A Different Halloween

"I don't think I have ever NOT looked forward to Halloween, until this year."

This was a text I sent the other day when the realization that Halloween is this week came to the forefront of my mind. I haven't ever really looked forward to Halloween either, but I literally cringe at the thought of this Thursday. I made the decision yesterday to stay off any social media sites on Halloween, and probably the day after, too. It really is too much to handle. I won't forget last Halloween. I was pregnant with Sawyer, sitting in my parents living room, discussing costume options with my cousin. Discussing costume ideas that would never become a reality, for Sawyer at least. To most people Halloween is just another holiday, no big deal. They dress their kids up, take some pictures, and walk them around to different houses until either the parents or the kids get tired. Some will complain it is on a school night, some will complain because their child won't make up their mind about what costume they want to where, and some will complain about how many trick-or-treaters they have come to their house. I would trade anything to walk Sawyer to 50 houses, 100 even. I wish I could change my mind one thousand times about his costume. I wish, I wish, I always wish everything was different. 

Last year we went after-Christmas returning/shopping with some friends. We were at the Belk in Snellville and we spotted the most adorable giraffe costume. I think it was 7$, and was the perfect size for Sawyer to wear this Halloween. Sawyer's auntie Hensley bought it for him because we all just couldn't stand how cute we knew he would look in it, something we still have to use our imagination for today. Here is the oh-so-popular costume:

                                      

I don't find it any coincidence that in the window behind me there is the word, wishes. This costume holds more wishes than I thought I would ever have for my life. If you look closely you can see my 'barely-there' baby bump. This was also about a week before our lives changed forever and we received the diagnosis of Sawyer's heart condition.

This Halloween should look differently than it will. Every year it has been a tradition to go over to my parents, eat Chili, and pass out candy to the trick-or-treaters. This year we should be having them over for chili, you know- in our new house. Then we should be taking Sawyer around to the houses for his first Halloween experience. But, instead, my parents, Josh, and myself are heading out to a movie. I will be "that" new neighbor who turns their lights off and doesn't pass out candy. Surprisingly, I don't care. I want to be the farthest place away from Halloween, costumes, candy, trick-or-treaters and anything else that reminds me of all that I will be missing out on this year. I have started to notice that it doesn't matter what store I go to, whatever I need always requires me to either walk past the baby section or the Halloween section. It is inevitable, and I always try to find away around, which usually puts me right in the middle of it. 

Over the past days, weeks, and months I have surrounded myself with people who help me remember and who remind me they will never forget my precious baby boy. It has reached the point where people don't remember the 27th, until I post something on Facebook or Instagram. (For anyone who gets tired of me posting about Sawyer and my journey through my grief process just do us both a favor and delete me.) My heart will continue to ache on these days, I know over time I wont spend so much time reflecting on how different life should be on those days but for now it is still so fresh. Yesterday was a rough day all around. I try to prepare emotionally, but the truth is I never can. But through my grief and sadness, the Lord does continue to show me joy - even yesterday.

I am not sure how much I have shared about the people we met at Egleston or through this journey we had during the pregnancy with Sawyer, but there is one family very near and dear to my heart. I met Lacy through someone I used to go to church with and when I posted my first blog, she realized she should connect me with Lacy. Lacy was pregnant with Josiah at the time (in January) and he had been diagnosed with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome). HLHS is the different from what Sawyer had, but it was the same in that they both would need open heart surgery. During Josiah's first few months of life, he had a rocky start. He was born at the end of January, and when I had Sawyer in May he was back at Egleston and had been placed on the heart transplant list. Lacy and Anthony spent countless days sitting and talking with us, and Lacy and I really connected through email, Facebook and text before Sawyer was here. Since Josiah was born first, she was able to give me an idea of what to expect if Sawyer was to come to Egleston sooner than later (something I knew would happen long before he was born, momma's instinct I guess). Once we arrived, this family become our family. We cried, laughed, and did most things together while in the hospital. Josiah was actually in a room close to where Sawyer's bedspace was, and Lacy and Anthony were able to say hello and meet Sawyer. The night Sawyer passed away, Lacy was the first person we saw, and the first person who we told as we walked out of his room on our way to meet with our parents. Their friendship has meant more to us than they will ever know. Through our loss of Sawyer, Josiah continued to fight and he fought hard! He has had his second open heart surgery and is growing like a weed. Lo and behold, when we left lunch yesterday we ran in to this precious family. I know it was God reminding me that He is STILL good, and that miracles are continuing to happen all around me.

