Day 1 - Sunrise
Another day without my sweet baby boy, and another day
living through the pain. Finding renewed strength and hope through the promises
of my Heavenly Father!
Day 2 - Identity
Sawyer Joshua Murphy
May 9, 2013 @ 12:09 AM
8 pounds 21-3/4 inches.
Sawyer looks just like his daddy, and has the cutest little nose. His middle name is after the bible verse Joshua 1:9. We named him after the initial diagnosis and knew that we would be relying on The Lord a lot for our strength Sawyers's diagnosis. Sawyer's identity is not so much his physical body, but instead the legacy that his life left on us here on Earth. He encourages me to keep moving forward, teaches me to love with all I have, shows me how to cherish all the moments, and reminds me to draw near to The Lord in my times of darkness. His identity is now his story, a story I plan on sharing with everyone I come in contact with from now on.
May 9, 2013 @ 12:09 AM
8 pounds 21-3/4 inches.
Sawyer looks just like his daddy, and has the cutest little nose. His middle name is after the bible verse Joshua 1:9. We named him after the initial diagnosis and knew that we would be relying on The Lord a lot for our strength Sawyers's diagnosis. Sawyer's identity is not so much his physical body, but instead the legacy that his life left on us here on Earth. He encourages me to keep moving forward, teaches me to love with all I have, shows me how to cherish all the moments, and reminds me to draw near to The Lord in my times of darkness. His identity is now his story, a story I plan on sharing with everyone I come in contact with from now on.
Day 3 - Myth about Grief
"Time Heals All Wounds" is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. It may get "easier" with time, but this will be something I live with my whole life. If it takes me 2 years to get back to normal, that's okay. If it takes me 8 months, that's okay too. There is no limit, and those who try to rush it and put a limit on it aren't worth my time anyways.
Day 5 - Legacy
Sawyer was an inspiration to a lot of people. I think the biggest legacy he left behind was Josh and I. We are here to tell his story. His story of courage, strength, and love so that others may feel the love of Christ that we have felt through this whole experience. Sawyer is a warrior, and always will be; that is his legacy.
Day 6 - Ritual
It's not a ritual, but I try to visit Sawyer on those really hard days. I used to go more frequently, but have managed to not spend every other day out there in tears. God has given me a wonderful job and new house to fill my thoughts and keep my mind from going too far in to the sadness. I still visit him at least once a week, but I know that he is with me wherever I go, regardless of if I am sitting at his grave every day or not. One of the worst things about all of this is that I have to "visit" my baby and will never get to enjoy things here on Earth with him.
Day 6 - Memory
All I have are memories of Sawyer. Memories I hold on to, and memories I will cherish. This is one of my favorites, the first time I was able to hold my sweet baby because my aunt pulled some strings for us. Our first family picture and a memory that will last forever. Sawyer is perfect in every way and I love him so much. (Side note: I got day 5&6 mixed up, so just pretend I posted them on the right day).
Day 7 - You Now
I am a child of God. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a cousin. I am a friend. I am a teacher. I am a student. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I have come a long way in the process we call "grief". I know that my faith in Christ and utter dependence on Him has brought me out of some of my darkest times. I still have bad days, and when they come, they come on strong like a hurricane. I have found now I am realizing more and more the little things I will never do with Sawyer. On days like today my heart is saddened by the fact I will never play in the rain with my little boy. I have come to a place where Christ can work through me to be an encouragement to other families experiencing the same thing. Every day is different and I can't put a definition on where I am. I am still working through this. I am still working to live without. I am still working to share Sawyer's story and keep his name and memory alive. This is who I am now.
Day 8 - Color
Yellow always reminds me of Sawyer, probably because I love sunflowers. Yellow is bright and holds the promise that things are going to get better. All colors have a new meaning, before Sawyer I knew little of how to appreciate the colors of the world. I have learned how to soak in the beauty of God's creations and find new meaning in the little things. Yellow, to me, is a color of hope and promise and Christ's love that is completely representative of this journey I have been on.
