On the other side

The past week has been quite the up and down and all around. I try to keep up with my blog the best I can to capture those "big" moments, but also the ones I don't want to forget. Recently I saw a post that said "I never thought I would find myself on the other side of 'that will never happen to me' ". I feel the exact same way. I have always been that person to hear the terrible stories and think "that could never happen to me", and until now I have to be honest and say that I legitimately wanted to believe it wouldn't. Yet, here I am. Here I am on the other side. Every day is still a struggle, but with God on my side and a wonderful support system here on earth I am making it through. I know a lot of people probably think I shouldn't be so sad anymore or doing a little bit better. I am doing better, but this sadness will probably last a lifetime, only getting easier to control. I sometimes feel I take 4 steps forward and get knocked back 10. Satan is constantly working to move his way in between the relationship I have with God. Thankfully I have been able to stand strong in my faith and relationship with Christ despite the clear attempts to steer me away. Instead of letting these things take me over I choose to find joy in Christ and His provisions throughout this dark time. I love Building 429's song - "we won't be shaken"! It is true. My faith will not be shaken, and satan needs to take a seat and leave me alone!

I have lots to share since the last time I have posted. There will be a separate post for all of the pumpkins from October 15. So many people participated and for that I am so thankful - can't wait to share all the pictures!

First things first, we have hung up the NEW memory wall in our new house!

 Here is the new house the day of closing!

New memory wall, absolutely IN LOVE.

As we get more things hung up and put away I will post more pictures! The first week of October we had a fundraiser at school to raise money for our Art/Drama Department. Each day had a theme and the students LOVED dressing up! I decided I should get in on the fun. Here is a picture from each day!

Mustache Monday!

Top hat, Tiara, & Tie Tuesday

Wig Wednesday!

Throwback Thursday (to the Western days!)

Best day of the week - Favorite Friday!

So, of course, I dressed up like a giraffe.

The kids were ECSTATIC :)

I have to share with you what a blessing Trinity has been to me over the course of the last few months and also in relation to dealing with the loss of Sawyer. Many of the students lit candles for the Wave of Light. I was able to share my story with the students and my third graders have not forgotten one bit. They remind me of Sawyer DAILY and I never even have to say a word. On Wednesday October 9 it was his 5 month birthday. They remembered and one student broke out in song with "Happy Birthday" and before I could stop him the WHOLE class was singing. Then I received this on my desk from a student:

""Papper Prayer
Lord I pray for Mrs. Murphy son that you keep him safe in heaven with you Lord. And Mrs. Murfy don't you wory beacause evething is going to be alright. I keep my prayers. And I hope his birthday in heven is wonderful is wonderful! We love Sawyer!"

Blessings to my heart, they really are. Speaking of Sawyer's 5 month birthday - I took him new flowers and his cousins came to visit him! Here is my post from Facebook:

Sawyer,

Happy 5 month birthday sweet boy! I miss you so much, especially on days like today when the sadness seems to overtake me. You are the biggest blessing and I am so proud to be your mommy. Lots of people love you and miss you a whole lot but we all know we will see you again one day! I think what makes today especially hard is that it is your Otter Pop's birthday. I desperately wish you were here to celebrate with us, but I know you wouldn't want us to be so sad. I'm bringing you your new flowers tonight and I think your cousins are coming for a special visit. I made cupcakes last night - chocolate with white icing because those are your daddy's favorite and I bet you would have loved them too. I wish the pain was easier but it still stings every morning. I will love you forever, and miss you until I can see you again.
Love,
Mommy

October 13, 2013 marks one year since we made the announcement on Facebook that we were expecting. It is hard to think back to those feelings of excitement because I am still very much in the middle of my grief. I desperately wish I was still living in the midst of that excitement and joy, but I have been left with heartache and sadness. I do find joy in my memories of Sawyer and that I was blessed to be his mommy, but it is not the outcome I had envisioned that brought me so much joy when that announcement was made one year ago.

Monday, October 14, 2013 my support group put on a Remembrance Event in lieu of October 15 and National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It was a beautiful event and I am so thankful I was able to participate and remember not only Sawyer but all other babies represented by their families. We were able to light a candle in Sawyer's memory and release rose petals over the lake. The families that are a part of my support group are unbelievable and I am SO blessed that I know them, I just wish the circumstances were different. Here are some pictures from that night.

Sorry for the bad picture quality, blame it on my phone!

Thursday night was rough and I went in to school feeling down. I walked in to find this on my desk:

The student told me that he knew how much I liked pumpkins so he wanted to bring me something. (Side note: My school sent out an email with a link to my blog asking the parents and students to participate. I am continually blessed by this school and the community of people. This student told me he read the post about how much pumpkins meant to me.) I thought it was so sweet, and I knew it was God reminding me that not all things are bad. His timing with everything is so perfect! The student had written "from: your favorite student and something was scratched out above student. He came at the end of the day and said "did you see where I scratched something out? It originally said "from: your favorite man". I seriously laughed so hard! These students are great!

These days have been flying by but moving at a snail's pace. How that is even possible, I don't know. I am enjoying life but sad all at the same time. There is still so much I wish was different and I am trying to learn to live without. I am a stronger person but also a changed person. The Ashlyn that existed before Sawyer entered this world is an Ashlyn that will forever be different and that is okay with me. I have learned to cherish the moments and make memories because we don't ever know when we won't be able to make memories anymore. I was only able to make 18 days worth of memories with Sawyer, but they are the memories I cherish the most in this lifetime. I spent last night with my sweet boy. I posted about it on Facebook and someone commented saying they were sorry I had to be visiting a grave and that I wasn't at home snuggling my boy. I am too, but I am thankful for the love of my Savior and His sacrifice that means I will see my baby again. Because of the redemption of Christ and His forgiveness of my sins and my choice to give my life to Him, I will spend eternity with my Lord and Savior, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and my sweet baby boy. 

Look for a post with the pumpkins from Tuesday night's lighting, and a post from the "picture a day" Capture Your Grief challenge I have been participating. They will be coming soon. 

Thank you for your continued love and support, always meaning more than you know and more than I can convey.

Until next time,
Ashlyn