My hope is in You, Lord

This week has been one that brought some restoration of hope, something I had lost throughout everything that has happened with Sawyer. I had lost all hope that anything would get better, and that I would be stuck in this hole of despair forever. I knew this wasn't true but it was something my head led me to believe. I think it is safe to say that most, if not all, mothers who lost a child feel this way for at least some length of time. When you get married and then pregnant, you have hopes for the future. Hopes that your children will grow up to love Jesus more than life itself and hopes that they will make all of your dreams come true. The dreams of their first Christmas, first day of kindergarten, last day of high school and everything in between. When we lost Sawyer all of my hopes and dreams were destroyed and replaced with the harsh reality they would never happen because Sawyer was no longer with us. I struggled with this for some time. How do I learn to hope for anything when my biggest hope, the dreams for my child, would never come true?

Then I heard this song, and I have been singing it ever since:

"My hope is in You, Lord

All the day long I won't be shaken by drought or storm

A peace that passes understanding is my song

And I sing, my hope is in You, Lord

I will wait on You

You are my refuge

I will wait on You 

You are my refuge"

I have realized that I cannot rely on things of this Earth because unfortunately they are inconsistent and ever changing, but my God is not. I know that it was completely out of my control that the Lord took Sawyer much before we ever wished but it was a part of His plan long before Josh and I had even met. I think about where I am in life and I am in constant awe of how the Lord has orchestrated even the tiniest of details to get me to where I am today. I probably won't ever understand why I lost my son this side of Heaven, but I do know that the Lord is planning something much greater for my life than I could have ever imagined. It is because of His sacrifice that I will spend eternity with Him and that I will see my baby again. Without my faith and belief in my one and only Savior I would be at a complete loss of how to even handle myself. I have to place my hope in the plans the Lord has for me, not the plans I would rather have for myself. It is a hard reality to grasp that there is a light at the end of this tunnel because it seems so dark. I have never doubted the Lord but I have been confused as to how all of this will work together for my good. Something I have learned? God intended for me to continue to tell Sawyer's story to bring glory to His name, and that is exactly what I plan on doing.

This week I have realized that even though I desperately wish that Sawyer was here, the Lord rescued my sweet sick baby and took him home to be completely healed where he will praise the Lord for eternity. I would much rather Sawyer be here in my arms, but Sawyer was terribly sick. After 18 days of suffering through his heart defect and the 5 days after the surgery, the Lord took him and completely restored him with a new heart. If I can't take care of my baby here on Earth I can be thankful that the Lord who hung the stars and the moon is holding him tonight! I still cry every day, and I think that is okay. I am completely human and I miss my baby. I don't think God would expect anything different. It is through His promises and love that I get out of bed every morning and make it through the day. The promise that I don't have to be strong - He will be strong for me: "The Lord is my strength and my defense; He has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise Him, my Father's God and I will exalt Him." (Exodus 15:2). The promise that I can run to Him when I have reached the end of my rope: "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7). 

Sawyer's four month birthday was Monday. I posted this on my Facebook page:

"Happy four month birthday, Sawyer! Every day I miss you more and more. I know you wouldn't want mommy and daddy to be sad all the time, but sometimes it's just so hard. I would have much rather woken up this morning and been able to kiss your face and tell you how special you are to us. I had big dreams for you and our family and it hurts to be here without you. Daddy does a good job trying to make mommy feel better when she is sad and she has lots of good friends. Your story is continuing to touch people more than I will probably ever know. I desperately wish we had more time with you, but I am also cherishing the times we had and the days I was able to hold you. I hope you love your new flowers - I'm sure you would have loved the Georgia Bulldog football games as much as your daddy and mommy do. I love you to the moon and back. I can't wait to see you again!

Love you always,

Mommy "

Monday night was also the first night I went to a support group. What a blessing to my heart to be surrounded by women who get it, and understand every emotion I have in a way most people can't. I am so saddened by the fact that I had to meet them this way, but just another way the Lord is orchestrating our lives before we were even thought in to existence by those here on Earth. I have also connected with another mother who is experiencing some of the same uncertainties and fears that I was during pregnancy. I know God has crossed our paths for a reason as well.

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I would love to get everyone involved in something to honor Sawyer's story and memory. I will keep you all posted on the ideas and see who all is interested in participating. 

Thank you for continuing to pray and share Sawyer's story. I love you all, and the Lord has surely placed you in my life to be part of the story. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." God isn't finished and He is still writing our story! 

Until next time,

Ashlyn