Father's Day 2014

Here we go, again.

Another 'holiday' without our baby where it seems the focus is on all we have lost. 

I know we have a different perspective of these types of holidays, but that doesn't make them hurt any less. I know a lot of people think that once Rhory is here we will all just feel better and be able to move on  - if that is you I suggest you change your way of thinking. Rhory in no way is a 'replacement' of Sawyer and while she will bring us her own joy and happiness, there will always be a piece of our hearts missing for Sawyer. Those of you who think it will 'just get easier' when Rhory gets here should stop saying that to us because the truth is that it won't get easier, it will just be different. It breaks my heart to think our first "brother/sister" picture will be when we take Rhory to visit her brother's grave. If someone would like to tell me how they think that makes things easier/better, go ahead. It is easy for people who have never been in our shoes to make judgments, offer advice, or give opinions - but the reality is until someone has walked in our shoes they can't begin to imagine what we go through on a daily basis, and I wouldn't expect them to understand, I just wish people were more sympathetic at times. 

Father's Day last year was incredibly difficult because it was so close after we had lost Sawyer and we were both still very raw in our emotions. This year is still difficult, and weird. I have anxiety about this holiday for Josh - I know that sounds weird, but I will explain. I blog and blog and blog about my emotions and wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to Sawyer, but men just aren't the same. Josh has been my stronghold through this last year and I think that at times his emotions and hurt are ignored by others, but not intentionally. I think it just easier for people to reach out and say something to me because I just lay it all out there, all the time. I think, no I know, that at times his emotional rawness is just as bad as mine - he just doesn't talk to a lot of people about it. Mother's Day this year was rough but a lot of my friends made a point to tell me Happy Mother's Day, and I was very appreciative because I am a mother, even if Sawyer isn't here. My anxiety for Josh and Father's Day comes from the fact that guys are just weird and not very emotional. I want him to feel appreciated and recognized as a father because he IS a father and a dang good one at that, even if Sawyer isn't here physically and Rhory isn't quite here yet. I worry that no one will remind him he is a father, not that he has forgotten, but remind him that everyone else knows he is a good father, too. I worry he will get overlooked on a day like today.

I realized yesterday, though, that none of those petty things matter. It doesn't matter how many people text him, facebook message him, etc., because he is a father regardless of other people's acknowledgement or lack thereof. All that matters is that he and I spend time together, celebrating him and the great father he has been, is, and always will be. I tried to read my post from last year, but I hardly made it through it. I love Josh with all my heart and I am so thankful for his love and support and friendship and everything else! My heart is so sad to spend another Father's Day without our son here and as yet another reminder of those memories we won't ever get to make with Sawyer. I know that just as I struggle with the "Am I a mother?" question, Josh has the same about the "Am I a father?" It's a hard thought to wrap my mind around because I know we are, we just don't 'look' like those fathers and mothers around us do. Josh won't be celebrating this Father's Day with Sawyer in his arms, but I sure do know Sawyer is in his heart. Happy Father's Day, Josh - I am so thankful for you and the husband and father you have been over the last year. I know Sawyer loves you very much, and Rhory will love you just the same. Our family is blessed to have a such a godly father and husband leading us and providing for us. I love you and I am so thankful for the father you are to our children! 

 

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful dad, Keven, and my father-in-law, David. I am thankful for the influence you have both had in Josh and I's lives over the last year. Your prayers, encouragement and support have meant more than you will ever know. Dad, I am so thankful for the values you instilled in me while I was growing up and the fact that you prepared me for the 'real world'. It is a good thing we are the only 'normal' ones out there! David, thank you for raising a son that has turned in to a wonderful, godly father himself. I am blessed to have found a wonderful husband who was raised by the same values as I and that he continues to do everything he can to provide for our family. 

Today I am also thankful for the love of my Heavenly Father. Mother Theresa once said "When you have nothing left but God, you have more than enough to start over again." The last year has brought us to our knees with grief, but God has never left our side. I am continually thankful for the 18 days we had with Sawyer, the new blessing of Rhory, and His continual hand of protection/guidance/love in our lives. God's plans are never a surprise to Him and He has put together magnificent plans for our lives that we could not even begin to imagine. I am thankful for the sacrifice of His son because without that we would not have the promise of eternal life with Him, reunited with all our other brothers and sisters in Christ we have lost this side of Heaven. I have often struggled with wondering if Sawyer's life was complete, but I know it was. His life was fulfilled and lived out just as God designed. We may not see all of that unfold here on Earth, but I believe that God is going to show us the complete and beautiful impact Sawyer had on this Earth, even in ways we could not see at the time. God has continued to reveal bits and pieces of His plans for the rest of our lives - and we are blessed, broken but blessed.

I said this last year, and I feel the same this year:

"Happy Father's Day to you, fathers. Be a Godly influence in your home and teach your children the love of God and show them that love through your actions. Love your wife the way God loves us, it will be the way your children treat other people. You are one of the main influences in your children's lives - teach them how to love and be loved. Be silly, be serious, be encouraging, be everything for your children and cherish those precious moments!"

I know today isn't easy for a lot of people - those who have lost their fathers and those who have lost their children. Know you aren't forgotten today, and you are in our prayers.

 Love,
Ashlyn