twilight zone

"How Have You Been Feeling?"

This is/has been the most popular question the past few days - and I wish I had an answer. The truth is, I just dont know. I'm not ready to talk about everything with anyone really, but writing this blog is a way I can get my feelings out, and I can stop writing if it ever upsets me too much. I try and explain how I feel as being in the twilight zone - but what does that really mean? I feel numb, confused, stressed, sad, worried, nervous, scared.... etc. But, I am also still very happy, excited, overjoyed, thrilled, etc. that we have this wonderful baby boy on the way! Please don't get me wrong - Josh and I are trusting the Lord throughout this whole process because we know that this was HIS plan before we even knew we were pregnant, and really way before then! With that being said, I am still human and still have feelings that my human nature bring on, I am trying to learn how to balance everything. I don't think me saying "I am just trusting God" would be the complete truth. I am trusting Him, but I also have the same fears and worries all the same.

I also feel very blessed. Blessed by the number of people who have read this blog. Blessed by the number of people who are praying over our family and this baby. Blessed that the Lord has chosen Josh and I to be baby Murphy's parents. Blessed that my family is a wonderful support system. Blessed by the new found friendships I have formed through this new found diagnosis. Blessed for my wonderful husband - seriously, you all don't even know how wonderful he has been throughout the whole entire pregnancy. 

Forgive me if over the next few days ,weeks, months (I don't really know) if I seem stand-offish or maybe a little less like myself. I am still trying to wrap my mind around everything and I think as my due date becomes closer all of these emotions with strengthen. Right now I am focusing on making sure me and the baby are healthy, getting prepared for what all baby Murphy will need once he is here and enjoying this pregnancy. God is watching over us no doubt, and He will always, ALWAYS provide for us.

What's Next?

I realize my last post didn't really give you an update on what is coming next and not too many details of what the actual diagnosis is. I'll start with the diagnosis.

Tetralogy of Fallot with Absent Pulmonary Valve syndrome is a very rare complex heart defect that affects many areas of the heart and he will require open heart surgery soon after birth. I won't lie the words "open heart surgery" SCARES me to death. It breaks my heart that my little baby boy will have to have such a big surgery right after birth - but I trust all of the doctors and know he is in good hands with them and with the Lord. God will be right by his side and Josh and I's throughout everything. It also makes me sad that he will be whisked away shortly after birth to get everything taken care of and check on his heart. I want to be able to have that "TV/Movie" delivery - you know, where you have the baby and then you just hold them forever and all of your friends and family come visit? It won't be like that - and I still need to adjust to that, and I will, but right now it hurts to even think about.  

Now on to the next steps:

At our appointment with Maternal-Fetal we had the amniocentesis done and results take 2-4 weeks to come back. They want to make sure there are no genetic issues along with the heart issue. Not something I am stressing about too much, but I definitely don't like the waiting game. We have our next appointment in four weeks, but as they get different results in they will call me. They called today to say the first round of tests were negative! We were expecting this but it was nice to hear!

We also have another appointment with Dr. Pohl - the OB - and Dr. V - the pediatric cardiologist. These are both on the same day. My appointment with Dr. Pohl consists of the glucose test - prayers appreciated that I do not have gestational diabetes! 

Another call we are waiting on is from the surgeon at Egleston. They want to set up a time to meet, discuss the surgery, and do a tour of the hospital. Still a little overwhelming, so I am glad they haven't called quite yet. Honestly - what first time mother wants to tour a hospital where there, currently, unborn son, will be having open heart surgery? Not my first choice of things to do. On the other hand I am very grateful they will be doing this for us, it will make it slightly easier... sort of. I am also going to meet with the Neonatologist at Gwinnett Medical. My aunt Deedy works with him and said he is willing to sit down and discuss everything that will be happening at Gwinnett and answer any questions I may have. She has also been a HUGE help through this 'twilight' phase. She is a NICU nurse at Gwinnett so she has been able to offer some insight and encouragement.

Thank you all again for prayers. Please do not hesitate to share this blog with your friends on Facebook – I firmly believe in the power of prayer. Sorry for the long posts two days in a row – my mind is just spinning in circles at the moment and it helps me to write/type.

This has always been my favorite verse, and it rings true now more than ever.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6