Another special part of yesterday was the Remembrance Ceremony that was put on by Gwinnett Medical. A lot of the women who attend my support group and it was just so nice to be able to share and remember our babies with one another and other sweet mom's. My parents were at our church fall festival but Josh's parents and my aunt Deedy (who is also a NICU nurse) were able to be there! We wrote notes on butterflies and released balloons. Here are some pictures:

   Throughout this journey I have been made more and more aware of the way God is working in my life DAILY, it is unbelievable. I am more aware of how things have worked together and can see distinctly parts of His plan for my life. I don't know all of the purposes for Sawyer's life, but slowly I am becoming more aware of a few. I have been able to minister to other hurting families that, like us, have said goodbye to their precious babies too soon. I have also been able to share the way that God has been working in my life, and share the love He has for not only me, but all of us as His children. I still cry at little reminders and on certain days, but I know He is working on healing my broken heart. This pain will never go away, but I am certain that it will become easier to manage. The day I am reunited with my Savior and my sweet boy will be a glorious day indeed!

Until next time,

Ashlyn

Sawyer's Memory Wall

The long awaited memory wall has finally been put up! Ever since my mom showed me the Pinterest post, I knew we had to do that for my sweet Sawyer. I wish I could say I am so happy and so overjoyed that it is complete, but it is so bittersweet. The flood of emotions I experienced the night my dad and Josh hung everything was so intense and I wasn't expecting it at all.

I try to go through daily life without thinking about all the things I am missing out on, but that usually doesn't work. The mind is an evil thing, and Satan is always on the move especially since I have chosen to chose God and His faithfulness over letting Satan take hold on my emotions. Every morning I wake up I have to fight off the thoughts of "I wonder if Sawyer would be sick today, or who would be keeping him." Every day at school I have to avoid the thoughts of "I wonder what Sawyer's favorite subject would be?" or "I wonder what Sawyer would have liked to do at recess when he was in third grade?" Questions I will never know the answer to, ever. Most of my friends are either pregnant, have kids, or aren't even at the stage of having kids. I struggle with where I even fit in these days. I have several close friends, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the thoughts of "do I really belong?" take a step into my ever running mind.

When we put up the memory wall it all came flying at me like a hurricane I couldn't escape. The wall is beautiful and holds the memories, the only memories, I will ever make with my son. But it also brought up the realization that while my pregnant friends are getting their nurseries ready and my friends with babies are posting new pictures every day, but here I am making a memory wall for my son who died. I shouldn't have to be doing that. I should be taking new pictures. I should have new stories to be telling. I feel awkward and uncomfortable when people share stories of their children because I don't have any new stories to share. The only stories I have are the ones every one has stories I have are the same ones I have already told and no one wants to hear those all the time. Some people act like I haven't even had a son, or a son who passed away, when they see me they just act like nothing ever happened. That hurts. A lot. I have a son. He isn't here with me but he is mine. My heart loves him more every day. My heart misses him more every day. My arms continue to ache for a baby I held three times, think about that the next time you complain your child doesn't want to do anything but be held.

I sometimes wonder how many people judge me for the way I grieve. Then I realize it doesn't matter. No one has walked in my exact shoes. There are those that can relate because they, too, have lost a baby. I am thankful for those people. But there is no one who found out on January 3 that something might be wrong with their baby. No one who left everything they knew behind on February 13 to head to Cincinnati not knowing when they would return. No one who spent 24 hours in labor only to have a C-section. No one who heard their baby cry but couldn't see him for many hours later. There is no one else who sat and held their baby as he took his last breath looking in to his mommy and daddy's eyes on May 27, 2013 at 9:36 PM in the CICU at Egleston. No one who sat in a room holding their lifeless baby as their parents and siblings grieve over the precious baby. No one who looked at their beautiful baby lying in a casket on May 30 desperately wishing he was sleeping and could be taken home soon. No one who had to leave the room as the funeral home closed the casket to the son we cherished for 18 days of life on Earth and will cherish for an eternity. There are those friends, though, that do their best to be there. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the texts that say "God continues to be sovereign. He is the same on the mountaintop as he is in the valley." & "I think God is trying to tell you 'I've got you, Ashlyn... always have and I'm not letting go."

