Sunday, November 9, 2014

Sawyer Joshua: 18 Months

Crazy, right? It's been 18 months since our precious first born Sawyer made his entrance in to this world, and almost 18 months since he left this world. I try to imagine life with a 1-1/2 year old and a 2 month old but the truth is I just can't because I don't know what it would be like. I would be lying if I said I wasn't, at times, envious of those families with two littles running around because I so much want my life to look like that right now. 18 is so significant considering he spent only 18 days here on Earth. There are times when I can literally feel everything about certain moments while we were at Egleston from the first time I was able to see him to the phone call we got that we needed to come back. It's almost surreal that any of this has happened, but it has and the time since just keeps getting longer and longer. 

More and more frequently I am asked if Rhory is our first. I have never said "yes" and I never will, because that isn't the truth. I don't mind sharing about Sawyer, but I am reminded of how truly sad it is every time I tell someone. Their immediate reaction is apologizing for even asking because they think they have upset me. What happened sucks, but it is such a vital part of who we are today as individuals, a couple, and as parents. I ALWAYS love talking about Sawyer and being able to share what God has done and continues to do through that situation. 

This morning our pastor said a few things that really stuck out to me. One was about how people make a five year plan but they really have no idea what is going to happen five minutes from now. That is so true! I am such a planner and before last January (2013) when we got Sawyers diagnosis I thought I had the perfect plan. Life had changed and taken different paths before then, but when you have a child or are pregnant all future "plans" include them. Sitting here writing this today I can honestly still say that not having Sawyer here wasn't anything I thought about. Even after his diagnosis I didn't want to think about it. Losing him has made both Josh and I cherish every day with Rhory and so appreciative of each breath we have. I don't know where we will be in five years, and I don't think about it as much as I used to anymore.  I know where I want to be but I've also learned that what we want and Gods plans aren't always the same. 

That was the second thing that stuck out to me this morning. Our pastor was talking about prayer and that God has said when we pray He will answer. When we found out Sawyer was sick we prayed for healing. And in our minds that healing was going to be here on Earth. Much to our disappointment it wasn't, but in truth he was healed. I am so thankful that he is already in the arms of Jesus, just waiting on his mommy and daddy. God answered our prayers for healing. I've struggled with bitterness over wanting him still here, but it's gotten better. I know he is in a much happier place, but my arms and heart still ache for him. They probably always will. The journey of a grieving mother/father is difficult and hard, but I'm thankful for the support that has held us up through our darkest days. 

We love and miss you Sawyer! I sure wish you were here to love on your baby sister, but I know you are watching over her while she is here on Earth. We tell her all about you and she just smiles. Have a celebration today with all of your friends up there. We are looking forward to the day we are reunited - it will be a wonderful day for sure!

We love you baby boy,
Love, mommy & daddy ❤️

We went to visit him today and take him some new toys. His others have gone missing (I'm going to call Monday to see what happened). We got him a new Ford truck (since we are a Ford vehicle family!) and Sully (from Monster's Inc). Rhory got Boo, also from Monsters Inc. We thought it was perfect because Sully is kind of Boo's protector. It's still hard not to think about how different today would be if he were here. 

Until next time,

Friday, November 7, 2014

Rhory Camille: Month Two!

Rhory's second month of life has been quite the adventure for her! 

She has:
-gone apple picking
-been to the zoo
-had her first Halloween
-had her baby dedication
-carved pumpkins
-been to several weddings
-celebrated her daddy's birthday
-went to Rockin' Ribville
-taken her brother his new arrangement

Obviously all of these things will never be remembered by her, but they are memories that Josh and I will have forever. Some are family traditions that we hope to continue year after year. We count every day with Rhory as a blessing and are so thankful she is here!

Rhory had her check-up today, which is why this post is a few days late. Doctor said she is just perfect, but of course we already knew that! She weighs 10 lbs, 2 oz and is 22.5 inches long. She had three shots and hated them all! Her cry was just so pitiful, but it didn't last long and she went right back to her happy self for the rest of the day! 

Last week was my first week back to work and it was quite the adjustment. Rhory and I both had to become accustomed to waking up at 5 AM to make sure we were ready to leave by 6:30-6:45 to make it to my mom's at 7 so I could nurse her and then be at school by 7:45 or no later than 8. WHEW! Our mornings are quite the beast, but I am so thankful for all of Josh's help getting things together. Since I am still breastfeeding we have to get the bottles of breast milk ready in the morning for my mom. I had no idea how much she would take the first day and I think we poured 5 oz down the drain - ack! It has gotten a lot better since then though. Rhory is also sleeping from about 9 PM - 5 AM solid, and occasionally goes to bed around 7 PM with a dream feed at 10 and then sleeps until 5. The fact that she is sleeping through the night is MAGICAL and makes for a much happier mommy throughout the day. I still hate leaving her, but I am positive she is in good hands with my mom!

She loves smiling and laughing, especially at her daddy. This girl has him totally wrapped around her finger! For the most part she is a happy, content baby. If it gets too close to bed time or nap time she gets fussy, but once she gets her beauty sleep she is much happier! 

I am so excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up! While I know they will be bittersweet, as are every other holidays, I know they will be much much better than last year. This year we will be doing RACK (Random Acts of Christmas Kindness) in memory of Sawyer, so look for that post in late November! 

Rhory is a true blessing and we are so thankful for her!


Sleeping pictures are the best!


Telling secrets :)

happy baby!

Rockin' Ribville in Downtown Lawrenceville

Picking out pumpkins for Oct 15 Wave of Light

Seriously the cutest

This is our Sawyer bear, and I imagine that if he were here she would be laughing just like this at her big brother!

October 15 Wave of Light!

Opening day of gun season!


Fall arrangement for Sawyer :)

Misty & Scott's wedding

Apple Festival

Apple Picking

(Almost) Naked Baby!

Kitty Love


Josh's birthday present!


Bonfire for Josh and Brett's birthday!

Excited about the zoo!

Boo at the Zoo!

After my first day back to work!

Morning cuddles!

Sara & Jay's rehearsal dinner!

loves her daddy!

Crazy Cat Lady & A Kitten (Halloween!)

HA! She was tired of trick or treating

My little kitten!

Sara & Jay's Wedding

Baby Dedication

My Mom told me to dress her warm for their walk...

Happy about Monday!