On the other side

The past week has been quite the up and down and all around. I try to keep up with my blog the best I can to capture those "big" moments, but also the ones I don't want to forget. Recently I saw a post that said "I never thought I would find myself on the other side of 'that will never happen to me' ". I feel the exact same way. I have always been that person to hear the terrible stories and think "that could never happen to me", and until now I have to be honest and say that I legitimately wanted to believe it wouldn't. Yet, here I am. Here I am on the other side. Every day is still a struggle, but with God on my side and a wonderful support system here on earth I am making it through. I know a lot of people probably think I shouldn't be so sad anymore or doing a little bit better. I am doing better, but this sadness will probably last a lifetime, only getting easier to control. I sometimes feel I take 4 steps forward and get knocked back 10. Satan is constantly working to move his way in between the relationship I have with God. Thankfully I have been able to stand strong in my faith and relationship with Christ despite the clear attempts to steer me away. Instead of letting these things take me over I choose to find joy in Christ and His provisions throughout this dark time. I love Building 429's song - "we won't be shaken"! It is true. My faith will not be shaken, and satan needs to take a seat and leave me alone!

I have lots to share since the last time I have posted. There will be a separate post for all of the pumpkins from October 15. So many people participated and for that I am so thankful - can't wait to share all the pictures!

First things first, we have hung up the NEW memory wall in our new house!

 Here is the new house the day of closing!

New memory wall, absolutely IN LOVE.

As we get more things hung up and put away I will post more pictures! The first week of October we had a fundraiser at school to raise money for our Art/Drama Department. Each day had a theme and the students LOVED dressing up! I decided I should get in on the fun. Here is a picture from each day!

Mustache Monday!

Top hat, Tiara, & Tie Tuesday

Wig Wednesday!

Throwback Thursday (to the Western days!)

Best day of the week - Favorite Friday!

So, of course, I dressed up like a giraffe.

The kids were ECSTATIC :)

I have to share with you what a blessing Trinity has been to me over the course of the last few months and also in relation to dealing with the loss of Sawyer. Many of the students lit candles for the Wave of Light. I was able to share my story with the students and my third graders have not forgotten one bit. They remind me of Sawyer DAILY and I never even have to say a word. On Wednesday October 9 it was his 5 month birthday. They remembered and one student broke out in song with "Happy Birthday" and before I could stop him the WHOLE class was singing. Then I received this on my desk from a student:

""Papper Prayer
Lord I pray for Mrs. Murphy son that you keep him safe in heaven with you Lord. And Mrs. Murfy don't you wory beacause evething is going to be alright. I keep my prayers. And I hope his birthday in heven is wonderful is wonderful! We love Sawyer!"

Blessings to my heart, they really are. Speaking of Sawyer's 5 month birthday - I took him new flowers and his cousins came to visit him! Here is my post from Facebook:

Sawyer,

Happy 5 month birthday sweet boy! I miss you so much, especially on days like today when the sadness seems to overtake me. You are the biggest blessing and I am so proud to be your mommy. Lots of people love you and miss you a whole lot but we all know we will see you again one day! I think what makes today especially hard is that it is your Otter Pop's birthday. I desperately wish you were here to celebrate with us, but I know you wouldn't want us to be so sad. I'm bringing you your new flowers tonight and I think your cousins are coming for a special visit. I made cupcakes last night - chocolate with white icing because those are your daddy's favorite and I bet you would have loved them too. I wish the pain was easier but it still stings every morning. I will love you forever, and miss you until I can see you again.
Love,
Mommy

October 13, 2013 marks one year since we made the announcement on Facebook that we were expecting. It is hard to think back to those feelings of excitement because I am still very much in the middle of my grief. I desperately wish I was still living in the midst of that excitement and joy, but I have been left with heartache and sadness. I do find joy in my memories of Sawyer and that I was blessed to be his mommy, but it is not the outcome I had envisioned that brought me so much joy when that announcement was made one year ago.

Monday, October 14, 2013 my support group put on a Remembrance Event in lieu of October 15 and National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It was a beautiful event and I am so thankful I was able to participate and remember not only Sawyer but all other babies represented by their families. We were able to light a candle in Sawyer's memory and release rose petals over the lake. The families that are a part of my support group are unbelievable and I am SO blessed that I know them, I just wish the circumstances were different. Here are some pictures from that night.

