Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Pregnancy After Loss

I haven't written much lately, and it is because I really don't know where to begin. My emotions are in overdrive, and in a completely new way now. I have kept most of it to myself for fear of being judged or misunderstood because the truth is that most people who haven't experienced what we are going through just don't get it. 

I never believed that getting pregnant and having another child would make me feel better, in certain ways it has added to my grief. I do know, however, that Josh and I desperately want a family and we couldn't live in our grief for years on end. Our grief will never truly be over and if we waited for it to end we would never have any more children. Grief changes with time, but it never disappears. A piece of my heart will always be with Sawyer, missing him every day. I saw a quote once that said "I will stop talking about my child who passed away, when you stop talking about your living children." I find this quote to hold so much truth. I sometimes feel that people wonder when I will stop talking about Sawyer. The answer is that I won't. He is just as much my child whether he is in my arms or not and that will never go away. My grief has transformed through this pregnancy. I miss the things I won't be doing with Sawyer and his future siblings. I wish I was buying a double stroller, or wondering how I was going to take care of two children. Instead I am wondering how to keep Sawyer's memory alive for his future brothers and sisters so they always know about him. He will always be a part of our family.

Since announcing our pregnancy I have been asked a few questions that I really want to address here, so hopefully you will all understand.

1. Was Sawyer's condition genetic, or could it happen again?

Not that it matters, but no it was not genetic. This was determined early on in my pregnancy with Sawyer by testing they did at the specialists. His heart condition was just one of those REALLY rare occurrences that could happen to anyone, it just happened to us. Technically, it could happen again, but we stand the same chance as every other person. We have been praying since day one, and even before then that this baby will be healthy with no health issues.

2. Do you want a boy or a girl?

We don't have a preference, except for a healthy baby. Honestly I can't say one way or the other because I really just want a baby to come home with us.

3. Have you been sick? I hear that means it is a healthy baby!

Please don't say this to me. I was incredibly sick with Sawyer, and he wasn't healthy. So, when I hear this, it does not comfort me at all. I am very sick, but I am thankful. Thankful God has blessed us again, and thankful for his love and mercy through this last year of our lives.


I am going to try and blog through this pregnancy, just as I did with Sawyer. I am currently seeing the doctor every two weeks and will continue to do so. Our "official" due date is September 11, 2014. We are finding out the gender, but most likely will be keeping the name a secret. I know how much you all love that! 

I am still trying to become comfortable in my own skin. I still can't go in the baby section at a store. I feel weird going to baby showers. When I see a little boy about Sawyer's age, my heart aches. I know some of these things will go away, but that last feeling won't. His one year birthday is approaching faster than I ever wanted it to but I am trying to quickly solidify the plans I have to celebrate and remember. We would love if you could all be a part, as well. I will share more details once we make the final decision on what exactly we want to do. 

Thank you for loving us through losing Sawyer. Thank you for loving us through the announcement of our next pregnancy. Thank you for surrounding us with your prayers of comfort and peace, God has heard and He has answered. I used to sing the song "Blessed Be Your Name" with no real understanding of the lyrics that say "You give and take away, but blessed be your name". Through losing Sawyer my heart was bitter at times. I didn't want to thank God for anything because I couldn't thank Him for the one thing I really wanted. I have since been shown His grace and mercy that He is good and His plan is far greater than any I could conjure up. God does give, but He also takes away - something Josh and I have experienced in the last year in a way I wish no one else would have to experience. God has given us another blessing, one that will be just as special as the first.

Stay tuned for our plans to celebrate Sawyers first birthday!

Until next time,
Ashlyn

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