The hardest thing for me is feeling like I am letting people down. There are things that I just can't do emotionally because my heart is still hurting so bad. I haven't "scrolled" through my news feed on Facebook in quite some time. I avoid it by just posting something and only looking at any notifications applying to my post. It has helped me greatly. But there are things like baby showers and birthday parties that I can't attend and as much as my heart hurts at the memories it brings up it also hurts because I feel bad. I have a 4-month old cousin (more like a nephew) that I haven't been able to hold since Sawyer passed away. It hurts that I can't hold him as much as it hurts to think about not holding Sawyer. It hurts to see pictures of new babies (another reason I limited my time on Facebook). It hurts to see the interactions of big brothers with their little siblings, something Sawyer's future sibling's won't be able to do with him. Everything just hurts. The day I don't cry will be an accomplishment.

Here are the pictures of the memory wall, some close up for a better view. Excuse the quality. My camera card isn't working and I had to use my phone.

I love this. The letters are covered in maps and painted brown. My mom did this for his nursery.

The beach picture is simply amazing and captures everything. Thanks to Brenda Jones for picking up this beautiful piece. Love my sweet heart warrior.

So glad Julie convinced me to start painting.

Love this board, and the fact I can interchange the pictures.

 I can't leave the stones that Dr. V's office gave me at the grave but I am using this vase to put them in on his memory wall. I am IN LOVE. The giraffe and elephant are the ones he had in his crib at Egleston, and my mom made an extra set that we put in the casket with him. That bag to the left is what we put the peanuts in for the name announcement.

Found this picture frame at Kohl's and I love it. It holds a picture of the first time I held my sweet baby, a memory I won't ever forget. And of course his heart warrior pillow.

This says "As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13

As we were at Walmart getting supplies to hang things up my mom found this. It was too perfect not to buy. The Lord speaks to me at every turn.

I love the entire wall, but this sunflower is amazing. I also found this the night we put the memory wall because we went to look for brown shelves for the wall. I couldn't help it. These pictures are also at the top of the list. Seeing my husband hold his son for the first time, there are no words to describe how this made me and makes me feel.

This wall is at the top of my stairs on the way to my bedroom. It is the last thing we see on the way to bed and one of the first things we see in the morning on our way to start our day. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time. 

I guess people just don't know what to say to me. And I don't know what people should say. But I don't want people to act like this didn't happen. I don't want people to act like I don't have a baby. I do. He may not be here with me, but that doesn't mean I don't have a son. It hurts to hear others share their stories of accomplishments of their little ones, but I have nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want hear them, though. I have no new stories, and I cringe at the thought that I never will. I try to focus on the joy that these parents have and that they are cherishing those moments. I pray Sawyer's story has encouraged you to cherish the moments and share them with others.

Nights like tonight I cling to Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you". Also Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Even though my heart is hurting, so bad, the Lord is with me. He is with me every step of the way. He knows my pain even when others don't. He is telling Sawyer all about his mommy and daddy and how much we love and miss him. He is taking care of my son, while I can't. He is working on healing in my heart, and He does care. These things I know are true. Even when I feel like every one else has moved on and "forgotten", He reminds me that He is right here, and He hasn't forgotten.

Until next time,

Ashlyn

St. Augustine 2013

   I posted a few weeks ago that we would be going on vacation with my parents to St. Augustine just as we have in years prior. I was unsure if I had even wanted to take this vacation because I knew it would bring with it a lot of heartache over the loss of Sawyer and that he wasn't able to be with us. When you are still learning how to function and deal with your emotions while avoiding places with families, specifically little boys, the beach is probably the LAST place you would want to go. Families, babies, memories all wrapped up in to one while you are suffering in your downfall of emotions. I chose to embrace the challenge head on because I knew it would just be harder in years to come if I tried to avoid it now. My parents, brother, grandparents, and I always go the same two weeks every year and there are many other families that go the same time as we do. This year we only went for a week, but thankfully it was at the same time as everyone else. My aunt, uncle, cousin, and her daughter were all able to come join us.
   I knew that the pain of missing Sawyer would intensify on this trip. It started out rough the morning we left because I wanted to go visit him and let him know I would be back in a week. For some people this may seem strange because the only thing buried is Sawyer's shell, but right now in my grief it is one of the ways I can cope. I know that Sawyer is in Heaven with Jesus and that sitting at his grave is just for me because he isn't there, but leaving for a week was very difficult. Luckily my aunt was watching my cats and stopped by on the days she was over at my house. My two cousins even took a book and read to him! Anyways, our trip always starts out by meeting at a Cracker Barrel after driving for a few hours. EVERYTHING reminded me of Sawyer. Cracker Barrel, the farmers market, arriving at the beach,unpacking, etc. You name it and I was thinking about my baby boy. How much more would we have packed? Would he have been asleep when we ate at Cracker Barrel? Would he have enjoyed the toys? (I avoided that section all together, especially the baby clothes. That is weird, by the way. Why does Cracker Barrel sell clothing?) Would he have enjoyed the beach? What would he think of the sand? The pool? The ocean? The list goes on, but that is a pretty good summary of how my mind was running in circles the whole time.