Sorry for the bad picture quality, blame it on my phone!

Thursday night was rough and I went in to school feeling down. I walked in to find this on my desk:

The student told me that he knew how much I liked pumpkins so he wanted to bring me something. (Side note: My school sent out an email with a link to my blog asking the parents and students to participate. I am continually blessed by this school and the community of people. This student told me he read the post about how much pumpkins meant to me.) I thought it was so sweet, and I knew it was God reminding me that not all things are bad. His timing with everything is so perfect! The student had written "from: your favorite student and something was scratched out above student. He came at the end of the day and said "did you see where I scratched something out? It originally said "from: your favorite man". I seriously laughed so hard! These students are great!

These days have been flying by but moving at a snail's pace. How that is even possible, I don't know. I am enjoying life but sad all at the same time. There is still so much I wish was different and I am trying to learn to live without. I am a stronger person but also a changed person. The Ashlyn that existed before Sawyer entered this world is an Ashlyn that will forever be different and that is okay with me. I have learned to cherish the moments and make memories because we don't ever know when we won't be able to make memories anymore. I was only able to make 18 days worth of memories with Sawyer, but they are the memories I cherish the most in this lifetime. I spent last night with my sweet boy. I posted about it on Facebook and someone commented saying they were sorry I had to be visiting a grave and that I wasn't at home snuggling my boy. I am too, but I am thankful for the love of my Savior and His sacrifice that means I will see my baby again. Because of the redemption of Christ and His forgiveness of my sins and my choice to give my life to Him, I will spend eternity with my Lord and Savior, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and my sweet baby boy. 

Look for a post with the pumpkins from Tuesday night's lighting, and a post from the "picture a day" Capture Your Grief challenge I have been participating. They will be coming soon. 

Thank you for your continued love and support, always meaning more than you know and more than I can convey.

Until next time,
Ashlyn

Sawyer's Memory Wall

The long awaited memory wall has finally been put up! Ever since my mom showed me the Pinterest post, I knew we had to do that for my sweet Sawyer. I wish I could say I am so happy and so overjoyed that it is complete, but it is so bittersweet. The flood of emotions I experienced the night my dad and Josh hung everything was so intense and I wasn't expecting it at all.

I try to go through daily life without thinking about all the things I am missing out on, but that usually doesn't work. The mind is an evil thing, and Satan is always on the move especially since I have chosen to chose God and His faithfulness over letting Satan take hold on my emotions. Every morning I wake up I have to fight off the thoughts of "I wonder if Sawyer would be sick today, or who would be keeping him." Every day at school I have to avoid the thoughts of "I wonder what Sawyer's favorite subject would be?" or "I wonder what Sawyer would have liked to do at recess when he was in third grade?" Questions I will never know the answer to, ever. Most of my friends are either pregnant, have kids, or aren't even at the stage of having kids. I struggle with where I even fit in these days. I have several close friends, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the thoughts of "do I really belong?" take a step into my ever running mind.

When we put up the memory wall it all came flying at me like a hurricane I couldn't escape. The wall is beautiful and holds the memories, the only memories, I will ever make with my son. But it also brought up the realization that while my pregnant friends are getting their nurseries ready and my friends with babies are posting new pictures every day, but here I am making a memory wall for my son who died. I shouldn't have to be doing that. I should be taking new pictures. I should have new stories to be telling. I feel awkward and uncomfortable when people share stories of their children because I don't have any new stories to share. The only stories I have are the ones every one has stories I have are the same ones I have already told and no one wants to hear those all the time. Some people act like I haven't even had a son, or a son who passed away, when they see me they just act like nothing ever happened. That hurts. A lot. I have a son. He isn't here with me but he is mine. My heart loves him more every day. My heart misses him more every day. My arms continue to ache for a baby I held three times, think about that the next time you complain your child doesn't want to do anything but be held.

