Sawyer Joshua: 18 Months

Crazy, right? It's been 18 months since our precious first born Sawyer made his entrance in to this world, and almost 18 months since he left this world. I try to imagine life with a 1-1/2 year old and a 2 month old but the truth is I just can't because I don't know what it would be like. I would be lying if I said I wasn't, at times, envious of those families with two littles running around because I so much want my life to look like that right now. 18 is so significant considering he spent only 18 days here on Earth. There are times when I can literally feel everything about certain moments while we were at Egleston from the first time I was able to see him to the phone call we got that we needed to come back. It's almost surreal that any of this has happened, but it has and the time since just keeps getting longer and longer. 

More and more frequently I am asked if Rhory is our first. I have never said "yes" and I never will, because that isn't the truth. I don't mind sharing about Sawyer, but I am reminded of how truly sad it is every time I tell someone. Their immediate reaction is apologizing for even asking because they think they have upset me. What happened sucks, but it is such a vital part of who we are today as individuals, a couple, and as parents. I ALWAYS love talking about Sawyer and being able to share what God has done and continues to do through that situation. 

This morning our pastor said a few things that really stuck out to me. One was about how people make a five year plan but they really have no idea what is going to happen five minutes from now. That is so true! I am such a planner and before last January (2013) when we got Sawyers diagnosis I thought I had the perfect plan. Life had changed and taken different paths before then, but when you have a child or are pregnant all future "plans" include them. Sitting here writing this today I can honestly still say that not having Sawyer here wasn't anything I thought about. Even after his diagnosis I didn't want to think about it. Losing him has made both Josh and I cherish every day with Rhory and so appreciative of each breath we have. I don't know where we will be in five years, and I don't think about it as much as I used to anymore.  I know where I want to be but I've also learned that what we want and Gods plans aren't always the same. 

That was the second thing that stuck out to me this morning. Our pastor was talking about prayer and that God has said when we pray He will answer. When we found out Sawyer was sick we prayed for healing. And in our minds that healing was going to be here on Earth. Much to our disappointment it wasn't, but in truth he was healed. I am so thankful that he is already in the arms of Jesus, just waiting on his mommy and daddy. God answered our prayers for healing. I've struggled with bitterness over wanting him still here, but it's gotten better. I know he is in a much happier place, but my arms and heart still ache for him. They probably always will. The journey of a grieving mother/father is difficult and hard, but I'm thankful for the support that has held us up through our darkest days. 

We love and miss you Sawyer! I sure wish you were here to love on your baby sister, but I know you are watching over her while she is here on Earth. We tell her all about you and she just smiles. Have a celebration today with all of your friends up there. We are looking forward to the day we are reunited - it will be a wonderful day for sure!

We love you baby boy,

Love, mommy & daddy ❤️

We went to visit him today and take him some new toys. His others have gone missing (I'm going to call Monday to see what happened). We got him a new Ford truck (since we are a Ford vehicle family!) and Sully (from Monster's Inc). Rhory got Boo, also from Monsters Inc. We thought it was perfect because Sully is kind of Boo's protector. It's still hard not to think about how different today would be if he were here. 

Until next time,

Ashlyn