one week.

It has been one week since we lost our sweet Sawyer. I haven't written much on the blog because, to be honest, I don't even know what to say. One week, 7 days, has felt like an eternity of pain and heartache to both Josh and I. This nightmare we have been living is not getting easier, it is almost getting harder. I never thought we would be in this place, and I never wanted to be here, ever. My mom said it great the other day on her Facebook page -

 "I do not know how anyone can make through a day like this without the saving grace of the Father.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God, he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. ".
Psalm 62: 5-8"

She posted this the day of the funeral, but it is true for this whole entire experience. If it wasn't for the hope I have of one day being reunited with my son and my Heavenly Father, this would bring more heartache than I have already experienced. If I didn't know my son was completely happy AND healthy, the sadness would probably cripple me. Don't get me wrong, I am still very sad and completely heartbroken, but it has been part of the healing to remember how happy Sawyer is and that we will one day get to love on our sweet baby. God has a plan for all of this, despite whether we can see it now or in forty years. My human nature would prefer he just shows me the plan already. And maybe he has? Maybe the plan was to bring me closer to God in a way I never imagined and maybe part of the plan was to use Sawyer and his story to bring people from ALL over closer to God, that part of the plan I have already seen. Maybe the plan was for one of Sawyer's useful organs (we decided to let him be an organ donor) to save another baby's life. If that was part of the plan I hope we can meet that family one day. Although he was only with us for a short time, 18 days, his life has made more of an impact on me and many others than most will in their ENTIRE lifetime. Someone shared this verse with us at Sawyer's service: "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14. We have already seen some of the goodness of the Lord through this circumstance, and I am sure there is more to come.

Everything reminds me of Sawyer. Everything. We went in to an ice cream shop yesterday where a dad bought his daughter some ice cream - something we will never do with Sawyer. This whole trip reminds me of Sawyer because I desperately wish he was here with us, and we were making memories with him, but we aren't. The pain I feel is a combination of missing Sawyer and missing the memories we will never be able to make with him. I said some of this at the funeral, but I am going to post it here again. I will never take Sawyer to preschool, I will never plan a first birthday party for him, I will never take him to the beach, and I will never watch him graduate high school. I will never hear him say "mommy" or "I love you", which completely breaks my heart. It has been one week since I held Sawyer, and the time will just keep increasing. Whenever I get sad, Josh reminds me that Sawyer is here with us in our hearts, and that is SO true. I found this "poem" that has helped me find joy in all of the things that bring my heart pain:

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry. 

  Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies. 

  Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.

  Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind. 

  You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. 

  I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love. 

  I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. 

  Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light. 

  You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. 

  That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain. 

  When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. 

  Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose. 

  When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, 

  Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug. 

  So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry. 

  I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

Luckily the wind has been blowing a good bit around here and I have been getting lots of kisses upon my nose :) Sawyer was a sweetheart and I know he is looking down on Josh and I and watching over us. I miss being able to see him every day, but I am waiting until that day when I can see him again. I am SO thankful for the sacrifice that Christ made for all of us so that we can spend eternity with Him and Sawyer. It will take time, but I hope these things that make me so sad now will eventually be a reminder of the deep, deep love we have for Sawyer and the love we know he has for us. God blessed us with a special little boy, that I know for sure. 

If there is one thing that all of this has taught me it is to cherish the little things. I cherish every time he looked around at Josh and I, every smile, every dirty diaper, and every time he grabbed my finger. Life is short, this one extremely short. Please cherish these moments with your little ones, and all of the times you feel exhausted and overwhelmed, just praise the Lord he has blessed you with another day. Praise the Lord when they draw on the walls or pitch a fit over a toy at the store - both of these things, and many more, Josh and I will never experience with Sawyer. Love your little ones.

Sawyer was our little heart warrior. He will forever be in our hearts.