Day 9 - Music
My "song" is "My Hope is in You". I can't help but sing loud when it comes on the radio and I find myself often reciting the lyrics throughout the day. I was also able to speak on Sunday to the congregation before we sang this song and tell them why this song meant so much to me. In the beginning, when Sawyer passed away all of my hope disappeared. God has shown me that my hope is in Him and He is not done writing my story yet! If you haven't heard this song - check it out!
Day 10 Beliefs
I know that Sawyer is with Jesus, resting in His arms until his mommy and daddy come to be with him!
The top two pictures are from a story my sweet friend posted about her encounter at a dog park. As you read you will see that she too is facing the loss of a child - according to the doctors diagnosis. She called me and told me this story after she saw this man and I know this experience happened for both her and I to hear!
The bottom picture is a sketch someone drew me. Their dad always told them he imagined that Heaven would be like riding on a giraffe with a pet lion and hanging out with Jesus. With my love of giraffes she had to share - and drew Sawyer on the giraffe. So special!
I find comfort in the fact that Jesus is taking care of my baby while we are apart!
Day 11 - Emotional Triggers
Everyone is saying they are excited for October, but something about the change of seasons and quickly approaching holidays just doesn't get me excited. I don't have a list of emotional triggers because most things catch me off guard. I guess you could say those sappy commercials, pregnancy announcements, and the occasional sibling picture can trigger my emotions, but it isn't an every time thing. Every time I think about Christmas and Thanksgiving, though, I get emotional. Sawyer should be here. It should be his first Thanksgiving and Christmas but instead we have to learn how to celebrate and embrace these holidays through our sadness.
Day 12 - Article
"How to Help a Friend Survive the First Year after Pregnancy or Infant Loss" - Still Standing Magazine
This article is great - especially for people who just don't know what to do and don't realize how long this process of grief may be for a mother who has lost their child. A lot of other great articles in this magazine as well.
Day 13 - Book
"I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith was one of the first books I read cover to cover after Sawyer passed away. A friend who had lost her baby earlier this year mailed it to me and Angie's words brought a sense of hope that no one else had been able to give. She helped me focus my attention back on The Lord through this tragedy and helped me understand that grieving is okay, but joy is also possible. I have since given another copy of this book away to another friend facing the tragic loss of their baby.
Day 14 - Family
This is my family, and it always will be. Regardless of the fact that Sawyer isn't here to celebrate holidays or take vacations or just be here, he will ALWAYS be a part of our family. His little brothers and sisters will know his name and his story.
Day 15 - Wave of Light
I have been trying to post my pictures for 30 minutes but my phone has been blowing up with people and their pumpkin pictures. I am overwhelmed by your love for my son, my family, and all others who have lost their babies too soon. I miss Sawyer more and more and I can't wait to see him again!
Day 16 - Seasons
"What do the seasons mean to you now? What season was your baby born in, conceived in, passed away in?" Sawyer was conceived in the fall, born in the spring and passed away in the spring. The seasons are a reminder that, as much as I hate it, time is still moving forward. What brings me comfort? The fact that my God stays the same through the ages and His love never changes.
Day 17 - Time
It has been 143 days since we said "see you later" to Sawyer. 4 months and 20 days. 12,355,200 seconds 205,920 minutes 3432 hours (not exact, but close). I don't think it is a coincidence that it has been 143 days and that 143 is the common symbol for "I Love You" and that I decided to do the Capture Your Grief challenge so it would be brought to my attention. I'll take it as a message from my sweet boy - that he knows I love him and that he loves me too. Thankful that The Lord has written my story and that this was the page for today. Thankful for the little things. It has been 143 days, that feel both long and short at the same time.
Day 18 - Release
"What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief?"
The biggest thing I have struggled with are the "what-ifs" and how I wish they would go away. It started when we found out about his heart condition, I asked the doctors if there was something I could have done differently to have changed this. They assured me that there was nothing I did or didn't do that resulted in this, and that heart defects are the most common being 1 in 100 of every birth. Once Sawyer was here I was constantly questioning the decisions we made but after we lost him the what-ifs hit hard. "What if I told the doctors this?" "What if his surgery was sooner?" "What if his surgery was later?" I have finally made it to a point where I know this was God's plan and nothing, NOTHING was my fault or something I caused. I am choosing to trust God's plan, and that despite doing everything the right way and what I was supposed to do while pregnant and after he was born, there is a purpose for Sawyer's heart defect and passing. Those feelings of what-if and guilt, though, are something that all mothers who lose a child go through. This is an ultrasound I love, Sawyer knew his mommy needed a thumbs up and a reminder that he was okay. He has entered the arms of Jesus and he is made new in every way.
