It's a new year! I didn't blog as much as I wanted to in 2015 and I really want to make it more of a priority in 2016 to document our lives and our memories. 2015 was a good year for our family, even though it is hard for me to use the word "good". It's hard because a piece is always missing - our Sawyer. I have learned however though that God still has great things in store for our family, even though we are missing a part of our family. We're getting ready to welcome our second son in March - Rhett Levi and we are so excited! More blog posts to come this year, I hope!
Recently the news has been filled with story after story of parents losing their children much too young, and it hits home every single time. I've learned that ,regardless of the age of your child when you had to say goodbye, the pain is unimaginable even for those who have experienced the same. I never know what to say, along with everyone else, because the truth is I know that nothing makes it better. There aren't magic words that anyone can say to make you feel better or make the situation seem not so bad - in fact it usually backfires when people make an attempt to 'bandaid' the situation.
I once had someone tell me "well, at lease you didn't have him for that long so it couldn't have been as hard as someone who lost them at age 5, 10, etc". I stood there dumbfounded not knowing what to say. I don't compare my loss to anyone else's because it is my own, not theirs, nor is their loss mine. In the end, we have both said goodbye to our children too soon and are both missing out on monumental occasions.
Two and a half years removed from the loss of Sawyer and it still hurts just as bad. I've learned to deal with daily life, but when it hits, it hits hard. I will never forget attending a support group about 6 months after he passed away and we were celebrating the birthday of another angel baby who would have been five years old. I watched as the mother sobbed, the same way I sobbed, only there were years between our loss. I think before then I had this strange thought that surely I wouldn't be this upset forever, but on those special days I know I will. When I got home and told Josh - it's always going to hurt this bad. Sure, daily life has gotten easier to deal with and I feel that I have a better hold on my emotional stability and how I deal with the pain. The special days though rip straight through my heart, and some days its just a random day when a random thought pops in to my head. For instance, we have been discussing fitting two car seats in the backseat of my car - when it should be three. I've even been hit with a wave of sadness when the hostess how many are in our party, because one is always missing.
Days go by when I don't cry, but never does a day go by when I don't think about that sweet boy. The days when the tears hit can be completely random or tied to a specific event or holiday. I wish he was here with us always, and even at 2-1/2 years removed from the freshness of it all, it still feels so fresh. It feels fresh when people don't acknowledge him in our growing family. It feels fresh when I am reminded he won't be here for the holidays. It feels fresh every time I look at Rhory and wish she wasn't missing out on that sweet big brother- little sister relationship. It just feels fresh.
Well, I am way behind on this! Rhory turned 11 months on August 4, and a lot happened during her 11th month of life! She had her first trip to the beach, found out she would be a big sister, and mommy went back to work! Lots of changes that she handled like a champ. I am so thankful for an easy going baby who rolls with the craziness that is our life. She started saying mama and dada a lot during this month and pulling up a good amount, but no real steps. My dad predicted it would be soon, though!
I'll post a collage of her 11 month pictures soon but for now I am glad to have the post done!
Look at that sweet baby! She has such a personality and is constantly making us laugh. Her tenth month of life was filled with much excitement! I started a nanny job so she was constantly surrounded with her "new" friends - a 7 year old girl and a 9 year old boy. They loved her, too! Every afternoon when we dropped them off she would cry and cry because she didn't have her back seat entertainment!
I have stopped relying on my measuring skills, hence the "ish" in the photos near the weight and height. Ha!
Her ten month birthday was on the Fourth of July! She wasn't too fond of the fireworks but she had a weekend long celebration! I'll make the slideshow of pics later and post them :) it is so hard to believe she will be a year old soon... I desperately need to get to planning her birthday party!
Nine months! Her first birthday is approaching so quickly - I just can't believe it!! I am so way behind on this post :( but, life has been busy and her ninth month of life happened to be during the month of May which is a super hard month as it is. She has been cutting two teeth and eating more and more! I will put some pictures in a slide show and post them!
It's crazy how fast time has flown by, and the fact that I am over a month late on this post!
Sawyer's second birthday was rough and it hit us hard. I think with Rhory being here it made us realize everything we have missed out on with Sawyer. All of the things she does are also those things we are realizing we will never see him do. Grief and joy fully existing within the realm of one another.
We decided to do the art drive again - mentioned in an earlier post - and I took that down on the two year anniversary of his death. We were able to donate a lot of art supplies for the kids! Next year I want to get restaurants involved as drop off locations and make it super big.
We didn't do a dinner or a get together because I just didn't want to. Josh and I took Rhory out to dinner and then met up with a few friends and family for a lantern release at the grave. We found heart shaped lanterns that I knew would be perfect. We spent the day at Fernbank just enjoying family time, and creating memories. After releasing the lanterns in the evening we grabbed some ice cream at Dairy Queen. A perfect birthday treat that I knew Sawyer would enjoy!
Happy birthday Sawyer! We love you forever and always!