Mother's Day 2014

“A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see, but by the love that she holds in her heart.”

- Franchesca Cox

This Mother's Day is extremely different from what was going on last year. Here is a flashback to what was going on Mother's Day 2013:

Last year I was just three days out from giving birth to the most precious little boy. I was still in a lot of pain and having to be wheeled around Egleston in a wheelchair. Josh and I woke up in our hotel room later than I had wanted and rushed to Walmart to get something for both our mothers and then book it over to Egleston to spend some time with Sawyer. I remember being so late and feeling so guilty about not arriving early that I had a complete break down in the hallway on the way to see Sawyer. You see, I had wanted to be there right when we could walk in the doors (after rounds) and not leave all day. The reality was I wanted Sawyer to be at home and I hated that I was spending my first Mother's Day in the hospital with my son who was fighting for his life. The nurses were so sweet and came around to snap a picture of us together and make me a little card from Sawyer, something I will treasure forever as it is the one tangible object I have of my only Mother's Day with Sawyer here.

This year is an exact opposite of last year, because Sawyer isn't here and he was last year. All morning my phone has been blowing up with text messages from sweet friends acknowledging me as a mother and I am so grateful for that. At times my life seems so surreal and I have found myself asking the question "Am I really a mom?" I know that I am, though. I know that Sawyer made me a mom, even though he isn't here for me to be a mother to him. I just wish I was holding him in my arms today, rather than in my heart. Sawyer made me a mother and nothing with ever change that. I will forever hold him in my heart, until the day we are reunited and I hold my precious boy in my arms again. Today isn't easy and follows very closely on the heels of his birthday which I think makes it slightly more difficult. September is coming quickly and I will have another one of my children to hold in my arms. Rhory is a definite blessing from God, just as her big brother was a short year ago. God's plan has been evident over the last year in more ways than I ever thought possible. As much as I long for Sawyer to be here I know his life on Earth would have been one of many struggles due to his early medical complications. His life on Earth was only 18 days but he is spending an eternity completely healed with his Heavenly Father. I won't know this side of Heaven why God chose to have Sawyer live here only 18 days, but today I am trying to be thankful for the boy that made me a mother. Obviously my heart is breaking because I am a mother with empty arms, but my heart is full of love for that sweet boy.

I would also like to wish a very Happy Mother's Day to my mom, Amy. From as long as I can remember she has given her time very selflessly to me and my brother ensuring that we always felt loved and appreciated. She is the best mother I could have ever asked for and the best grandmother for Sawyer, Rhory, and all of my children to come. We have had our ups and downs, but I thank the Lord for her every day and the love she continues to show me on a daily basis. My favorite memories would have to be waking up every morning to a delicious breakfast before school. Seriously, every morning was muffins, cinnamon rolls, english muffins, etc., and I find myself wondering how in the world I will be able to do that for my children because I still can't wake up on time! Thank you mom, for being the best mom and teaching me how to be the best mother to my children. I love you!

Also, Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful mother-in-law, Marla. Thank you for raising such a godly son who has loved me unconditionally from day one. I can see all of the wonderful qualities that you have instilled in him, and I am so thankful. Thank you for standing by us through this last year and loving us both, and Sawyer, unconditionally. We love you! 

I know I am not the only one with a broken heart this Mother's Day. I am praying for you all who have lost a child, lost your mother, or are longing for a child of your own. You are not alone this Mother's Day. Choose today to cherish those around you, and remember the ones we will be reunited with again one day.

In honor of my empty arms this Mother's Day, here are some of my favorite pictures with Sawyer.

Sawyer may not be here today, but there is nothing that changes the fact that he made me a mother. He will always have a special place in my heart, always. Happy Mother's Day to you today.

Love,
Ashlyn