Let me start of by saying what I am thankful for this weekend. I am so thankful for my dad and the influence he has had on my life up until now, and the influence I know he will continue to have throughout the years. His support (and my mom's) throughout this terribly tragedy has meant more to Josh and I than words could ever convey, ever. I remember a lot about my childhood, but several things stick out. When my dad would tuck me in he would tell me about how things were made. He told me about everything from ceiling fans to ice cream. As I got older we became closer and there were nights we would stay up until 5 am talking about anything and everything, but especially how we were really the only normal people in the world. He taught me to be confident in myself and to do whatever I have set my mind to do in life. I'll never forget the night Sawyer had his surgery and he had to be put on ECMO. We came out of the consultation room and I basically fell apart telling my parents what happened and my dad was the only holding me together and telling me to be strong. Dad - I am so thankful for you and everything you have done for not only me, but also Josh and Sawyer. Thank you for being the Godly influence in our home and teaching me about Christ's love for me through your actions. I know Sawyer loved his Otter Pop. I love you dad!
I am also very thankful for Josh's dad (and mom). Without either one of them I wouldn't have my wonderful husband. I know Josh's dad raised him to be a wonderful Christian man and also taught him a lot about love. I am also thankful for the relationship we have. I wasn't sure when I met him how that would work out because we literally have the same personality (loud, outspoken, and silly) but it really has been a blessing. Now when I make smart-butt comments he laughs and says "I think she likes me". It's true - I love both David and Marla more than words can convey and also am so thankful for the support they have given and continue to give through this trial in our life. David, thank you for raising such a godly man who loves me with all of his heart and teaching him to be a great father. I am so thankful for your humor and that we can be silly and cut up with each other. Thank you for being the Godly influence for Josh and showing him Christ's love through your love for him. I love you!
Now for the hard part. This is Josh's first Father's Day, and also his first without Sawyer. I am so so so sad that this is how our life turned out like this. We go out to restaurants and no one knows that we are parents. I just want to run around screaming telling everyone what happened so they understand. No father should ever celebrate his first Father's Day while grieving the loss of the son that is no longer with him. Josh and I grieve differently - as many men and women. He is a silent griever while I like to just let all my emotions out, hence the blog. I have struggled with what to do for Father's Day. I know Josh deserves to be recognized because he is an amazing father to Sawyer, I just didn't want it to be something that made him more sad. Many of you who were at the funeral remember the words he said - the words that broke everyone's heart. I am so sad that Josh will never get to teach Sawyer to play golf, go hunting, or play baseball. These are things that some fathers take for granted - but please don't, appreciate it because some fathers, like Josh, never have the chance when they would desperately love to do those things. Josh loves Sawyer and the way he cares about him and fought for him made me love him even more. I know Sawyer knows how much his daddy loves him. I also know that Sawyer wouldn't want either of us to be sad all the time, but it is a struggle because not only am I missing the memories I will never be able to make, I am missing the ones that Josh won't be able to make either. Josh, you are an amazing husband and father. I am thankful that we have grown even closer through the midst of something that probably tears most couples apart. We will see Sawyer again and he will be his daddy's best bud. I've said it before, but I'm pretty sure there is a golf course in Heaven and Jesus is teaching Sawyer how to play right now so you can play with him once we are reunited. I love you, and Sawyer does too.
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| "Happy Father's Day, daddy. I love you very much!" - Sawyer |
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| my precious, precious family |
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| what a wonderful memory |
I have to thank my Heavenly Father for his love and mercy. It's not just this day He should be celebrated and praised, but if we are celebrating our fathers, he needs to be included. A lot of people have told me how strong we are, but this is far from the truth. The only strength we have is from Christ. We have received comfort in knowing that Sawyer and us will have eternal life with Him, which means we will see him again! This doesn't always make the pain here on Earth easier, but it helps at times. Sawyer was very, very sick and God knew it was time to take him home, to give him complete healing. We prayed for God to heal our baby, and He did. I will be the first to tell you that it was NOT the way I wanted, but it was the way God designed. God knew our lives before we were ever thought of by our parents, and He knows what the future holds for us (Jeremiah 29:11). I am thankful for Him teaching both Josh and I more about this life we were given, and for being there for both of us through this unimaginable loss. He has never left our side, and never will - for that I am grateful.
Nothing will change what happened. I wish it would, but Sawyer is gone and we can't bring him back to earth to be here with us. I am choosing to use this trial to praise Him and try to be a source of encouragement to those who may be struggling with something similar. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV)" We may never understand the ways of The Lord and the plans He has for us here on Earth, but we are called to live by His word. It's been a struggle to trust Him, especially when I feel like Sawyer was literally ripped away from us. God has a plan, that is what I cling to for our lives. I hate when people say "you can try again" or "you will have more children" - thanks, I know that. What people don't seem to get is it doesn't matter how many more children we have, Sawyer was our first baby boy and he always will be and no future children will take away this pain or be some kind of "replacement", that isn't how it works. I know that people don't know what to say, and that whenever someone says something it is usually with the best intentions, but that is a hard one to hear because it just isn't comforting at all. I saw a quote the other day that said grief is almost like drowning, everyone else around you is continuing to breath while you are struggling for air. This is so true, it seems like everyone else has just picked up and moved on with life and we are just stuck here. We struggle through each day, especially these painful holidays, trying to figure out what "normal" even is anymore. The pain will never go away, we will just learn how to live with it. I know that all of this is being used for His glory and I am trying to keep my head up. My friend sent me this verse the other day:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18"
This is the promise we have from Christ, that because of our personal relationship with Him and believing in Him, we will see Him, and our sweet Sawyer again because what is unseen is ETERNAL. Sawyer isn't struggling anymore, God was merciful and called him home because his life here on Earth probably would have been one of suffering. Thank goodness for this promise of eternal life ("For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16) we will see our sweet baby boy again. The days will turn to weeks that will turn to years, all time passing by putting us closer to the moment we will see him again. God loves us, and you, more than anyone could EVER imagine. Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." We have done nothing to deserve this love, yet He has given us everything. Thanking God and praising Him for all of His blessings and comfort through this trial.
Happy Father's Day to you, fathers. Be a Godly influence in your home and teach your children the love of God and show them that love through your actions. Love your wife the way God loves us, it will be the way your children treat other people. You are one of the main influences in your children's lives - teach them how to love and be loved. Be silly, be serious, be encouraging, be everything for your children and cherish those precious moments!
With love,
Ashlyn
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18"
This is the promise we have from Christ, that because of our personal relationship with Him and believing in Him, we will see Him, and our sweet Sawyer again because what is unseen is ETERNAL. Sawyer isn't struggling anymore, God was merciful and called him home because his life here on Earth probably would have been one of suffering. Thank goodness for this promise of eternal life ("For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16) we will see our sweet baby boy again. The days will turn to weeks that will turn to years, all time passing by putting us closer to the moment we will see him again. God loves us, and you, more than anyone could EVER imagine. Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." We have done nothing to deserve this love, yet He has given us everything. Thanking God and praising Him for all of His blessings and comfort through this trial.
Happy Father's Day to you, fathers. Be a Godly influence in your home and teach your children the love of God and show them that love through your actions. Love your wife the way God loves us, it will be the way your children treat other people. You are one of the main influences in your children's lives - teach them how to love and be loved. Be silly, be serious, be encouraging, be everything for your children and cherish those precious moments!
With love,
Ashlyn
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| forever in our hearts, we love you Sawyer! |
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