Wednesday, July 17, 2013

flashbacks and fresh starts

It has been a while since I have had any time to post much, but it's about time!  There have been a few new exciting things that have happened lately and I want to share them with the world (or maybe just all my blog followers)! Here we go....

I always try to title my blogs with titles that accurately reflect how the post will read and what has been going on lately. A lot of people have been asking me how I am doing and I generally don't know what to say. The tears have gotten less, but the pain hasn't subsided. I know this is normal and I know that everyone experiences grief in their own way so that is exactly what I am trying to do - handle my grief in my own way. I still cry almost every day, but not as much. The newest thing that has started happening are flashbacks. I am not sure if that is what others would use to describe it but that is what most accurately fits it for me. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing but I have started constantly having flashbacks to my pregnancy and the 18 days we had with Sawyer. When I say flashbacks - these are like VIVID memories almost as if I am experiencing them all over again. Some are happy times, but others just make me very sad and full of 'what if' questions. It hasn't been easy experiencing these because sometimes they just come out of no where, but I have a better handle on my emotional state when they do happen. I'd like to remember just the happy times, but the truth is there are a lot of sad times as well. I miss Sawyer a whole lot and I am always reminded of him, especially by sunflowers (which I see EVERY WHERE now). I don't mind being reminded of him or talking about him. Some people may think they are doing me a favor by not talking about it, but you aren't - sometimes it just makes me think that you have forgotten about him which is the last thing I want. I had a relatively good day on Monday this week, and when I stopped by to see Sawyer they had planted his tree and put his marker in the ground!

I also have some very exciting news to share. I have put most of my life out in the open through this blog, but there are some things that I have kept to my self  - for several reasons. I am now ready to share the news with my blog followers! Back in September I started taking online classes for my Master's degree in Elementary Education at Grand Canyon University. I have my Bachelor's degree in Business Administration, but my passion is and always has been teaching. Once I found out I was pregnant I knew taking classes would be a struggle, but I was determined to push forward and schedule a break around the time Sawyer was scheduled to arrive. I had terrible morning sickness and that made taking classes hard and then after the diagnosis in January I was very torn up emotionally and struggled but managed to keep up with the classes and get straight A's. My last class finished a week after Sawyer was born and with him being at Egleston I knew I would need a break. After he passed away I had an interview for a teaching position and I have since received news that I will be a Language Arts teacher for 3rd-5th grade. I am so thankful that the Lord has opened this door for me and I know it is a fresh start and will provide a necessary distraction from the trials of life recently. I know He has great plans for me and I am ready and willing to take the steps forward on this new journey, praising Him for all of his blessings. I know God has a plan bigger than our imagination and Josh and I are both trusting in His truths and promises for our lives. Here are some decorations have already snagged at the store!

I saw this poster and couldn't resist. I hope to instill this in the hearts and minds of the children of my classroom!

I have said before that sunflowers always remind me of Sawyer and they really do. We went to the sunflower festival with our friends a few weekends ago and had a blast. I also scored a sunflower for my front door at Hobby Lobby for 7$. A great deal and a wonderful addition to my front door!

"I love you more than all the bees in a sunflower field"

 I am so thankful for all of you and your prayers for our family! I know God is getting ready to do big things in our lives and I am so thankful we have so many people who care about us and are standing with us through this tragedy. We still miss Sawyer more and more every day, but I know God is by our side each and every day walking through this with us. 

Love you all,


Friday, July 5, 2013

July Fourth 2013

Dear Sawyer,

This was the first holiday where we had a family get-together since you passed away. It was fun and extremely difficult all at the same time. Ever since we found out we were pregnant I created these dreams of what our life with you would be like, including different holidays. I never got to see how my dreams would play out, so I just have to keep dreaming. I wonder what you would have thought about fireworks - would you have been scared or would you be like your daddy and love them all? I bet you were sitting up there with Jesus watching all the fireworks with the best seat in the house. It was hard experiencing yet another holiday without you, and sometimes it just seems like life is moving forward without you here, but I'm not ready for that yet. I want you to be here with us physically so bad I can feel the pain.

We lit off fireworks for about 30 minutes before we headed out to visit you and light off sparklers. I want you to know that you will always be a part of our holidays and we will never stop including you. I hate that for now we are separated, but one day you and I will have a glorious reunion in Heaven and you can show me all around and introduce me to all the friends you have made! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you, and sometimes it seems like I miss you more than ever before. I am constantly wondering how life would be so different if you were here with us and how much happier I would be with you here. I know you don't want Mommy to be sad, I just miss you so terribly much. I come visit you a lot and I enjoy spending time out there with you. You are so special to me and I love you more than words could ever express. You will always be my baby, always. I love you sweet boy. 


P.S. Here are some pictures from our sparklers with you last night, I hope you enjoyed them!

Happy 4th baby boy!

Some of the family came out to light sparklers!

Emma Grace brought you a bracelet, to match the one she has :)
Missing you more and more sweet Sawyer
We love you Sawyer!