Happy First Birthday, Sawyer!

Words escape me as this day has approached faster than I ever imagined. I'll start first with my letter to Sawyer.

Sawyer,

What a whirlwind this last year has been *without* you here. I desperately wish your 18 days with us would have been longer, and carried you through many more years of life here on Earth. Instead of celebrating your first birthday in Heaven, I truly do wish we were celebrating having you here. I know that you are probably having the party of a lifetime, but my mommy heart wants my baby here. I want you here. I can only imagine what life would have been like, had we brought you home... I imagine we would have been best friends. I imagine you would have loved being surrounded by a household of animals. I imagine you would be quite the trouble maker. I imagine I would have covered you with kisses, every single day. I don't like that I have to imagine what life would have been like, and I don't like that I will have to continue imagining for the rest of my life - but I will. I will continue imagining because I will forever miss you until we are reunited again. Forever. I could go on, but all I want to say is that mommy loves you so much. I miss you more and more every day. I wish I could have saved you, saved you so that you were still here. It's not fair that we are living life without you. Happy birthday, my precious boy. Happy, happy birthday.

Love,
Mommy

It is strange to think that a year ago I was laying on the operating table after 24 hours of labor. I remember everything, well aside from the in and out of consciousness from the pain medicine, about that day/night.
I remember that my epidural didn't work the first time, and they wouldn't listen.
I remember telling the doctor that 24 hours of labor was enough, and it was time for something else to happen.
I remember being scared out of my mind that something would be wrong when they pulled Sawyer out.
I remember them telling me that I would feel some pressure in my lungs - pretty sure they don't know the definition of pressure.
I remember hearing Sawyer cry three times before it was too hard and he had to be intubated.
I remember being wheeled to recovery and people coming in and out, but all I cared about was seeing Sawyer.
I remember the pediatric cardiologist telling me "You done good" in reference to his size; a whopping 8 pounds!
I remember my big hospital bed going through the NICU to see my sweet baby.
I remember when they told me he would have to go to Egleston.
I remember holding him for the very first time before he was taken to a completely different hospital.
I remember the excitement.
I remember the fear.
I remember the tears.
I remember the joy.
I remember it all. 

I didn't have the normal birth experience, but it did not change the way I felt about my son. I didn't have him placed directly on my chest after birth, but I didn't love him any less.

I've struggled over the past year with why I went through a pregnancy and birth, only to have my baby taken away from me just 18 days later. It's not fair that I haven't been able to see my baby change and grow, like all the other moms get to do. It's not fair, and I hate it. Our parents and siblings weren't even able to hold their nephew/grandchild until after he passed away - how is that fair? I don't have a normal life, and I never really will. Rhory will never know her big brother, nor will any of our future children. People will continue to struggle to understand our grief, that isn't just going to go away.

Over time I have realized that this isn't over. Just because it has been a year and we are further out from his birth and death does not mean that it is getting easier. I have been surprised by those that have been there for us, and then those that have just up and walked out or tried to be there when it was convenient for them. I am thankful for the friends who have stood by our sides and supported us when the going was tough, which was more often than not. Words cannot adequately convey the pain that we have felt this last year, nor can the convey the pain we will continue to feel, especially today. I struggle with even saying "happy birthday" because the truth is that this is not a "happy" birthday -- it sucks. No mother should have to plan a birthday party for their son's first birthday when he isn't even here. Instead of making a cake for his grave, I should be deciding what his smash cake will look like. All I want is to hold my baby again, and that won't happen any time soon.

 Here is the very first picture of our sweet boy! Josh snapped a picture so I could see him before any one else. Unfortunately he was taken to the NICU while I was in recovery so I had to wait for what seemed like forever to see Sawyer. All I wanted to do was see my baby and hold him - feelings that haven't changed much now. 

Sawyer was born at 12:09 AM, via c-section, on May 9, 2013.

He weighed a whopping 8 pounds.

He was 21 3/4 inches long.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Our first family picture. I didn't know if I would be able to hold Sawyer before he was taken to Egleston so this was such a special surprise. A moment I will surely treasure forever. 

Over the course of the year I wish I was able to take those monthly pictures to document Sawyer's growth, but I wasn't. Instead I spent those months taking new arrangements out to his grave, each with a special touch and something that tied in to the number of months he would have been. For his first birthday I struggled with what the best arrangement would be. I wanted something special. Here is what we came up with:

 

 There are not only the elephant and giraffe next to his name, but also a lion and zebra that go around the back. I know Sawyer would have loved safari animals just as much as I do.

 

Tonight we are celebrating with our family and close friends at a dinner. Josh and I have been working hard for a few weeks to pull everything together, and while I wish Sawyer was here, I am glad we will be surrounded by our families. We have a few special things planned as a surprise and I can't wait to tell you all once the dinner is over. I am apologizing in advance for the onslaught of pictures I will be posting to Facebook tonight. Tomorrow morning is the Heart Walk - rain or shine, we will be there. Our shirts look amazing and I am excited to see everyone who is showing up to support us. 

 

Thank you for your continued prayers and messages/comments/texts. I haven't responded to much of anything today, but I have read them all.

 

Love,

Ashlyn