I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time, now. I didn't necessarily used to be like this. I have tried starting a blog in the past and to be honest I thought my life wasn't interesting enough to where anyone would really want to read it. Now I wish it wasn't interesting enough for over 500 people to read every post I write. I am thankful for my followers but at the same time I wish I didn't have followers. I wish I was living the life I thought I would be living one year ago, and not the life I am living today. I wish that God's plan for my life was vastly different than the road I am traveling but I know that His plan is greater than I could ever imagine. I just have to trust that His plan for all of this and the rest of Josh and I's life will be better than this hurt we experience now.
I have learned a lot over this past year. I have learned:
To cherish every moment, because you never know when memories of those moments will be all you have.
That people will judge you no matter what you are going through in your life, including grieving the loss of your son (I know this shocks people, but it is true).
Forgiveness and second chances to restore broken friendships and relationships because no one is promised tomorrow.
To praise God for sending His son as a sacrifice for the sins in my life so that I will one day live in eternity with Him (and my sweet baby).
To be thankful for the clothes on my back, the roof over my head, and the food on my table - some things that many people live without.
Patience for God's timing, and to cling to His promises in my times of weakness.
That people are insensitive and to just let it go, they haven't ever walked in my shoes and I pray they never will.
NOTHING ever goes how we planned, but ALWAYS the way God has planned.
Live life and grieve in my own way, and forget about what other people think about my grief process.
Be thankful for the people God has surrounded me with during this trial.
That I never really knew what a "life disaster" or "living hell" was and wish I never had discovered the true meaning of those words.
I have learned a lot over this past year. I have learned:
To cherish every moment, because you never know when memories of those moments will be all you have.
That people will judge you no matter what you are going through in your life, including grieving the loss of your son (I know this shocks people, but it is true).
Forgiveness and second chances to restore broken friendships and relationships because no one is promised tomorrow.
To praise God for sending His son as a sacrifice for the sins in my life so that I will one day live in eternity with Him (and my sweet baby).
To be thankful for the clothes on my back, the roof over my head, and the food on my table - some things that many people live without.
Patience for God's timing, and to cling to His promises in my times of weakness.
That people are insensitive and to just let it go, they haven't ever walked in my shoes and I pray they never will.
NOTHING ever goes how we planned, but ALWAYS the way God has planned.
Live life and grieve in my own way, and forget about what other people think about my grief process.
Be thankful for the people God has surrounded me with during this trial.
That I never really knew what a "life disaster" or "living hell" was and wish I never had discovered the true meaning of those words.
It all started here one year ago. I started learning these lessons one year ago, and I learn something else every single day.
One year ago today we found out we were pregnant with Sawyer.
One whole year.
365 days.
52 weeks.
12 months.
I said "it all starts here" because this is where this bitter sweet journey began for Josh and I. This is where it starts with the "one year ago" memories. This is where our family started.
One year ago was a Wednesday. One year ago we had just returned from a camping trip with our friends. One year ago we announced our pregnancy to our parents. One year ago, life changed forever - something we thought we knew, but now realize we never really knew God's plans for our lives. Let me tell the story from the beginning.
We took a Labor Day camping trip with our friends and on the way home stopped out the outlet mall. The whole trip I had a sneaky suspicion that I may have been pregnant but all the tests were negative. When we stopped by the outlet mall we went to Carter's and I HAD to buy the pink outfit saying "Grandma thinks I am purfect" with cats on the shirt just "IN CASE" I was pregnant. I had to make sure that I was prepared to announce it to our parents if we were pregnant! We headed home and I took a test the next morning but it too was negative. I called my GYN and she said "wait a week and take another test, if it is still negative then call back."
