Sunday, November 8, 2015

Two and a half years later

Recently the news has been filled with story after story of parents losing their children much too young, and it hits home every single time. I've learned that ,regardless of the age of your child when you had to say goodbye, the pain is unimaginable even for those who have experienced the same. I never know what to say, along with everyone else, because the truth is I know that nothing makes it better. There aren't magic words that anyone can say to make you feel better or make the situation seem not so bad - in fact it usually backfires when people make an attempt to 'bandaid' the situation.

I once had someone tell me "well, at lease you didn't have him for that long so it couldn't have been as hard as someone who lost them at age 5, 10, etc". I stood there dumbfounded not knowing what to say. I don't compare my loss to anyone else's because it is my own, not theirs, nor is their loss mine. In the end, we have both said goodbye to our children too soon and are both missing out on monumental occasions.

Two and a half years removed from the loss of Sawyer and it still hurts just as bad. I've learned to deal with daily life, but when it hits, it hits hard. I will never forget attending a support group about 6 months after he passed away and we were celebrating the birthday of another angel baby who would have been five years old. I watched as the mother sobbed, the same way I sobbed, only there were years between our loss. I think before then I had this strange thought that surely I wouldn't be this upset forever, but on those special days I know I will. When I got home and told Josh - it's always going to hurt this bad. Sure, daily life has gotten easier to deal with and I feel that I have a better hold on my emotional stability and how I deal with the pain. The special days though rip straight through my heart, and some days its just a random day when a random thought pops in to my head. For instance, we have been discussing fitting two car seats in the backseat of my car - when it should be three. I've even been hit with a wave of sadness when the hostess how many are in our party, because one is always missing.

Days go by when I don't cry, but never does a day go by when I don't think about that sweet boy. The days when the tears hit can be completely random or tied to a specific event or holiday. I wish he was here with us always, and even at 2-1/2 years removed from the freshness of it all, it still feels so fresh. It feels fresh when people don't acknowledge him in our growing family. It feels fresh when I am reminded he won't be here for the holidays. It feels fresh every time I look at Rhory and wish she wasn't missing out on that sweet big brother- little sister relationship. It just feels fresh. 

Until next time,