"Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die: It happens again every single morning"
Anna Quindlen
I guess I thought by now it would be easier, but it isn't. I still get up every morning with the dreadful reminder of what my life is, and what I never wanted it to be. I still feel like most people think I am probably okay by now and that the initial shock has worn off, but it hasn't. The only thing that has changed is the fact that I have become VERY good at acting happy. It keeps interactions with others shorter and allows me to keep it to myself. When others ask how I am I used to try to respond as accurate as possible. There are only so many times you can say "not that great" and the other person say "oh, sorry to hear that" and watch them walk away. My automated response has become "uh, I am doing okay" to most people, but I do have close friends that break through that lie and get to the truth. Some days really are 'better' than others, but I wouldn't count them as 'good' days. I don't even know what the word 'better' means. Teaching has brought a joy to my heart that is much needed and gives me an escape. When I am at school I am so focused on teaching the students and getting things together for them that my mind rarely escapes to those places of utter darkness. The students are also a HUGE blessing to my heart, and especially on the days I have spent my entire drive to school in tears. I am thankful that the Lord opened this door for me, and the fact that everything has been going so well.
Someone asked me the other day if I was staying busy, which is kind of a loaded question. I like to stay busy to keep my mind off of the loneliness, but I can tell you that being 'too busy' is just has painful as having nothing to do. The other day I left school at 5 (I usually leave around 4) and I cried the whole way home with the realization that if Sawyer was here I would have been late to pick him up. It is all a double edge sword - if I am not busy enough I think about all the things I should be doing with Sawyer, and if I am too busy I think about what I wouldn't have time for if Sawyer was here. With all that being said I am still pretty busy. I am teaching school and I am also getting my Master's all at the same time. I also have some surprising news for everyone! Josh and I have purchased our first home and are moving next weekend! Packing, teaching, and studying has definitely kept me busy.
Moving in to our new home is yet another bittersweet event in our lives. We are so excited to own our home and move in to a place to make new memories, but Sawyer should be here with us to experience it all. I made my mom and Josh promise to replicate the nursery in the new house. One of my initial thoughts after Sawyer passed away was to stay in our current house (we rent) and use the nursery for the next child we have. We realized that the housing market is on the way back up so we made the decision to buy now. Even though we are moving in to the new house, I want the nursery set up the same as it is and we plan on using it, just like we had set up for Sawyer, for our next child (boy or girl). I desperately wish Sawyer was here in the next chapter we are getting ready to begin, and I know I will wish that for every chapter for the rest of my life. I am happy but sad, excited but miserable and I wish it was all different. I know most people wish it was different for us, too. In order to move we have to pack up the nursery, something I am not looking forward to but one of my closest friends has offered to come help. I know it will come with a lot of tears, and that is okay. My mom offered to pack it for me but even though I know it will be sad, I would regret not doing it myself. For some reason I like to do things like that so I can relive my memories and cherish the moments I did have with my sweet Sawyer.
I am still working on the idea I have for October 15, and I will keep you all posted as soon as I have the final idea. Many people have expressed their interest in showing their support for our family and doing something in honor/memory of Sawyer - for that I am so grateful. Thank you for loving us through the most difficult time in our lives. For those of you who have stood by our side, prayed for us, and just continued to love us - we appreciate you more than you know. I have said it before, but you really do find out who your friends are especially in the midst of a devastating time like this. I am thankful for the promises God has promised to us, and that even when I don't feel like holding on, He holds on for me.
Until next time,
Ashlyn
Someone asked me the other day if I was staying busy, which is kind of a loaded question. I like to stay busy to keep my mind off of the loneliness, but I can tell you that being 'too busy' is just has painful as having nothing to do. The other day I left school at 5 (I usually leave around 4) and I cried the whole way home with the realization that if Sawyer was here I would have been late to pick him up. It is all a double edge sword - if I am not busy enough I think about all the things I should be doing with Sawyer, and if I am too busy I think about what I wouldn't have time for if Sawyer was here. With all that being said I am still pretty busy. I am teaching school and I am also getting my Master's all at the same time. I also have some surprising news for everyone! Josh and I have purchased our first home and are moving next weekend! Packing, teaching, and studying has definitely kept me busy.
Moving in to our new home is yet another bittersweet event in our lives. We are so excited to own our home and move in to a place to make new memories, but Sawyer should be here with us to experience it all. I made my mom and Josh promise to replicate the nursery in the new house. One of my initial thoughts after Sawyer passed away was to stay in our current house (we rent) and use the nursery for the next child we have. We realized that the housing market is on the way back up so we made the decision to buy now. Even though we are moving in to the new house, I want the nursery set up the same as it is and we plan on using it, just like we had set up for Sawyer, for our next child (boy or girl). I desperately wish Sawyer was here in the next chapter we are getting ready to begin, and I know I will wish that for every chapter for the rest of my life. I am happy but sad, excited but miserable and I wish it was all different. I know most people wish it was different for us, too. In order to move we have to pack up the nursery, something I am not looking forward to but one of my closest friends has offered to come help. I know it will come with a lot of tears, and that is okay. My mom offered to pack it for me but even though I know it will be sad, I would regret not doing it myself. For some reason I like to do things like that so I can relive my memories and cherish the moments I did have with my sweet Sawyer.
I am still working on the idea I have for October 15, and I will keep you all posted as soon as I have the final idea. Many people have expressed their interest in showing their support for our family and doing something in honor/memory of Sawyer - for that I am so grateful. Thank you for loving us through the most difficult time in our lives. For those of you who have stood by our side, prayed for us, and just continued to love us - we appreciate you more than you know. I have said it before, but you really do find out who your friends are especially in the midst of a devastating time like this. I am thankful for the promises God has promised to us, and that even when I don't feel like holding on, He holds on for me.
Until next time,
Ashlyn
Wow, Ashlyn-- Thanks for writing. The details of our stories are different, but I could have written much of this myself. I soooo identify with you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. Praying for you today!
~Heather Wilson