I sometimes wonder how many people judge me for the way I grieve. Then I realize it doesn't matter. No one has walked in my exact shoes. There are those that can relate because they, too, have lost a baby. I am thankful for those people. But there is no one who found out on January 3 that something might be wrong with their baby. No one who left everything they knew behind on February 13 to head to Cincinnati not knowing when they would return. No one who spent 24 hours in labor only to have a C-section. No one who heard their baby cry but couldn't see him for many hours later. There is no one else who sat and held their baby as he took his last breath looking in to his mommy and daddy's eyes on May 27, 2013 at 9:36 PM in the CICU at Egleston. No one who sat in a room holding their lifeless baby as their parents and siblings grieve over the precious baby. No one who looked at their beautiful baby lying in a casket on May 30 desperately wishing he was sleeping and could be taken home soon. No one who had to leave the room as the funeral home closed the casket to the son we cherished for 18 days of life on Earth and will cherish for an eternity. There are those friends, though, that do their best to be there. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the texts that say "God continues to be sovereign. He is the same on the mountaintop as he is in the valley." & "I think God is trying to tell you 'I've got you, Ashlyn... always have and I'm not letting go."

The hardest thing for me is feeling like I am letting people down. There are things that I just can't do emotionally because my heart is still hurting so bad. I haven't "scrolled" through my news feed on Facebook in quite some time. I avoid it by just posting something and only looking at any notifications applying to my post. It has helped me greatly. But there are things like baby showers and birthday parties that I can't attend and as much as my heart hurts at the memories it brings up it also hurts because I feel bad. I have a 4-month old cousin (more like a nephew) that I haven't been able to hold since Sawyer passed away. It hurts that I can't hold him as much as it hurts to think about not holding Sawyer. It hurts to see pictures of new babies (another reason I limited my time on Facebook). It hurts to see the interactions of big brothers with their little siblings, something Sawyer's future sibling's won't be able to do with him. Everything just hurts. The day I don't cry will be an accomplishment.

Here are the pictures of the memory wall, some close up for a better view. Excuse the quality. My camera card isn't working and I had to use my phone.

I love this. The letters are covered in maps and painted brown. My mom did this for his nursery.

The beach picture is simply amazing and captures everything. Thanks to Brenda Jones for picking up this beautiful piece. Love my sweet heart warrior.

So glad Julie convinced me to start painting.

Love this board, and the fact I can interchange the pictures.

 I can't leave the stones that Dr. V's office gave me at the grave but I am using this vase to put them in on his memory wall. I am IN LOVE. The giraffe and elephant are the ones he had in his crib at Egleston, and my mom made an extra set that we put in the casket with him. That bag to the left is what we put the peanuts in for the name announcement.

Found this picture frame at Kohl's and I love it. It holds a picture of the first time I held my sweet baby, a memory I won't ever forget. And of course his heart warrior pillow.

This says "As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13

As we were at Walmart getting supplies to hang things up my mom found this. It was too perfect not to buy. The Lord speaks to me at every turn.

I love the entire wall, but this sunflower is amazing. I also found this the night we put the memory wall because we went to look for brown shelves for the wall. I couldn't help it. These pictures are also at the top of the list. Seeing my husband hold his son for the first time, there are no words to describe how this made me and makes me feel.

This wall is at the top of my stairs on the way to my bedroom. It is the last thing we see on the way to bed and one of the first things we see in the morning on our way to start our day. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time. 

I guess people just don't know what to say to me. And I don't know what people should say. But I don't want people to act like this didn't happen. I don't want people to act like I don't have a baby. I do. He may not be here with me, but that doesn't mean I don't have a son. It hurts to hear others share their stories of accomplishments of their little ones, but I have nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want hear them, though. I have no new stories, and I cringe at the thought that I never will. I try to focus on the joy that these parents have and that they are cherishing those moments. I pray Sawyer's story has encouraged you to cherish the moments and share them with others.

Nights like tonight I cling to Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you". Also Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Even though my heart is hurting, so bad, the Lord is with me. He is with me every step of the way. He knows my pain even when others don't. He is telling Sawyer all about his mommy and daddy and how much we love and miss him. He is taking care of my son, while I can't. He is working on healing in my heart, and He does care. These things I know are true. Even when I feel like every one else has moved on and "forgotten", He reminds me that He is right here, and He hasn't forgotten.

Until next time,

Ashlyn