"There is a time to be thankful...

...and you don't have to be thankful at this time."

I got this text from a friend last night and I am grateful for her support through all of this. I am thankful for her, and many others, understanding of my hurting heart today.

While Thanksgiving is generally a time to be thankful I have found that excruciatingly painful this year. This is the first 'major' holiday without my baby and one when I am supposed to just give thanks for all that I have. But what about what I don't have? What about the fact that this is all I can focus on right now? 

I read this in a Naomi's Circle blog, and I found it to be very true. "When your guttural cry is, "What is there to be thankful for?" but you don't want to ask the question because some well-meaning acquaintance is going to start listing things that you know are blessings and that you "should" be thankful for, but face it - they aren't your baby." Everyone on the outside who hasn't experienced what I have experienced find it easy to just say "you have lots to be thankful for today." While this is true, it isn't what I want to be thankful for today.

It is hard for me to be thankful, and that is okay.

It is hard for me to be happy, and that is okay.  

It is hard for me to celebrate these holidays, and that is okay. 

I am fully aware of my blessings - my relationship with Christ, my husband, my family, my friendships, my job, my house.

But, with all that, there is still one thing missing. And it is the one thing I REALLY want to be thankful for. I want to be thankful that my baby is still here and will have a seat at our thanksgiving table. I want to be thankful for a baby in my arms. I want to be thankful that in a little over a week he would be turning 7 months old. I know that future holidays in years to come will be easier to handle but for now I just have to take it easy and do what I can. I have realized I can't get caught up in the thoughts that others may have of how I "should" or "should not" be feeling/acting. Whatever I can do, I do and if I can't, I just can't. Currently I am trying to do my best to get through the day as an emotional mess - which isn't going so great.

The same friend who sent me the text at the beginning of the blog encouraged me to write a letter to Sawyer, telling him the reasons why I am thankful for him. So, here goes.

Dear Sawyer,

I went to visit you yesterday. It was hard because the sting of the pain from it being six months since I last kisses your face was very present. I didn't stay long because I knew I would be coming by today, to tell you happy Thanksgiving. I told you how sad I was that you weren't here for the coming holidays and how I really just wish I could skip it all. A cool, strong breeze surrounded me and I knew it was you telling me to do the best I could because you don't like to see me sad. I want to tell you I am doing my best, but sometimes I just miss you too much to care about 'celebrating' or getting in the 'holiday spirit'. 

I'm sad you aren't here to celebrate your first thanksgiving. I'm sad it is your first, but also our first without you. I'm sad your seat is missing at the table. While I am very sad through this time, I am also very thankful for you. 

I am thankful that you are my son. 

I am thankful that I am your momma. 

I am thankful I was with you when you took your first breath, and your last. 

I am thankful for the 18 days we had together. 

I am thankful I heard you cry when you were born. 

I am thankful for the three times I held you in my arms. 

I am thankful you are a fighter and a heart warrior. 

I am thankful you taught me the true meaning of love. 

I am thankful for the memories.

I am thankful for your bright-eyes, always excited to see your dad and I. 

I am thankful for your ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes, especially when you grabbed my finger and held on tight. 

I am thankful for your cute-as-a-button nose.

I am thankful for your smile, the one I only captured once in a picture. 

I am thankful you taught me to cherish ALL the moments.

I am thankful you had my stubbornness, and your daddy's good looks.

I am thankful for your perfect body, and that you are now healed with Jesus. 

I am thankful for those that prayed for you and for us.

I am thankful for all of the people your life has touched, even though I am sure I don't know about most of them. 

I am thankful for your daddy, and his unconditional love for both of us. I know he misses you just as much as I do, but he has been a great support when I am completely falling apart. 

I am thankful for Christ, and the sacrifice He made and the healing I know He has given you. He has given me strength when I cannot go on, and redemption through His sacrifice for my sins. My relationship with Christ has been shaken through this, but He reminds me of His promises and the biggest promise of all - eternity with Him and you, my sweet baby. 

I am thankful for the students I teach, who you have an impact on every day.

I am thankful for my friends, the ones who have stood by my side and held me up. The ones who love you *almost* as much as I do. The ones who continue to check on me, and the ones who will continue to be there. 

I am thankful for your extended family. Your grandparents, great grandparents, great aunts and uncles, aunts and uncles, cousins, and so on. They love you and me very much and I know their heart is hurting this holiday season, too.

I am thankful you showed me how to be thankful today, even when I really don't want to be thankful. 

I am thankful for you, Sawyer. Thankful for the life you lived, and the legacy that continues on even though you are not here. I love you, I love you, I love you. I will always be thankful for you, and I will always love you. 

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. 

Love, 

Mommy

Sawyer is an integral part of all I do, every day. It is hard to live life without, while most others are living life with. 

For those momma's missing their babies, you are on my heart today. I am sorry this pain is so deep and so excruciating. I am sorry it is hard to be thankful. Know you aren't alone, and I am surrounding you with prayers not just today, but every day this upcoming holiday season. This road we travel isn't easy and I wish I could take all of our pain away. 

Although I find it hard to be thankful today, I know I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I just wish it was what I wanted to be thankful for. I truly am thankful for all of you reading this blog and your prayers and support since the beginning of this journey. It means much more than you will ever know and I will always be thankful, even if it hard sometimes.

Enjoy your families today, and cherish ALL the moments.

Love,
Ashlyn