with the sincere hope it was just a dream and I can go pick up my baby from his crib, and sometimes I wake up wanting to throw up. Every time results in tears. I love remembering my sweet boy, I don't love remembering the look in his eyes the night we said goodbye and his daddy told him "it's okay, you don't have to cry - you are going to be with Jesus." One day my nightly memory dreams will change, for now I figure out ways to deal with it. 

 

I have been realizing a lot of "I will never's " lately. 

I will never hear my son say "mommy, I love you".

I will never see my son crawl, take his first steps, or say his first words.

I will never experience his temper tantrums in the store. 

I will never teach him how to ride a bike. 

I will never watch him play golf with his daddy. 

I will never watch him have a first day of school. 

I will never watch him graduate pre-K, elementary school, high school, or college. 

I will never watch him get married. 

I try to replace these with "I will" statements. 

I will appreciate the little things. 

I will praise God for blessing me with the most beautiful baby boy. 

I will praise God for the 18 days I had with my baby.

I will keep hope that God will bless Josh and I abundantly. 

I will keep sharing my son's story with all who will listen. 

I will praise God for the blessing of my students who bless my heart every day. 

I will learn to live happily again. 

I will make it through this in my own time at my own pace. 

The other day I had a third grade student come in the door for class. She normally says "hi, Mrs. Murphy", but not that day. She walked right in and said "hi, Sawyer's mommy". I thank God for moments like this. 

I have been listening to the song "Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant. The words are great. 

"You would think only so much can go wrong

Calamity only strikes once

And you assume this one has suffered her share

Life will be kinder from here

Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years

Sometimes the sky rains night after night

When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions

It's more than our optimism

Let the earth quake

Our Hope is unchanged"

I continue to trust The Lord and his goodness for our lives. I may not see the reason for this suffering this side of Heaven, but that's okay. Sawyer continues to touch more people than most will in a lifetime and when people see his footprint on my foot or his name on my wrist, they ALWAYS ask and I ALWAYS share.

Until next time,

Ashlyn

Sawyer's Memory Wall

The long awaited memory wall has finally been put up! Ever since my mom showed me the Pinterest post, I knew we had to do that for my sweet Sawyer. I wish I could say I am so happy and so overjoyed that it is complete, but it is so bittersweet. The flood of emotions I experienced the night my dad and Josh hung everything was so intense and I wasn't expecting it at all.

I try to go through daily life without thinking about all the things I am missing out on, but that usually doesn't work. The mind is an evil thing, and Satan is always on the move especially since I have chosen to chose God and His faithfulness over letting Satan take hold on my emotions. Every morning I wake up I have to fight off the thoughts of "I wonder if Sawyer would be sick today, or who would be keeping him." Every day at school I have to avoid the thoughts of "I wonder what Sawyer's favorite subject would be?" or "I wonder what Sawyer would have liked to do at recess when he was in third grade?" Questions I will never know the answer to, ever. Most of my friends are either pregnant, have kids, or aren't even at the stage of having kids. I struggle with where I even fit in these days. I have several close friends, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the thoughts of "do I really belong?" take a step into my ever running mind.

When we put up the memory wall it all came flying at me like a hurricane I couldn't escape. The wall is beautiful and holds the memories, the only memories, I will ever make with my son. But it also brought up the realization that while my pregnant friends are getting their nurseries ready and my friends with babies are posting new pictures every day, but here I am making a memory wall for my son who died. I shouldn't have to be doing that. I should be taking new pictures. I should have new stories to be telling. I feel awkward and uncomfortable when people share stories of their children because I don't have any new stories to share. The only stories I have are the ones every one has stories I have are the same ones I have already told and no one wants to hear those all the time. Some people act like I haven't even had a son, or a son who passed away, when they see me they just act like nothing ever happened. That hurts. A lot. I have a son. He isn't here with me but he is mine. My heart loves him more every day. My heart misses him more every day. My arms continue to ache for a baby I held three times, think about that the next time you complain your child doesn't want to do anything but be held.