The trip was the same for the most part - we took our trips to our favorite restaurants, spent most of the days on the beach, and just enjoyed family time. On Friday night, our last night, we had made the decision to release balloons. I had my mind set on having between 50-60 balloons, not sure why but I wanted that number. We picked up a helium tank earlier in the week and at about 6PM I had Josh blow up the balloons. Around 6:15 he ran out of helium and only 30 balloons. I still wanted the 60 balloons and Josh willingly agreed to get another helium tank. The family was instructed to be at our room no later than 7 PM so we could release the balloons. Josh made it back JUST in time to finish blowing up the remainder of the balloons. I had 12 light blue balloons so we could spell out SAWYER JOSHUA, and I also had several white balloons so our families could write their own messages to Sawyer on the balloons. I also had some red that were labeled with "heart warrior" and some dark blue with no words. We divided them up and headed to the beach. Many thanks to Mallorie, Lucas and Loran for capturing these images for us.

 My favorite picture, EVER.

 

 Every year we do sand bottles. This year was no different. My brother and I did the annual brother-sister bottles and Lindsay wanted Emma to do a bottle for her, and we wanted to do one for Sawyer. This is something I will do EVERY year. Emma was such a helper and was only concerned about filling Sawyer's bottle instead of her own!

Overall the trip was really good. Relaxing and a time of reflection. I love talking about Sawyer and remembering all the moments I had with my sweet boy. I saw a quote one time that said something like "You aren't doing a mother a favor by not bringing up her little one, in fact it adds to her hurt because she thinks you have just forgot them". I loved it. Don't ever be afraid to talk to me about Sawyer, sometimes when you don't it makes me feel like you have just forgotten. I know people haven't but that is the way my mind works.

God has blessed me tremendously with friends and family to hold me up through this trial. I have been experiencing the five stages of grief, all at once. God has been beside me through it all. I started pre-planning Monday and while we went around introducing ourselves. It was a blessing to be surrounded by other Christian teachers and share the views and goals we have for ourselves and our students. There is one male teacher and it turns out he is also a grief counselor. He and his wife also lost their daughter a few years ago. Many of the teachers know my story because Josh's sister works at the school and they were all praying for us, but this teacher is new. I am CONSTANTLY blown away by the grace of God and how is always working things together. What a blessing to be working so closely with a grief counselor and also someone who has experienced our pain. We are planning a double date, which I am greatly looking forward too. 

Facebook. Facebook has been quite the emotional roller coaster lately. Many of my friends are to the age where they are having children, or their second children. My heart is so happy for them, but my heart is still very much raw and hurting from the loss of my own baby boy. I have decided to limit my time on Facebook and in fact I haven't gotten on at all in the past two days. I can already feel the difference it has made on my emotional state. I don't want anyone to EVER feel bad for posting pictures/updates or anything about their children. Children are a JOY, and I have always been encouraging you mothers to cherish all the moments so please keep doing so. I just have to remove myself from those types of social medias where I can tell it is affecting me emotionally. I know it will take time to heal, and that is okay. I know most people will also understand my decision to limit myself from Facebook.

As always I am so thankful for you all continuing to surround us in prayer. I know some days it is the only thing that is getting me through. School starts Monday and I have been pulling 12 hour days to get ready. I am working on a blog post to give you a tour of my classroom. It is adorable and I am proud of it! 

