I spend a lot of my time thinking about Sawyer. Thinking about all the things I was able to do with him and, like I have said before, the things that I will never get to do with him. My family has always taken a beach trip every year to the same place - St. Augustine. I was excited when we found out we were expecting that I would be able to take my baby to the beach this year. Reality has started to sink in that I won't be taking Sawyer with me. I don't have to go on this trip, but my parents have offered to take Josh and I as another source of relaxation as our grief and emotions are still very real and very painful. I do know that if I choose to wait and put it off it will make it that much harder next year. I am going to fight through these emotions and try to spend some time with family and cherish the moments, but I know it will be hard to be there without Sawyer.
I said last week that I was able to decorate Sawyer's grave and he is all ready for July 4th! I added a sunflower this week, and a special heart balloon. I also went to read him a story. Here is the post from my Facebook page:
"I went to visit Sawyer today. took the book "On the Night You Were Born"
and read it to Sawyer. The last page says "Heaven blew every trumpet and
played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born." And
the opposite page has two giraffes. what a perfect book for my sweet
boy. I took him a heart balloon last night and this afternoon it was
blowing all around my face. I know Sawyer was there with me, listening
to his mommy read him a book. I desperately wish he was here physically,
but I am so thankful he is happy and healed with Jesus."
Right before I went to go see Sawyer I had stopped by the house to pick up the book and check the mail (my least favorite thing to do these days). Luckily there weren't any bills, but there was a card. Let me start by saying that whoever notifies third party organizations about my baby's birth should really have the decency to let them know about his passing as well. Because when they don't... I get cards like this:
Luckily I was already headed to see Sawyer or this would have really sent me over the edge. I was already having a pretty crappy day so it wasn't that big of a deal to add another scoop to the bowl. I know that whoever sent this card didn't know, but I REALLY REALLY wish there was a way for all parties to be notified of a baby's passing so the family doesn't have to open their mailbox to this. This is more heartbreaking than the stinking bills.
Yesterday was my 6-week check up with Dr. Pohl, my OB. I walked in for my appointment and was greeted by a FULL waiting room. The one thing I love about Dr. Pohl is that he really cares about his patients, and sometimes that means you are seen later than your original appointment time. I checked in and took a seat amidst many, many pregnant women (really only 4 or 5) and waited to be called back. Typically waiting rooms are silent, you know - everyone just sits there all awkward-like and staring at each other... NOT this time... they all decided to get to know each other in the waiting room. Wednesdays are the days that Dr. Pohls office does the 20 week appointment and tells you the gender of your baby. Yesterday was Wednesday. Everyone in the office was told they were having a boy. I was able to handle the small talk for a few minutes, but then it just kept going and going and going. I went to ask to sit in another room or if they could call me when they were ready for me and I just lost it. They let me sit in a back room (the room I did all the NST's in when I was pregnant with Sawyer) and wait for my turn. I eventually saw Dr. Pohl and he said that every thing looks great! I have lost 30 pounds since the last time I was in his office - I had lost all my baby weight 5 days post delivery and then I'm guessing I lost the rest in the weeks after Sawyer's passing. I now officially weigh less than I did before I got pregnant! Thanking God for little blessings.
After the emotional breakdown at Dr. Pohls office I headed over to see the ladies at Dr. Videlefsky's office. (Short story - I had thought my appointment with Dr. Pohl was Tuesday, so I had stopped by Dr. V's office to say hello to them, and Dr. V popped his head out to say hello as well. They told me they had a gift for me but it wasn't done. After I realized my appointment was the next day I told them I would just come back.) I really love the office staff. They were always so friendly when I was in there for appointments when I was pregnant with Sawyer and came to check on me after delivery. A few of them, including Dr. V, were able to make it to the visitation and I was so grateful that they were there. Anywho, here is the gift they gave me... I am going to repost from my Facebook page:
"I don't know if I have ever said how much I love Dr. Videlefsky (Sawyers
pediatric cardiologist) and his staff but I truly do. I stopped by
their office after my emotional afternoon at Dr. Pohl's because they
told me they had a gift for me. They presented me with this jar of
stones. They are stones that I can take, one by one, to Sawyers grave
when I go visit him. I can decorate them with different things, and they
started this first one for me with the initial PCS (pediatric
cardiology services). So thankful for these ladies and the blessing they
are to me, especially today!"
This is such a special gift to me and I am so happy they gave it to me! I can't wait to take them to Sawyer when I come visit, which is pretty much every day right now. I might have to get some more stones! I am not sure if I have posted this before but we are planning on doing a memory wall at our house for Sawyer - I can't wait to get started on it!
I can't believe it has been a month since I kissed my baby one last time. I miss his smell, his soft skin, and his beautiful, big eyes. The time he has been away from us is longer than the time he was here with us. It is devastating that I cannot hold my baby. That is all that I long for these days. One month of devastating sadness, one month without him, but one month closer to being with my baby forever. I have a lot more 'months' to make it through but slowly and surely this will get easier to handle. I know it will not ever go away. To those who say time heals all wounds - that is false. Time makes it easier to handle and easier to function, but it will never heal. As I sat at his grave today I told him that he was truly a warrior and that mommy and daddy promise to share his story with all that we meet. His grave marker came in today and it looks amazing. I will post a picture once they get the tree in and get everything situated. What perfect timing that was for a day like today. It brought a smile to my face after a rather dreary morning. Another blessing that happened today? My aunt and uncle dropped off a gift card to La Cazuela so we could get out of the house for the evening and then Kathy Edwards dropped off a pecan pie! If you have had Kathy Edwards pecan pie then you know how excited I was (she and my Mawmaw make DELICIOUS pecan pies!) I am so thankful for the many people that have been a blessing in our lives these past few weeks. I have started to become more accustom to this new life I am living, even though at times I don't really like it at all. His 2 month birthday is coming up, not sure what I am going to do but we will be celebrating in some way! I am still reading through my books - those will get their own separate blog post next week some time.Thank you all for continuing to pray for our family, Josh and I are truly blessed that you are all in our lives.
Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Here is the letter I posted to Sawyer today on my Facebook page:
"Dear Sawyer,It's been too long since I was able to kiss your face, hold you tightly, and tell you how much I love you. I visit you a lot and will always carry you in my heart. I miss you more than words could ever describe. I think about everything I wish I could be doing with you, but I know we will be reunited one day. I'm sure you have lots of friends up there - I can't wait to meet them all! Keep watching over mommy and daddy, we love you so so much!
Love,
Mommy"
I have his beads of courage from Gwinnett NICU and a sunflower in my car as a constant reminder of my sweet boy. He is always in my heart and always with me wherever I go! Here are some of my favorite pictures. Wonderful, precious memories.
 |
| Seriously, have you ever seen a baby this beautiful? |
 |
| I wish I could go back to this day. |
 |
| Perfection. |
Love to you all,
Ashlyn
"Heaven and Earth may separate us today but nothing will ever change the fact that you made me a mom." <3
No comments:
Post a Comment