I have, however, been doing okay. As we get ready to participate in all of the family gatherings that are a tradition, I know I will have my share of tears, and that is okay. I have a wonderful family who will support us and cry with us. There isn't a member of our family who doesn't miss Sawyer through these holidays.
I look back over the last few weeks and thank God for allowing me to bless and be blessed. Through my church I was able to plan a dinner and child sponsorship for Christmas gifts. I met with the moms before giving them the gifts our church family had purchased to try and give them some ray of hope. Until this year, I never realized that people could hurt this bad through the holidays. I told these moms we know they are hurting, but so does God. Just as He has never left my side, He hasn't left theirs either. I know everyone involved with this dinner and child sponsorship left that night with a full heart and a reminder God is good!
I have also done my fair share of "Random Acts of Christmas Kindness". I'm always nervous walking up to random people, but I never leave feeling as if I have made a mistake. I leave with a smile on my face, as do they, and a full heart. I can't wait to share what people have done and what I was able to do with you. I really think God, no I KNOW that God used this as a way to bring me some joy through these extremely tiring, emotionally draining, and just painful days.
I have also been reminded that Sawyer has not been forgotten. I see him everywhere in everything, but the way others have reached out through these holidays is a blessing to my heart. I have received gifts from people because they reminded them of Sawyer and it gets me every time!
This time of year has always been exciting for me. I have never had anything to rock my world, until now. Everyone is excited about who is getting what and making their Christmas lists. Unfortunately the one thing I want this a Christmas is something I can't have. Another unfortunate thing - this is the case for a lot more people than you may be aware of right now. My support group met last night and I was just reminded that I am not alone in this pain through he holidays. I wish I was. I wish no one else had to experience this, but they do. I hate the circumstances under which I have met these ladies, but I am oh so thankful for them.
One of them said something to me last night that really helped me through the struggle of "how to survive Christmas" (there is no handbook, trust me I have looked). Her words spoke so much truth. When Jesus was born, he was born in a manger in a dirty stinky barn with animals. When we were born, most of us were welcome in to a nice clean hospital. This was not the case for our Savior, the One who came to save us all. Mary and Joseph couldn't even get a room at a hotel. Through His birth in a dirty barn, His life of a perfect example for us, and His death of being beaten and nailed to a cross, we are given the reassurance of eternal life. Through His birth and His death, I have the comfort that Sawyer was welcomed to Heaven with open arms and that I, too, will be reunited with my Savior and my baby again. Thank you God for sending your son, to a dirty barn and to die on a cross, to save me from my sins and so that both my son and I will have eternal life with You!
"Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many" Matthew 28:20
As you go throughout your day, remember those who are hurting for a numerous amount of reasons. If you are hurting today, know you aren't alone. Your life may not be perfect right now, but through Christ's birth, and death, there is a perfect eternity waiting for you! If nothing else, thank God for the birth of the Savior who came to save us all - the real meaning of this Christmas season. Through my tears, I will be thankful.
Until next time,
Ashlyn
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