"I don't think I have ever NOT looked forward to Halloween, until this year."
This was a text I sent the other day when the realization that Halloween is this week came to the forefront of my mind. I haven't ever really looked forward to Halloween either, but I literally cringe at the thought of this Thursday. I made the decision yesterday to stay off any social media sites on Halloween, and probably the day after, too. It really is too much to handle. I won't forget last Halloween. I was pregnant with Sawyer, sitting in my parents living room, discussing costume options with my cousin. Discussing costume ideas that would never become a reality, for Sawyer at least. To most people Halloween is just another holiday, no big deal. They dress their kids up, take some pictures, and walk them around to different houses until either the parents or the kids get tired. Some will complain it is on a school night, some will complain because their child won't make up their mind about what costume they want to where, and some will complain about how many trick-or-treaters they have come to their house. I would trade anything to walk Sawyer to 50 houses, 100 even. I wish I could change my mind one thousand times about his costume. I wish, I wish, I always wish everything was different.
Last year we went after-Christmas returning/shopping with some friends. We were at the Belk in Snellville and we spotted the most adorable giraffe costume. I think it was 7$, and was the perfect size for Sawyer to wear this Halloween. Sawyer's auntie Hensley bought it for him because we all just couldn't stand how cute we knew he would look in it, something we still have to use our imagination for today. Here is the oh-so-popular costume:
I don't find it any coincidence that in the window behind me there is the word, wishes. This costume holds more wishes than I thought I would ever have for my life. If you look closely you can see my 'barely-there' baby bump. This was also about a week before our lives changed forever and we received the diagnosis of Sawyer's heart condition.
This Halloween should look differently than it will. Every year it has been a tradition to go over to my parents, eat Chili, and pass out candy to the trick-or-treaters. This year we should be having them over for chili, you know- in our new house. Then we should be taking Sawyer around to the houses for his first Halloween experience. But, instead, my parents, Josh, and myself are heading out to a movie. I will be "that" new neighbor who turns their lights off and doesn't pass out candy. Surprisingly, I don't care. I want to be the farthest place away from Halloween, costumes, candy, trick-or-treaters and anything else that reminds me of all that I will be missing out on this year. I have started to notice that it doesn't matter what store I go to, whatever I need always requires me to either walk past the baby section or the Halloween section. It is inevitable, and I always try to find away around, which usually puts me right in the middle of it.
Over the past days, weeks, and months I have surrounded myself with people who help me remember and who remind me they will never forget my precious baby boy. It has reached the point where people don't remember the 27th, until I post something on Facebook or Instagram. (For anyone who gets tired of me posting about Sawyer and my journey through my grief process just do us both a favor and delete me.) My heart will continue to ache on these days, I know over time I wont spend so much time reflecting on how different life should be on those days but for now it is still so fresh. Yesterday was a rough day all around. I try to prepare emotionally, but the truth is I never can. But through my grief and sadness, the Lord does continue to show me joy - even yesterday.
I am not sure how much I have shared about the people we met at Egleston or through this journey we had during the pregnancy with Sawyer, but there is one family very near and dear to my heart. I met Lacy through someone I used to go to church with and when I posted my first blog, she realized she should connect me with Lacy. Lacy was pregnant with Josiah at the time (in January) and he had been diagnosed with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome). HLHS is the different from what Sawyer had, but it was the same in that they both would need open heart surgery. During Josiah's first few months of life, he had a rocky start. He was born at the end of January, and when I had Sawyer in May he was back at Egleston and had been placed on the heart transplant list. Lacy and Anthony spent countless days sitting and talking with us, and Lacy and I really connected through email, Facebook and text before Sawyer was here. Since Josiah was born first, she was able to give me an idea of what to expect if Sawyer was to come to Egleston sooner than later (something I knew would happen long before he was born, momma's instinct I guess). Once we arrived, this family become our family. We cried, laughed, and did most things together while in the hospital. Josiah was actually in a room close to where Sawyer's bedspace was, and Lacy and Anthony were able to say hello and meet Sawyer. The night Sawyer passed away, Lacy was the first person we saw, and the first person who we told as we walked out of his room on our way to meet with our parents. Their friendship has meant more to us than they will ever know. Through our loss of Sawyer, Josiah continued to fight and he fought hard! He has had his second open heart surgery and is growing like a weed. Lo and behold, when we left lunch yesterday we ran in to this precious family. I know it was God reminding me that He is STILL good, and that miracles are continuing to happen all around me.
Another special part of yesterday was the Remembrance Ceremony that was put on by Gwinnett Medical. A lot of the women who attend my support group and it was just so nice to be able to share and remember our babies with one another and other sweet mom's. My parents were at our church fall festival but Josh's parents and my aunt Deedy (who is also a NICU nurse) were able to be there! We wrote notes on butterflies and released balloons. Here are some pictures:
Over the past days, weeks, and months I have surrounded myself with people who help me remember and who remind me they will never forget my precious baby boy. It has reached the point where people don't remember the 27th, until I post something on Facebook or Instagram. (For anyone who gets tired of me posting about Sawyer and my journey through my grief process just do us both a favor and delete me.) My heart will continue to ache on these days, I know over time I wont spend so much time reflecting on how different life should be on those days but for now it is still so fresh. Yesterday was a rough day all around. I try to prepare emotionally, but the truth is I never can. But through my grief and sadness, the Lord does continue to show me joy - even yesterday.
I am not sure how much I have shared about the people we met at Egleston or through this journey we had during the pregnancy with Sawyer, but there is one family very near and dear to my heart. I met Lacy through someone I used to go to church with and when I posted my first blog, she realized she should connect me with Lacy. Lacy was pregnant with Josiah at the time (in January) and he had been diagnosed with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome). HLHS is the different from what Sawyer had, but it was the same in that they both would need open heart surgery. During Josiah's first few months of life, he had a rocky start. He was born at the end of January, and when I had Sawyer in May he was back at Egleston and had been placed on the heart transplant list. Lacy and Anthony spent countless days sitting and talking with us, and Lacy and I really connected through email, Facebook and text before Sawyer was here. Since Josiah was born first, she was able to give me an idea of what to expect if Sawyer was to come to Egleston sooner than later (something I knew would happen long before he was born, momma's instinct I guess). Once we arrived, this family become our family. We cried, laughed, and did most things together while in the hospital. Josiah was actually in a room close to where Sawyer's bedspace was, and Lacy and Anthony were able to say hello and meet Sawyer. The night Sawyer passed away, Lacy was the first person we saw, and the first person who we told as we walked out of his room on our way to meet with our parents. Their friendship has meant more to us than they will ever know. Through our loss of Sawyer, Josiah continued to fight and he fought hard! He has had his second open heart surgery and is growing like a weed. Lo and behold, when we left lunch yesterday we ran in to this precious family. I know it was God reminding me that He is STILL good, and that miracles are continuing to happen all around me.
Throughout this journey I have been made more and more aware of the way God is working in my life DAILY, it is unbelievable. I am more aware of how things have worked together and can see distinctly parts of His plan for my life. I don't know all of the purposes for Sawyer's life, but slowly I am becoming more aware of a few. I have been able to minister to other hurting families that, like us, have said goodbye to their precious babies too soon. I have also been able to share the way that God has been working in my life, and share the love He has for not only me, but all of us as His children. I still cry at little reminders and on certain days, but I know He is working on healing my broken heart. This pain will never go away, but I am certain that it will become easier to manage. The day I am reunited with my Savior and my sweet boy will be a glorious day indeed!
Until next time,
Ashlyn
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