Day 19 - Support
I can name the people that have REALLY been there for us through all of this, and I am thankful for them. They are the ones in which our relationship hasn't changed and they do not treat me any differently. They have loved me and continue to love me through losing Sawyer. The best part? They love him a whole bunch too. I have also found new support through this, and I am thankful for those new friends as well. I would easily consider those people family, regardless of if we are related or not. My family and Josh's family have also been HUGE supports to us as well. Thankful that God has placed these people in my life at this time to let His love show through them here on Earth.
Day 20 - Hope
My hopes are for more children, a house full of them. My hope is for healing. My hope is for my life to shine the love of Christ so bright for others. My hope is in Christ and the promises He has given me for my life. My hope is that I can use this experience to touch others and spread the word of Christ to all who cross my path.
My hope for others who join the babyloss community is that through the pain and grief they can see the love and support and hope of Christ. I hope that God allows me to touch other people and connect with them in the wake of their grief.
Day 21 - Honor
The biggest thing I have done so far to honor Sawyer and his memory is by creating my blog and sharing his story. His story, through the blog, has touched more people than I will ever know. I plan on continuing to honor him and his story as the days and months progress, and I am working on being more involved with those who have suffered the same loss. I couldn't imagine going through this alone, and I am hoping I can be the source of encouragement and reminder of hope for others.
Day 22 - Words
Went to visit my sweet boy today and I am always reminded that God is in the middle of all that I am going through. This is my favorite verse, and the verse we named Sawyer after.
Joshua 1:9 - "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go"
Day 23 - Tattoos/Jewelry
Bottom Right - Tattoos The foot tattoo is his exact footprint. My wrist tattoo is a way for others to see his name and me to share his story. My shoulder tattoo is representative of his heart defect (made up of five defects) and his birthday. The Sawyer necklace - these are his beads of courage from Gwinnett Medical. He has some from Egleston too, but these represent every stick, test, etc done in the twelve hours at Gwinnett. The "mommy of an angel" bracelet is from a friend I met through losing Sawyer. She lost her son, too. The wrap bracelet has the verse Joshua 1:9 on it and is from a sweet friend I met through a wonderful group of ladies. The last necklace is one I received from my aunt before Josh and I were married. Another sweet friend sent me the Sawyer charm and it matched perfectly! I wear it every day
Day 24 - Artwork
First piece of artwork I made after Sawyer passed away. Painting has become quite therapeutic and I am happy to have this hanging on the memory wall!
Day 25 - Say It Out Loud
If I could say anything out loud about my journey - these would be a few.
1. I am still a mom. Just because my baby isn't here doesn't make me any less of a mom. I am fighting to keep his memory alive.
2. I would rather you say his name, than act like you have already forgotten. So many people seem afraid to even mention Sawyers name to me, something I don't understand. Mentioning him doesn't make me sad, it reminds me you remember and you still care.
3. Don't make me feel like I should be over this. This is something that really irks me when people make statements like "I am glad you are getting past this" or "I can tell you aren't as sad". The truth? I am a heck of a lot better at hiding it than ANYONE realizes it. Put yourself in my shoes sometimes, and if you hear someone saying I should be over it by now give them one good throat punch for me.
4. Sawyer has forever changed my life. I am not the same person I was a year ago and I will never be the same. This is something I am perfectly okay with because I know my sweet boy has made me such a better person.
Day 26 - Community
I never thought I would join the community of people who have lost a baby, but here I am. I am so thankful for their support during this incredibly trying and emotional time. They understand in a way most people cannot. My support group, Rock Goodbye Angel, has been the biggest blessing and I am so thankful for all the ladies I have connected when even though the circumstances under which we met are some I wish never happened.