Love you all, 

Ashlyn 

July Fourth 2013

Dear Sawyer,

This was the first holiday where we had a family get-together since you passed away. It was fun and extremely difficult all at the same time. Ever since we found out we were pregnant I created these dreams of what our life with you would be like, including different holidays. I never got to see how my dreams would play out, so I just have to keep dreaming. I wonder what you would have thought about fireworks - would you have been scared or would you be like your daddy and love them all? I bet you were sitting up there with Jesus watching all the fireworks with the best seat in the house. It was hard experiencing yet another holiday without you, and sometimes it just seems like life is moving forward without you here, but I'm not ready for that yet. I want you to be here with us physically so bad I can feel the pain.

We lit off fireworks for about 30 minutes before we headed out to visit you and light off sparklers. I want you to know that you will always be a part of our holidays and we will never stop including you. I hate that for now we are separated, but one day you and I will have a glorious reunion in Heaven and you can show me all around and introduce me to all the friends you have made! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you, and sometimes it seems like I miss you more than ever before. I am constantly wondering how life would be so different if you were here with us and how much happier I would be with you here. I know you don't want Mommy to be sad, I just miss you so terribly much. I come visit you a lot and I enjoy spending time out there with you. You are so special to me and I love you more than words could ever express. You will always be my baby, always. I love you sweet boy. 


Love,
Mommy

P.S. Here are some pictures from our sparklers with you last night, I hope you enjoyed them!

 

Happy 4th baby boy!

Some of the family came out to light sparklers!

Emma Grace brought you a bracelet, to match the one she has :)

 

 

 

Missing you more and more sweet Sawyer

 

We love you Sawyer!

Father's Day

I have been struggling lately with what to say about Father's Day. It has brought up a lot of emotions, some much harder than others. I kind of wish this wasn't a day we celebrated (thanks, Hallmark) so I could avoid this pain all together. But it's here, and I have to deal with it.  I don't really know where to begin, or where to end so I am just going to start typing. That is how most of my posts work anyways. Happy Father's Day to my dad, Keven, Josh's dad, David, and especially to my sweet husband, Josh. I love all three of you very much!

Let me start of by saying what I am thankful for this weekend. I am so thankful for my dad and the influence he has had on my life up until now, and the influence I know he will continue to have throughout the years. His support (and my mom's) throughout this terribly tragedy has meant more to Josh and I than words could ever convey, ever. I remember a lot about my childhood, but several things stick out. When my dad would tuck me in he would tell me about how things were made. He told me about everything from ceiling fans to ice cream. As I got older we became closer and there were nights we would stay up until 5 am talking about anything and everything, but especially how we were really the only normal people in the world. He taught me to be confident in myself and to do whatever I have set my mind to do in life. I'll never forget the night Sawyer had his surgery and he had to be put on ECMO. We came out of the consultation room and I basically fell apart telling my parents what happened and my dad was the only holding me together and telling me to be strong. Dad - I am so thankful for you and everything you have done for not only me, but also Josh and Sawyer. Thank you for being the Godly influence in our home and teaching me about Christ's love for me through your actions. I know Sawyer loved his Otter Pop. I love you dad!

I am also very thankful for Josh's dad (and mom). Without either one of them I wouldn't have my wonderful husband. I know Josh's dad raised him to be a wonderful Christian man and also taught him a lot about love. I am also thankful for the relationship we have. I wasn't sure when I met him how that would work out because we literally have the same personality (loud, outspoken, and silly) but it really has been a blessing. Now when I make smart-butt comments he laughs and says "I think she likes me". It's true - I love both David and Marla more than words can convey and also am so thankful for the support they have given and continue to give through this trial in our life. David, thank you for raising such a godly man who loves me with all of his heart and teaching him to be a great father. I am so thankful for your humor and that we can be silly and cut up with each other. Thank you for being the Godly influence for Josh and showing him Christ's love through your love for him. I love you! 

