St. Augustine 2013

   I posted a few weeks ago that we would be going on vacation with my parents to St. Augustine just as we have in years prior. I was unsure if I had even wanted to take this vacation because I knew it would bring with it a lot of heartache over the loss of Sawyer and that he wasn't able to be with us. When you are still learning how to function and deal with your emotions while avoiding places with families, specifically little boys, the beach is probably the LAST place you would want to go. Families, babies, memories all wrapped up in to one while you are suffering in your downfall of emotions. I chose to embrace the challenge head on because I knew it would just be harder in years to come if I tried to avoid it now. My parents, brother, grandparents, and I always go the same two weeks every year and there are many other families that go the same time as we do. This year we only went for a week, but thankfully it was at the same time as everyone else. My aunt, uncle, cousin, and her daughter were all able to come join us.
   I knew that the pain of missing Sawyer would intensify on this trip. It started out rough the morning we left because I wanted to go visit him and let him know I would be back in a week. For some people this may seem strange because the only thing buried is Sawyer's shell, but right now in my grief it is one of the ways I can cope. I know that Sawyer is in Heaven with Jesus and that sitting at his grave is just for me because he isn't there, but leaving for a week was very difficult. Luckily my aunt was watching my cats and stopped by on the days she was over at my house. My two cousins even took a book and read to him! Anyways, our trip always starts out by meeting at a Cracker Barrel after driving for a few hours. EVERYTHING reminded me of Sawyer. Cracker Barrel, the farmers market, arriving at the beach,unpacking, etc. You name it and I was thinking about my baby boy. How much more would we have packed? Would he have been asleep when we ate at Cracker Barrel? Would he have enjoyed the toys? (I avoided that section all together, especially the baby clothes. That is weird, by the way. Why does Cracker Barrel sell clothing?) Would he have enjoyed the beach? What would he think of the sand? The pool? The ocean? The list goes on, but that is a pretty good summary of how my mind was running in circles the whole time.

The trip was the same for the most part - we took our trips to our favorite restaurants, spent most of the days on the beach, and just enjoyed family time. On Friday night, our last night, we had made the decision to release balloons. I had my mind set on having between 50-60 balloons, not sure why but I wanted that number. We picked up a helium tank earlier in the week and at about 6PM I had Josh blow up the balloons. Around 6:15 he ran out of helium and only 30 balloons. I still wanted the 60 balloons and Josh willingly agreed to get another helium tank. The family was instructed to be at our room no later than 7 PM so we could release the balloons. Josh made it back JUST in time to finish blowing up the remainder of the balloons. I had 12 light blue balloons so we could spell out SAWYER JOSHUA, and I also had several white balloons so our families could write their own messages to Sawyer on the balloons. I also had some red that were labeled with "heart warrior" and some dark blue with no words. We divided them up and headed to the beach. Many thanks to Mallorie, Lucas and Loran for capturing these images for us.

 My favorite picture, EVER.

 

 Every year we do sand bottles. This year was no different. My brother and I did the annual brother-sister bottles and Lindsay wanted Emma to do a bottle for her, and we wanted to do one for Sawyer. This is something I will do EVERY year. Emma was such a helper and was only concerned about filling Sawyer's bottle instead of her own!

Overall the trip was really good. Relaxing and a time of reflection. I love talking about Sawyer and remembering all the moments I had with my sweet boy. I saw a quote one time that said something like "You aren't doing a mother a favor by not bringing up her little one, in fact it adds to her hurt because she thinks you have just forgot them". I loved it. Don't ever be afraid to talk to me about Sawyer, sometimes when you don't it makes me feel like you have just forgotten. I know people haven't but that is the way my mind works.

God has blessed me tremendously with friends and family to hold me up through this trial. I have been experiencing the five stages of grief, all at once. God has been beside me through it all. I started pre-planning Monday and while we went around introducing ourselves. It was a blessing to be surrounded by other Christian teachers and share the views and goals we have for ourselves and our students. There is one male teacher and it turns out he is also a grief counselor. He and his wife also lost their daughter a few years ago. Many of the teachers know my story because Josh's sister works at the school and they were all praying for us, but this teacher is new. I am CONSTANTLY blown away by the grace of God and how is always working things together. What a blessing to be working so closely with a grief counselor and also someone who has experienced our pain. We are planning a double date, which I am greatly looking forward too. 

Facebook. Facebook has been quite the emotional roller coaster lately. Many of my friends are to the age where they are having children, or their second children. My heart is so happy for them, but my heart is still very much raw and hurting from the loss of my own baby boy. I have decided to limit my time on Facebook and in fact I haven't gotten on at all in the past two days. I can already feel the difference it has made on my emotional state. I don't want anyone to EVER feel bad for posting pictures/updates or anything about their children. Children are a JOY, and I have always been encouraging you mothers to cherish all the moments so please keep doing so. I just have to remove myself from those types of social medias where I can tell it is affecting me emotionally. I know it will take time to heal, and that is okay. I know most people will also understand my decision to limit myself from Facebook.

As always I am so thankful for you all continuing to surround us in prayer. I know some days it is the only thing that is getting me through. School starts Monday and I have been pulling 12 hour days to get ready. I am working on a blog post to give you a tour of my classroom. It is adorable and I am proud of it! 

Love you all, 

Ashlyn