I sometimes wonder how many people judge me for the way I grieve. Then I realize it doesn't matter. No one has walked in my exact shoes. There are those that can relate because they, too, have lost a baby. I am thankful for those people. But there is no one who found out on January 3 that something might be wrong with their baby. No one who left everything they knew behind on February 13 to head to Cincinnati not knowing when they would return. No one who spent 24 hours in labor only to have a C-section. No one who heard their baby cry but couldn't see him for many hours later. There is no one else who sat and held their baby as he took his last breath looking in to his mommy and daddy's eyes on May 27, 2013 at 9:36 PM in the CICU at Egleston. No one who sat in a room holding their lifeless baby as their parents and siblings grieve over the precious baby. No one who looked at their beautiful baby lying in a casket on May 30 desperately wishing he was sleeping and could be taken home soon. No one who had to leave the room as the funeral home closed the casket to the son we cherished for 18 days of life on Earth and will cherish for an eternity. There are those friends, though, that do their best to be there. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the texts that say "God continues to be sovereign. He is the same on the mountaintop as he is in the valley." & "I think God is trying to tell you 'I've got you, Ashlyn... always have and I'm not letting go."

The hardest thing for me is feeling like I am letting people down. There are things that I just can't do emotionally because my heart is still hurting so bad. I haven't "scrolled" through my news feed on Facebook in quite some time. I avoid it by just posting something and only looking at any notifications applying to my post. It has helped me greatly. But there are things like baby showers and birthday parties that I can't attend and as much as my heart hurts at the memories it brings up it also hurts because I feel bad. I have a 4-month old cousin (more like a nephew) that I haven't been able to hold since Sawyer passed away. It hurts that I can't hold him as much as it hurts to think about not holding Sawyer. It hurts to see pictures of new babies (another reason I limited my time on Facebook). It hurts to see the interactions of big brothers with their little siblings, something Sawyer's future sibling's won't be able to do with him. Everything just hurts. The day I don't cry will be an accomplishment.

Here are the pictures of the memory wall, some close up for a better view. Excuse the quality. My camera card isn't working and I had to use my phone.

I love this. The letters are covered in maps and painted brown. My mom did this for his nursery.

The beach picture is simply amazing and captures everything. Thanks to Brenda Jones for picking up this beautiful piece. Love my sweet heart warrior.

So glad Julie convinced me to start painting.

Love this board, and the fact I can interchange the pictures.

 I can't leave the stones that Dr. V's office gave me at the grave but I am using this vase to put them in on his memory wall. I am IN LOVE. The giraffe and elephant are the ones he had in his crib at Egleston, and my mom made an extra set that we put in the casket with him. That bag to the left is what we put the peanuts in for the name announcement.

Found this picture frame at Kohl's and I love it. It holds a picture of the first time I held my sweet baby, a memory I won't ever forget. And of course his heart warrior pillow.

This says "As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13

As we were at Walmart getting supplies to hang things up my mom found this. It was too perfect not to buy. The Lord speaks to me at every turn.

I love the entire wall, but this sunflower is amazing. I also found this the night we put the memory wall because we went to look for brown shelves for the wall. I couldn't help it. These pictures are also at the top of the list. Seeing my husband hold his son for the first time, there are no words to describe how this made me and makes me feel.

This wall is at the top of my stairs on the way to my bedroom. It is the last thing we see on the way to bed and one of the first things we see in the morning on our way to start our day. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time. 

I guess people just don't know what to say to me. And I don't know what people should say. But I don't want people to act like this didn't happen. I don't want people to act like I don't have a baby. I do. He may not be here with me, but that doesn't mean I don't have a son. It hurts to hear others share their stories of accomplishments of their little ones, but I have nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want hear them, though. I have no new stories, and I cringe at the thought that I never will. I try to focus on the joy that these parents have and that they are cherishing those moments. I pray Sawyer's story has encouraged you to cherish the moments and share them with others.

Nights like tonight I cling to Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you". Also Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Even though my heart is hurting, so bad, the Lord is with me. He is with me every step of the way. He knows my pain even when others don't. He is telling Sawyer all about his mommy and daddy and how much we love and miss him. He is taking care of my son, while I can't. He is working on healing in my heart, and He does care. These things I know are true. Even when I feel like every one else has moved on and "forgotten", He reminds me that He is right here, and He hasn't forgotten.

