this is it...

   Tomorrow I will be heading in to the hospital to start the process of induction. I have spent the last few days just enjoying time with Josh, before we add our new addition to the family, and also reminiscing on the whole pregnancy. Our lives are about to change forever, and I still don't think I am ready for it!
   When we first found out we were pregnant back in September we were both so excited! We immediately told our parents, but waited for our first appointment to tell the rest of our families and also our friends. I really wanted to tell everyone as soon as the test was positive, but I also wanted to have our first appointment just so we could "see" that everything was okay and we were in fact having a baby! The first five months started out pretty typical (based on what I had seen in the movies/TV/books) and I had terrible morning sickness. It was so bad I could hardly even eat and had to get a prescription from my doctor to help with the nausea. I remember people saying "it just means you have a healthy pregnancy!" - looking back I wish that was the truth. What I wouldn't trade to go back to the time when my only worry was the fact that I was so sick and couldn't eat nor keep anything down. We found out on December 4 that we were having a little boy! I had secretly been hoping for a girl, but was just as excited that we would be welcoming a son in to the world in a few more months. Our feelings of joy and excitement were quickly set aside by the feelings of fear and worry from our appointment on January 3 when our lives and the pregnancy changed forever.
   I remember heading in to the anatomy scan for our 20 week appointment after having several nightmares the week before that something was wrong. To be honest, I can't even remember what I dreamed was wrong, but I know they woke me up every night for five or so nights before the appointment. We headed in for the appointment with feelings of excitement, and left feeling like we had been punched in the face. I am thankful that God chose Josh and I to be together because his sense of calmness and reasoning is really what got me through the next few weeks until we really found out what was going on. No one ever wants to hear that anything is wrong with their child, and it certainly doesn't feel good when the doctor says that they don't even really know what is going on and sends you to a specialist. I started looking at everything differently. What if I had not complained about being so tired? What if I had just sucked up that I was sick and stopped complaining? I know none of this was my fault, or anyone else, but it is such a natural feeling to try and blame yourself. I did get some reassurance from the cardiologist who told us that heart conditions like this usually develop in the first few WEEKS of pregnancy, so there really was NOTHING I could have done. I didn't even know I was pregnant when this was all happening. 
   As the months went on we were faced with more trials and it brought us closer together all the while I felt like I was falling apart. I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus Christ, because without my faith I honestly don't know where I would be today. Through these trials, He has never left our side and has continued to bless us in ways that we couldn't have imagined. The month of April was pretty 'relaxing' compared to the previous months, but as the month came to an end the feelings and emotions associated with the birth and what we are facing afterwards started to resurface. Pregnancy and birth and a new baby all bring fears of their own, but once you add in a lot of unknowns it really amps up the fears, at least that is what it seems like to me. I am so excited to meet baby M but I am so fearful of what is to come after he is born, because we really just don't know. We know that he will need immediate attention after his is born to stabilize him and also to figure out what all is going on, but other than that we don't really know what to expect. A lot of people have been saying "don't worry, everything is going to be okay", but in all reality that is not comforting at all. I am trusting that whatever happens is all in God's hands and a part of His plan, but that does not mean everything is just going to be okay after he is born.
   We are heading to the hospital tomorrow evening and baby M should make his grand entrance sometime on Wednesday. I know we have a lot of people that are excited to see him and hear his name, but we won't be posting anything until Josh and I are able to see him and also let our families know that he is here and also what all is going on. I promise we will update you once we are able to - just understand it may not be right away! We are so thankful for all of your prayers throughout this journey, and it is far from over. God has taken care of us up until now, and I have no doubt he will be with us tomorrow and the next days following baby M's birth!

Please pray that the induction process goes smoothly and does not have to end in a c-section. 
Please pray for our nerves throughout the next few days.
Please pray for all of the doctors and nurses involved in the delivery and after care of baby M.

Excited to be able to introduce our baby boy to the world!

Love,
Ashlyn