It never ends...

I've been slacking on updating the blog and using it for what I really intended - to get my feelings out and "on paper". But here lately I've really been needing to write, and quite honestly I have just been putting it off because I thought the 'feeling' would just go away, but it hasn't.

We are well in to the month of April, which means we are that much closer to May. The month of May holds such a negative connotation for me, and many others. The month of May holds the day of my firstborn's birth but also his death. The month of May is holds 18 days of reminders of the battle we fought for him, starting at his first second of life outside the womb. The month of May just makes me sad and want to crawl in a hole to hide until it is over. But the reality is that it is never "over". Sure - May goes by and the actual month ends yet the cycle of grief continues and never ends, constantly changing and constantly surprising me.

I have cried every day the last week on the way to work and have told no one, well, until now. As May quickly approaches it becomes tougher and my emotional state quickly becomes less and less easily managed.

^I started that a week ago and I am just now at a place to finish it. The week before the heart walk was rough and I was reminded that grief never ends. It constantly changes. And, I am less aware of my triggers. "Team Sawyer" raised a great amount of money to be donated to two great organizations that are working towards finding better ways to treat CHD's. Not only was this past weekend the heart walk, but it was also my birthday! I have always loved birthdays. In fact I have scolded my mom about never throwing me a surprise party and she says "you always plan something first" and it's true. As my birthday comes and goes it now also serves as a reminder that Sawyer's birthday is literally just around the corner and I have 13 days to get it together and make it through. I don't want to say the rest of my life will be in the shadow of his death - but the reminders that he isn't here are always around.

Grief is a process that I don't have figured out, and that is okay. I don't have to have it all together all the time - a piece of my heart is and always will be missing.

-Ashlyn