staying strong

Today was rough, and I know over the next few weeks I will have many more ups and downs with everything - I am just working on getting through these downs without having a complete emotional breakdown. Anyone who knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve and hiding my emotions is extremely difficult. I still can't even put in to words how I feel about everything but every day is very different. Just last week I got a call that they could see us the next day (Tuesday, the 8th) and I immediately took it. After work I came home trying to sort through all that they could tell me. I didn't know what to expect, and I hardly slept that night at all between worrying and wondering.I tried not to go in initially thinking that nothing was wrong, but how do you go in expecting things to be wrong? Our first appointment was so vague that I didn't even have half a clue as to what it could even be at all. I don't think the fact that there was something wrong and all that it entailed really sunk in until we were in the elevator getting ready to head home. All day I had been walking in this haze, unaware of what was going on around me and unaware of what the doctors were actually telling me.

I am such a planner and want everything to be laid out in front of me so I know what to expect. Its almost like I think it will make it easier - but in reality, it doesn't. Sometimes it makes it harder - like knowing that I won't be able to hold my precious baby immediately after delivering him. Regardless there are still several unknowns and things that I really have NO control over and that is so hard for me.  I hope over the next few weeks we will get more answers that will clear things up for us, and some that will put us at ease.

I know God is in control, and I know His plans are bigger than anything I can imagine. I am praying that in some way this trial we are facing will be something I can use to help someone in the future who might face something similar. Whatever the outcome is or where this takes us, He is watching over us. My strength is nothing of my own, it is all from God. I know I can't do this on my own, I already feel like this is all just too much. I am thankful for my family and friends that have been supporting us thus far, and I know they will continue to do so throughout this entire journey. Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." My strength (what little I have right now, I don't think I am as strong as people think I am) comes from the Lord. I am taking baby steps to go one day at a time. 

I am not sure if my nesting has kicked in or if I am trying to keep my mind of off everything - but my house is starting to actually look clean! It was hard for me to have the energy to do anything in the early stages because I was so tired and so sick, but Josh helped out a lot. I am so thankful and blessed that he is my husband. He has been the real strong one through all of this and the one keeping me grounded when I feel like I might just lose it all. Thankful that God brought us together almost five years ago!

Here is a specific prayer request:
 Egleston called me today to set up our consultation/tour. We went ahead and scheduled this for next Wednesday. I am hoping that this will put my mind at ease slightly, but I don't really know what to expect. Please pray that we will be able to get a lot of our questions answered and have some peace about the surgery. We will be meeting with the actual surgeon that will perform the surgery on Baby Murphy, and getting more details on when the surgery will happen and the recovery process.

Also, we ordered the nursery furniture and some bedding! I am hoping this makes the next few weeks go by quickly while we wait for our next three doctors appointments to roll around on January 31 and February 7. I am trying not to be too stressed out about everything, but it is still so new and still so scary. I asked someone else who is going through the somewhat of the same thing if it is normal to cry every day. Whether it is or not - I do. I am not sure how often I will update the blog - at least after every appointment we have, and maybe in between when I feel like writing will really help me. I never thought starting a blog would be so therapeutic, but it helps so I plan on continuing. Thank you all again for your prayers, love and support. They mean more to us than I can express.

Ashlyn