Day 27 - Signs
I don't think I get "signs" from Sawyer, but I do think that sunflowers and giraffes/giraffe print show up in my life when I need a reminder that my baby is in the arms of Jesus and is happy and healthy.
Day 28 - Special Place
I could sit out in the memorial gardens where Sawyer is buried for hours. It is quiet and peaceful. I spend time talking to him and God, all while surrounded by the beauty of this Earth. I don't visit as often as I used to and I have come to finally accept that. Sawyer wouldn't want me to spend all my time out there, because that is just where his body is and I know he is in my heart with me wherever I go!
Day 29 - Healing
Jesus Christ - the strength I have continued to find through my relationship with Christ has continued to amaze me. Through losing Sawyer I thought my life would fall apart, but He held me together. He has walked along side me in this healing process and never left my side, not once.
Teaching - these students are a blessing to my heart EVERY DAY. They continue to make me smile and remind me life is good.
My husband - what a rock he has been. This could have torn us apart, but it didn't. It brought us closer, and I honestly think we could conquer the world together. He continues to make me smile and laugh, despite the pain we BOTH feel.
Not pictured - family and friends who have stood by us throughout everything. They have all been a huge part of the healing process. I am so thankful for the ones who stepped up to support us throughout our darkest times.
The healing process isn't over, or anywhere close to being over. I am thankful, however, for the progress I have made. The Lord continues to amaze me by revealing parts of His plan for my life EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am blown away by His love and it just makes me so excited!
Day 30 - Growth
"Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?"
I have definitely grown as a person, in more ways than one but definitely spiritually and emotionally. I am not the same anymore and I never will be. I have found that I cherish every little moment and treasure my relationship with Christ and with the people He has brought in to my life. I am so thankful for the people He has surrounded with me, and I am more aware of the impact they have on my life. I do believe that both Sawyer and I have a purpose much greater than this world. I am sharing his story to tell people about the love of my Heavenly Father and His strength through these devastating months. Sawyer continues to touch people and I blessed to be his mommy and tell his story, over and over again. I can see God working through me and it is exciting and a healing to my heart. He makes His presence known in my life and reveals His purpose for my life more and more everyday.
Day 31 - Sunset
This isn't the sunset from tonight or from my current location, but it doesn't matter. It's beautiful and captures the truth that, even though the sun may set every night, it returns the next morning just as beautiful as ever. A sweet reminder of God's love and touch on every area of our lives.
I thoroughly enjoyed participating in this, and I think I really even learned some things about myself through the process of posting the pictures. I have learned that it hasn't gotten easier and I don't know when it will, but I am thankful for those surrounding me with their love.
Today is Sawyer's 6 month birthday. I am sad he isn't here to be making this milestone, but I am celebrating regardless. I made a sunflower cake tonight and took him his new arrangement. I am trying to keep busy and stay somewhat distracted so the sadness doesn't completely overtake me. I also decided to take cupcakes to the NICU nurses that cared for him 6 months ago the night he was born. I am eternally grateful to them and the care they gave him! The best part is the cupcakes have animal print cupcake liners, even giraffe print!
Today is Sawyer's 6 month birthday. I am sad he isn't here to be making this milestone, but I am celebrating regardless. I made a sunflower cake tonight and took him his new arrangement. I am trying to keep busy and stay somewhat distracted so the sadness doesn't completely overtake me. I also decided to take cupcakes to the NICU nurses that cared for him 6 months ago the night he was born. I am eternally grateful to them and the care they gave him! The best part is the cupcakes have animal print cupcake liners, even giraffe print!
First of all, thank you so much for all you do!
Six months ago on May 9, you all took great care of my son, Sawyer, after he was born and the 12 hours he spent in the NICU before being transported to Egleston. Sawyer had a congenital heart defect, and after many open heart surgeries went to be with Jesus on May 27.
We love and miss him very much, and will be forever grateful for you and the care you gave our sweet Sawyer.
Today he would have been six months old and I decided to make you all some cupcakes in his memory and to show my appreciation.
Thank you!
Love,
Sawyers Mommy
(Ashlyn Murphy)
6 acorns for 6 months
Happy 6 month birthday sweet boy, mommy loves and misses you a whole lot!
Until next time,
Ashlyn
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