The biggest part of my survival through these 'firsts' holidays have been my friends and family. They continually remind me of the strength (of which I sometimes don't even see) I have been displaying through these months. I know I owe much of my strength to Christ because the truth is I wouldn't be where I am today without His love and strength to hold me up when I have felt at my weakest.
I woke up Christmas morning not really knowing what to expect. I didn't know how I was going to feel, or really how I should feel about the day. The truth of the matter is - there are no guidelines on grief and I have to work through it on my own. I can't be afraid of what people may think or how others might do it because in all reality until someone has walked in my shoes, they have NO idea. I think through the holidays and trying to focus my energy on getting through, I have actually come out of some rut I was stuck in.
I only cried a few times on Christmas, which is much better than I was expecting. I really thought I would be a hot mess all day. I teared up reading through the RACK emails, cried when I woke up, and cried about halfway through our Christmas run-around. I realized that no matter how sad I was and no matter how much my heart longed to have Sawyer with us, Christmas was just not going to be what I had planned for last Christmas. I chose to spend time with family and be thankful for my large, close-knit family.
Here are a few pictures from the day for you to enjoy (and also for me to have as a part of the blog book I will print at the end of the year!).
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| Our tree (and some of my favorite ornaments) |
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| Sawyer's stocking is the monkey riding the giraffe, I love it! |
Our day started with the RACK cards!
Josh and I were blown away by the participation in this and really want to make it an annual event every Christmas! It will be so special to be able to share in this with our future children :)
Here is a video where I read some of the RACK's and I am working on the final RACK post that includes all of the RACK's!
Christmas Morning RACK Video!
We continued our day by spending time with family, the thing I love the most about Christmas. We just wish all of our family was with us.
I received a lot of gifts this year that revolved around Sawyer. I love them all, and this one really touched my heart. My cousin asked me for a profile picture of Sawyer, and this is what I opened on Christmas Eve at my grandmothers house!
We also made these ornaments for our family. We had a mold of Sawyer's foot made the night he passed away and I had this idea while trying to think of something special for our families.
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| Over 50 cards (and each had more than one RACK!) |
Here is a video where I read some of the RACK's and I am working on the final RACK post that includes all of the RACK's!
Christmas Morning RACK Video!
We continued our day by spending time with family, the thing I love the most about Christmas. We just wish all of our family was with us.
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| Snuggles with Luke |
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| Mimi and Emma reading to Sawyer Bear :) |
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| Annual cousin picture, where no one looks the right way! |
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| Ended the night with Sawyer. |
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| I love this picture :) |
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| Sawyer's Aunt Dana got him a present! |
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| Love this book :) |
I received a lot of gifts this year that revolved around Sawyer. I love them all, and this one really touched my heart. My cousin asked me for a profile picture of Sawyer, and this is what I opened on Christmas Eve at my grandmothers house!
We also made these ornaments for our family. We had a mold of Sawyer's foot made the night he passed away and I had this idea while trying to think of something special for our families.
To finish off our Christmas, here is a picture of our family. It isn't the picture I wanted to take this Christmas, but this is my family this Christmas. I am thankful for my friends and family who walked along side Josh and I through the days leading up to Christmas. I wish Sawyer was here physically, but I know he lives on through Josh and I in our daily lives.
Until next time,
Ashlyn
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