Now for the hard part. This is Josh's first Father's Day, and also his first without Sawyer. I am so so so sad that this is how our life turned out like this. We go out to restaurants and no one knows that we are parents. I just want to run around screaming telling everyone what happened so they understand. No father should ever celebrate his first Father's Day while grieving the loss of the son that is no longer with him. Josh and I grieve differently - as many men and women. He is a silent griever while I like to just let all my emotions out, hence the blog. I have struggled with what to do for Father's Day. I know Josh deserves to be recognized because he is an amazing father to Sawyer, I just didn't want it to be something that made him more sad. Many of you who were at the funeral remember the words he said - the words that broke everyone's heart. I am so sad that Josh will never get to teach Sawyer to play golf, go hunting, or play baseball. These are things that some fathers take for granted - but please don't, appreciate it because some fathers, like Josh, never have the chance when they would desperately love to do those things. Josh loves Sawyer and the way he cares about him and fought for him made me love him even more. I know Sawyer knows how much his daddy loves him. I also know that Sawyer wouldn't want either of us to be sad all the time, but it is a struggle because not only am I missing the memories I will never be able to make, I am missing the ones that Josh won't be able to make either. Josh, you are an amazing husband and father. I am thankful that we have grown even closer through the midst of something that probably tears most couples apart. We will see Sawyer again and he will be his daddy's best bud. I've said it before, but I'm pretty sure there is a golf course in Heaven and Jesus is teaching Sawyer how to play right now so you can play with him once we are reunited. I love you, and Sawyer does too. 

"Happy Father's Day, daddy. I love you very much!" - Sawyer

 

my precious, precious family

what a wonderful memory

I have to thank my Heavenly Father for his love and mercy. It's not just this day He should be celebrated and praised, but if we are celebrating our fathers, he needs to be included. A lot of people have told me how strong we are, but this is far from the truth. The only strength we have is from Christ. We have received comfort in knowing that Sawyer and us will have eternal life with Him, which means we will see him again! This doesn't always make the pain here on Earth easier, but it helps at times. Sawyer was very, very sick and God knew it was time to take him home, to give him complete healing. We prayed for God to heal our baby, and He did. I will be the first to tell you that it was NOT the way I wanted, but it was the way God designed. God knew our lives before we were ever thought of by our parents, and He knows what the future holds for us (Jeremiah 29:11).  I am thankful for Him teaching both Josh and I more about this life we were given, and for being there for both of us through this unimaginable loss. He has never left our side, and never will - for that I am grateful.

Nothing will change what happened. I wish it would, but Sawyer is gone and we can't bring him back to earth to be here with us. I am choosing to use this trial to praise Him and try to be a source of encouragement to those who may be struggling with something similar. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV)" We may never understand the ways of The Lord and the plans He has for us here on Earth, but we are called to live by His word. It's been a struggle to trust Him, especially when I feel like Sawyer was literally ripped away from us. God has a plan, that is what I cling to for our lives. I hate when people say "you can try again" or "you will have more children" - thanks, I know that. What people don't seem to get is it doesn't matter how many more children we have, Sawyer was our first baby boy and he always will be and no future children will take away this pain or be some kind of "replacement", that isn't how it works. I know that people don't know what to say, and that whenever someone says something it is usually with the best intentions, but that is a hard one to hear because it just isn't comforting at all. I saw a quote the other day that said grief is almost like drowning, everyone else around you is continuing to breath while you are struggling for air. This is so true, it seems like everyone else has just picked up and moved on with life and we are just stuck here. We struggle through each day, especially these painful holidays, trying to figure out what "normal" even is anymore. The pain will never go away, we will just learn how to live with it. I know that all of this is being used for His glory and I am trying to keep my head up. My friend sent me this verse the other day:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18"

This is the promise we have from Christ, that because of our personal relationship with Him and believing in Him, we will see Him, and our sweet Sawyer again because what is unseen is ETERNAL. Sawyer isn't struggling anymore, God was merciful and called him home because his life here on Earth probably would have been one of suffering. Thank goodness for this promise of eternal life ("For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16) we will see our sweet baby boy again. The days will turn to weeks that will turn to years, all time passing by putting us closer to the moment we will see him again. God loves us, and you, more than anyone could EVER imagine. Romans 5:8  says "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." We have done nothing to deserve this love, yet He has given us everything. Thanking God and praising Him for all of His blessings and comfort through this trial.

Happy Father's Day to you, fathers. Be a Godly influence in your home and teach your children the love of God and show them that love through your actions. Love your wife the way God loves us, it will be the way your children treat other people. You are one of the main influences in your children's lives - teach them how to love and be loved. Be silly, be serious, be encouraging, be everything for your children and cherish those precious moments!

With love,
Ashlyn

forever in our hearts, we love you Sawyer!