walking with a blindfold

Have you ever had the feeling of apprehension when you know you HAVE to do something, but you don't really know how it is all going to turn out? Almost like when you play a game and have to be blind-folded all the way through (I always hated those games, by the way). This is the best way I can relate my feelings to something that others might have a way of understanding. We don't know what lies ahead in this journey, we just know we are nearing the end. I desperately wish we knew what God's plan was and we could be more prepared. Initially in the beginning I had a lot of questions, most of which were answered with, my favorite, "it depends". I find that as we get closer to the unknown my questions have come back and I am trying to find new ways to ask them even though I know what the answer will be, it hasn't changed over the last three months. There are new questions too - such as "will I deliver early" and "does all of this extra fluid that is increasing pose a risk". These are answered with "it's a possibility" and "not necessarily" - kind of a nice way of saying "it depends". I wish I could stop myself from asking these questions - but I can't. I probably will continue until after he is born, even if I know the answer will be "it depends", I feel better asking than not asking and running the risk of missing out on an "actual answer". 

This week was busy for several reasons! I had THREE doctors appointments AND my last day of work! I will go in order so it makes more sense. 

Tuesday - Dr. Pohl, NST appointment
Most of you probably remember that last week I had to stay connected to the NST machine for almost double the time because baby M wasn't moving as much as they wanted him to with the related increases in heart rates. With all of that being said, I went in to this appointment just expecting the same thing so I wouldn't freak myself out! Sure enough I was hooked up longer than the usual and baby M was "buzzed" a couple of times. He finally started moving around and having related heart rate increases for them to be satisfied! Dr. Pohl measured my fundal height (which was 40 cm at 33 weeks last week) and it was 42 CM - holy moly. This means that I am now measuring 8 weeks ahead... and Dr. Pohl said this explains my little trip to labor and delivery Saturday night because my uterus just thinks it is time to go and, in his words, "is going to start firing". My cervix is still closed but he said that doesn't mean I won't go in to pre-term labor, again. I got the impression that he thinks I won't make it to my induction date because he kept saying things like "if you make it that far". I was told just to call him anytime I felt a repeat of Saturday night so we could talk about it on the phone and decide if I need to come in - until then I was back to daily life!

Thursday - Last Day of Work
I am really going to miss all of the wonderful people that I work with at my company! I started Thursday with a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit from Martin's (thanks to one of my coworkers!) and then another coworker took me out to lunch. The Inside Sales department also surprised me with a plethora of yummy treats (including CHICK FIL A ice dreams!) and some of the ladies got me some gifts for baby M :) I was so thankful to feel appreciated, and my manager told me to call him if everything worked out to where I could come back to work! That will make you feel good about yourself :) I do hope that things work out to where I can go back to work, and they will be the first people I call to see if anything is available! 

Thursday - Dr V, Pediatric Cardiologist appointment
These appointments are probably the ones that give me the most anxiety beforehand. You never really know what they are or aren't going to find, and I would really just rather everything be fine. One of the good things about these appointments, though, is the office staff. They are SO nice and are always friendly when we come in to the office. Our ultrasound tech is Michelle and she did the scan as usual. I try not to really pay attention to the screen because I don't know what I am looking at or for so I don't want to make any presumptions or anything. Dr. V came in after Michelle and said that everything still looked the same! I was very thankful for this - even though we still don't know what will happen after birth we do know that things are staying the same while he is still cooking! He mentioned again the the dilation of the pulmonary arteries is pretty severe, one of the most severe he has seen, but that it didn't give an indication of how it would affect him after birth (remember when I said something about walking with a blind-fold?). Next time we see Dr. V will be after baby M makes his big arrival!

Friday - Maternal-Fetal Specialists, BPP appointment
I figured this BPP may be a repeat where baby M decided to not move around as much, and then start moving once the doctor came in so I kind of expected that to be the case. I definitely did not expect for them to tell me what they did! Every appointment starts with them measuring my blood pressure, my weight, and getting a urine sample. During this the nurse asks if I have any cramping, bleeding, etc. I told her about the trip Saturday night and that I was still having contractions and cramps even though it wasn't anything regular. I told her my fundal height from Tuesday and she acted surprised and asked if I had trouble breathing. Since I have extra fluid they have told me that if I have trouble breathing they can "drain" some of it off, but I have never been interested because it risks pre-term labor which I already have enough risks leading up to that! I do have trouble breathing but I can easily adjust myself to a new position or something to alleviate the pressure on my lungs, and that is what I told the nurse. When we went back for the scan, the ultrasound tech immediately said "wow, he looks really big". I wasn't due for another growth scan until next week because I had one two weeks ago (he measured 5 pounds 9 ounces, well in to the 90th percentile) but she decided to go ahead and re-measure. Guess what? He NOW measures 7 pounds 6 ounces - OH MY GOODNESS. I about had a heart attack. My amniotic fluid levels also increased from 28 to 33 this week. I asked if that was any concern and they said not necessarily but it could cause my water to break early... another hint that I might just not make it to 38 weeks. They also said that it could be due to the lung issue they spotted earlier and maybe now there is pressure on his trachea causing some difficulty in swallowing. This is all just an assumption on their parts and they said, yet again, "we won't really know until he gets here". 

He was holding the umbilical cord in front of his face!

Finally got him to move, look at those cheeks :)

 Where do we go from here? Well, we just keep waiting! Please pray that I make it just a few more weeks... we are literally ALMOST there! I have a baby shower tomorrow which I am very excited about and I am going to try to post a "review" post for any new followers we have so people can catch up and also so I can answer some FAQ's that I have been getting lately. Thank you all for following our journey and praying with/for us and our baby.

Love you all,
Ashlyn

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" Romans 8:18