Until next time,

Ashlyn

St. Augustine 2013

   I posted a few weeks ago that we would be going on vacation with my parents to St. Augustine just as we have in years prior. I was unsure if I had even wanted to take this vacation because I knew it would bring with it a lot of heartache over the loss of Sawyer and that he wasn't able to be with us. When you are still learning how to function and deal with your emotions while avoiding places with families, specifically little boys, the beach is probably the LAST place you would want to go. Families, babies, memories all wrapped up in to one while you are suffering in your downfall of emotions. I chose to embrace the challenge head on because I knew it would just be harder in years to come if I tried to avoid it now. My parents, brother, grandparents, and I always go the same two weeks every year and there are many other families that go the same time as we do. This year we only went for a week, but thankfully it was at the same time as everyone else. My aunt, uncle, cousin, and her daughter were all able to come join us.
   I knew that the pain of missing Sawyer would intensify on this trip. It started out rough the morning we left because I wanted to go visit him and let him know I would be back in a week. For some people this may seem strange because the only thing buried is Sawyer's shell, but right now in my grief it is one of the ways I can cope. I know that Sawyer is in Heaven with Jesus and that sitting at his grave is just for me because he isn't there, but leaving for a week was very difficult. Luckily my aunt was watching my cats and stopped by on the days she was over at my house. My two cousins even took a book and read to him! Anyways, our trip always starts out by meeting at a Cracker Barrel after driving for a few hours. EVERYTHING reminded me of Sawyer. Cracker Barrel, the farmers market, arriving at the beach,unpacking, etc. You name it and I was thinking about my baby boy. How much more would we have packed? Would he have been asleep when we ate at Cracker Barrel? Would he have enjoyed the toys? (I avoided that section all together, especially the baby clothes. That is weird, by the way. Why does Cracker Barrel sell clothing?) Would he have enjoyed the beach? What would he think of the sand? The pool? The ocean? The list goes on, but that is a pretty good summary of how my mind was running in circles the whole time.

The trip was the same for the most part - we took our trips to our favorite restaurants, spent most of the days on the beach, and just enjoyed family time. On Friday night, our last night, we had made the decision to release balloons. I had my mind set on having between 50-60 balloons, not sure why but I wanted that number. We picked up a helium tank earlier in the week and at about 6PM I had Josh blow up the balloons. Around 6:15 he ran out of helium and only 30 balloons. I still wanted the 60 balloons and Josh willingly agreed to get another helium tank. The family was instructed to be at our room no later than 7 PM so we could release the balloons. Josh made it back JUST in time to finish blowing up the remainder of the balloons. I had 12 light blue balloons so we could spell out SAWYER JOSHUA, and I also had several white balloons so our families could write their own messages to Sawyer on the balloons. I also had some red that were labeled with "heart warrior" and some dark blue with no words. We divided them up and headed to the beach. Many thanks to Mallorie, Lucas and Loran for capturing these images for us.

 My favorite picture, EVER.

 

 Every year we do sand bottles. This year was no different. My brother and I did the annual brother-sister bottles and Lindsay wanted Emma to do a bottle for her, and we wanted to do one for Sawyer. This is something I will do EVERY year. Emma was such a helper and was only concerned about filling Sawyer's bottle instead of her own!

Overall the trip was really good. Relaxing and a time of reflection. I love talking about Sawyer and remembering all the moments I had with my sweet boy. I saw a quote one time that said something like "You aren't doing a mother a favor by not bringing up her little one, in fact it adds to her hurt because she thinks you have just forgot them". I loved it. Don't ever be afraid to talk to me about Sawyer, sometimes when you don't it makes me feel like you have just forgotten. I know people haven't but that is the way my mind works.

God has blessed me tremendously with friends and family to hold me up through this trial. I have been experiencing the five stages of grief, all at once. God has been beside me through it all. I started pre-planning Monday and while we went around introducing ourselves. It was a blessing to be surrounded by other Christian teachers and share the views and goals we have for ourselves and our students. There is one male teacher and it turns out he is also a grief counselor. He and his wife also lost their daughter a few years ago. Many of the teachers know my story because Josh's sister works at the school and they were all praying for us, but this teacher is new. I am CONSTANTLY blown away by the grace of God and how is always working things together. What a blessing to be working so closely with a grief counselor and also someone who has experienced our pain. We are planning a double date, which I am greatly looking forward too. 

Facebook. Facebook has been quite the emotional roller coaster lately. Many of my friends are to the age where they are having children, or their second children. My heart is so happy for them, but my heart is still very much raw and hurting from the loss of my own baby boy. I have decided to limit my time on Facebook and in fact I haven't gotten on at all in the past two days. I can already feel the difference it has made on my emotional state. I don't want anyone to EVER feel bad for posting pictures/updates or anything about their children. Children are a JOY, and I have always been encouraging you mothers to cherish all the moments so please keep doing so. I just have to remove myself from those types of social medias where I can tell it is affecting me emotionally. I know it will take time to heal, and that is okay. I know most people will also understand my decision to limit myself from Facebook.

As always I am so thankful for you all continuing to surround us in prayer. I know some days it is the only thing that is getting me through. School starts Monday and I have been pulling 12 hour days to get ready. I am working on a blog post to give you a tour of my classroom. It is adorable and I am proud of it! 

Love you all, 

Ashlyn