days go by...

   Tonight was one of those nights where I just felt like writing. I have posted so many "sad" (as I call them) posts that I felt like a more positive one (for the most part) was in order. These past few weeks have really been an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Between all of our appointments and uncertainties it has been a struggle to relax, but I wanted to make it a point to just lay low this weekend and do some fun things! We spent most of Saturday just lying around on the couch doing absolutely nothing, and then we headed out to my mom's surprise birthday dinner. Here is the catch - it was her birthday and she was surprising US with where we were going... I didn't complain though because we all were able to go to the Melting Pot! I had been CRAVING this for the past two or three months and Josh would never take me (more for financial reasons) so I was very thankful to go and enjoy everything on my plate :) Sunday was my mom's actual birthday so we went to church and took her out to Frontera afterwards - where they sang to her and gave her a funny hat to wear, so entertaining. Then we just hung out with them for the remainder of the day and picked out some paint for the nursery! Josh and I painted a sample Sunday night and we are happy with the color - so hopefully most of the painting will get done this weekend! It was nice to relax and just enjoy time with Josh especially with all that has been going on. I have also taught myself how to crochet and am making baby Murphy his own blanket from me – SUPER excited about this and can’t wait to show everyone the end result!

   This week we have two more appointments coming up - one with Dr. V, the pediatric cardiologist, and then immediately following that I have an appointment with my regular OB for a routine check-up and my gestational diabetes test. I am not worried about not passing, but some extra prayers that I do pass would be appreciated. I am hoping that our appointment with Dr. V will clear up some still lingering confusion from our appointments last week, and I will say the days leading up to our next appointments feel so long and drug out. I am such an impatient person, so that is something I am really trying to work on. Just being patient and knowing that we will get more answers at our next appointment and that a lot of the answers won't come until after baby Murphy is born. 

    Josh and I are so thankful for all of the people praying for us - even those that we don't know. I know a lot of people are probably wondering how I am doing as of lately... and I don't think I have a clear answer. Most days are hit or miss, it all just depends on the moment and it all comes in waves. I try to be as positive as possible but it is so much harder than it seems. This pregnancy was "normal" up until the 20-week appointment and now it is so overwhelming and terrifying that I can't even keep my thoughts focused. There isn't a book written on how to handle this - if you know of one, send it my way - and it's all a learn as you go experience. I asked my mom the other day, "What do I even pack for the hospital?" As silly as it seems - I have NO idea. Sure, I will need the normal things, but what "extras" will I need? We won't even know how long we will be there until, well, we are there. I am having to deal with the fear and anxiety of having a baby in addition to these new fears with the new diagnosis.

   My life has been turned upside down and I have had no option but to rely on my faith in Jesus Christ. I regret to say that before all of this my walk with the Lord was anything but impressive, and something that was a struggle. Throughout this I have become closer to the Lord and trusting in His promises for our lives. " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11. While I cannot see the plan God has through all of this - He already knows and I have to trust in the plan He has. Several people have mentioned to me that they are praying for a miracle - but I am not. Many of you may ask why - and I am going to explain. I am praying for God's provision, protection, and for His plan to be fulfilled in mine, Josh's, and baby Murphy's life. If that is a complete healing, then that's it His plan, but if His plan is that baby Murphy will need surgery sooner than later - I am trusting in that as well. Don't mistake this for me not being upset and emotional and frustrated at times - because I still very much am all of these. But I am desperately working towards relying on God and trusting Him because my heart and my relationship with Him knows that there is a light at the end of this tunnel and He has designed my whole entire life, before I was even thought of, and He is doing the same for baby Murphy.

   Words cannot express my gratitude towards our friends and family that have reached out to us during this time – we are so, so appreciative for your words of encouragement and prayers for our family. I have appreciated all the calls/ texts/ messages – they all come at just the right time. Please continue to pray for us throughout the next few weeks with more upcoming appointments and I will update with each one. We will never have an absolute answer, but I am praying that more clarity comes with each appointment.

Love to you all,

Ashlyn