She just told the most impatient person to wait a week... WAIT A WEEK. Do you think I waited a week? I sure didn't. I waited until the next morning. And guess what? That test was clear as day positive. I couldn't believe it. I showed Josh the test and said "Hey, what does that say?". He tried to act all nonchalant and say "uh, I don't know, it's early I can't read it". We had a brief moment of freaking out, but then I thought... I HAVE GOT TO TELL MY PARENTS- BUT WHAT IF THEY KILL ME?! The excitement, fear, and other crazy emotions were running in high gear - if you have ever been pregnant I am sure you can understand. Luckily it was Wednesday, so I just shot my mom a quick text asking to meet them for dinner before church. We usually met for dinner so I was positive she wouldn't suspect anything. I packed the onsie in a gift bag and went off to work, where I proceeded to freak out all day. Dinner finally rolled around, and I toted the gift bag in the restaurant acting like I had picked up something for my mom at the store. She opened it, paused for a minute and saying "Are you pregnant?" followed by my oh-so-humorous dad saying "You do know how that happens, right?". HA. We headed to church and then went to tell Josh's parents. I think I remember his mom screaming with excitement when she opened the bag. All of the grandparents were SO excited. (We obviously jumped the gun on the pink onsie, right?!).
I remember how excited I was that my life had changed forever.
I remember how I had secretly hoped the baby was a girl, hence the pink outfit.
I remember wondering how I was going to keep it a secret at least for a few days.
I remember dreaming of ideas for the nursery,
I remember being excited about growing our family.
I remember wondering what people were going to say since we had only been married 5 months, and now realizing it never really mattered anyway.
I remember wondering what people were going to say since we had only been married 5 months, and now realizing it never really mattered anyway.
I remember.
I remember and I wish I was remembering with a baby in my arms.
I remember and I don't ever want to forget.
I remember and I don't ever want to forget.
Here I am one year later, surrounded by grief and bitter sweet memories of what I was excited for in the future. One year later waking up crying because I thought I would be waking up to the cries of a baby today, not my tears. One year later wishing this last year had taken a completely different turn. One year later experiencing a loss that I pray I never see anyone else go through, but know that I unfortunately will. One year later looking for joy and seeking happiness, something I thought I would have forever. One year later loving and longing for a baby that I won't ever see or hold again this side of Heaven. One year later realizing that I really didn't know what a living hell was, and wishing I had never experienced one.
I don't wish this last year had not happened, but I do wish it had turned out differently. I don't wish it never happened because that would mean I would not have a beautiful baby boy that is unfortunately not here, but one that I loved for the 18 days he was here and will love forever. I never knew how differently my life would be changed when I found out I was pregnant one year ago. I knew a baby would change my life forever, but I didn't know that my story would twist and turn the way it has. I have a lot more posts for this next year, shocking I know. But I want to relish in every memory I have. Every last one. My pregnancy is a lot of the time I had with Sawyer, much longer than the time he was here after he was born.
I don't wish this last year had not happened, but I do wish it had turned out differently. I don't wish it never happened because that would mean I would not have a beautiful baby boy that is unfortunately not here, but one that I loved for the 18 days he was here and will love forever. I never knew how differently my life would be changed when I found out I was pregnant one year ago. I knew a baby would change my life forever, but I didn't know that my story would twist and turn the way it has. I have a lot more posts for this next year, shocking I know. But I want to relish in every memory I have. Every last one. My pregnancy is a lot of the time I had with Sawyer, much longer than the time he was here after he was born.
This last year has been a realization that we have no control. God has a perfect plan for our lives, and He is the ONLY one who knows the future and next pages of our book. The next chapter of my book would have been raising a baby, not what life is like after you bury your baby. The next chapter of my book would have been full of joyful experiences, not heart-wrenching grief experiences.
Today I choose to thank God for the beautiful baby He blessed me with, even if only for 18 days here on Earth. I choose to praise Him in this storm. I also choose to embrace my grief. I choose to run to the One who understands it all. I don't have to be strong, He is my strength. I don't have to fight back the tears, He catches them all in His hands. God loves me despite how broken and torn and bitter I may be today. God loves me through the pain. tears, and sometimes uncontrollable sadness. He loves me.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in your heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in your heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
There are many more days to come. Many more days I want to remember and days I have no choice but to remember. October 6, October 13, October 30 December 4, January 3, January 8, February 7, February 11, February 14, the list goes on. They may not have any significance to any one but me, and that is okay.
Until next time,
Ashlyn
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