Usually I try to avoid being at home alone for extended periods of time, especially with Josh being back at work, but sometimes it is unavoidable. I have spent a lot of time with my mom or other friends, and usually I try to leave the house in the morning and come home when Josh gets home from work or right before. I have spent a lot of time visiting Sawyer's grave, the first few times were very hard. In fact, the first time I went I got "stuck" there and couldn't leave. I eventually pulled myself together and left, but I wish I could describe the pain I felt when I tried to leave. I know Sawyer's spirit isn't there and it is just his body, but I felt like I was leaving him all over again. It has gotten better now, and seems to get better the more often I go. I'm still not sure how to get past all of this, to adjust to life without my baby, and to start moving forward. I don't want to ever forget Sawyer and I know I won't, but I cannot sit out at his grave for hours every day. It wouldn't be feasible once I go back to work, and I know for a fact that Sawyer wants me to be out living life and not stuck. He is having a wonderful life with Jesus and he wants me to continue to be happy until we are reunited again.
I have decided that I want to do the flower arrangements for his grave. It is something that I can do myself and something that is just for me and him. I am still not sure how often I will change it, but I know that every holiday will have a new arrangement, maybe a different one each month. Sawyer isn't here to celebrate these holidays with us, but this is something that helps me get through the holidays without feeling like absolute crap emotionally. I put this one up a little early, but Sawyer is ready for July 4th! We ordered the headstone last week so it should be coming in within the next 3-4 weeks. I am using this as a part of my healing process, but there are times when it still makes me very sad. I sent a text to a friend today that said "Instead of getting to celebrate the first year "monthly' milestones, I am going to the store to buy flowers for my sons grave because it is the most I will ever be able to do for him the rest of my life." That sums up how I feel about all of this at the moment.
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| I made this yesterday, thanks to help from my mom! |
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| I really could spend all of my days here. |
| Sunflowers always remind me of Sawyer. After dinner tonight | we took one out to the grave site. |
I still don't know what I want people to say. I mean, there really isn't anything anyone can say to make this better. People ask how I am doing, and I don't know what to tell them. Every day is SO different and some are better than others, but some are much harder. I still don't think it has gotten any easier at all, but there are the days when I can cope better. Every day opens up a new emotional roller coaster but it has helped me to stay busy and occupied. Nights at home have been especially hard because the loneliness is so loud I can hear it screaming in my hear. Josh and I had to run some errands tonight and we stopped by Chili's for dinner (thanks for wonderful friends for a gift card!). As we sat there I started looking around. Almost EVERY table around us was filled with a family. There were two tables in close vicinity to us that had little babies with them. After trying to keep myself together I just let the tears flow. I felt like I had run right in to a brick wall and I just kept hitting it over and over, I couldn't turn around - I was stuck. I got up and ran to the bathroom to try and collect myself. I was then greeted by another mom and her son as she was taking him to the bathroom. I had just walked in so I was stuck standing in a stall while they had a conversation about his shoes and some other things. By that point I was shaking uncontrollably. Josh and I should be at dinner with Sawyer tonight. I should be taking him to the bathroom to change his diaper. But we aren't doing either of those things. We are sitting behind a table with blank looks on our faces as the world goes by and NO ONE knows what has happened to us. I am almost afraid for the next stranger to ask how my day is because I know they are just trying to be friendly and don't really want me to spill my life story to them. I saw our waitress go from table to table, and make small talk with the families and playfully smile at the babies and ask them silly questions. She gets to our table and is just as friendly, asking "What can I get for you two tonight?" I almost wanted to scream "THERE ARE THREE OF US, CAN'T YOU SEE?" But, just like everyone else in the restaurant they can't see. They can't see the love we have for Sawyer, they can't see the pain we are experiencing deep inside, and they also can't see Sawyer. I know he is with us everywhere we go, but only in our hearts. It isn't his physical being which I desperately long to have with me.
I stopped by Lifeway Christian stores today to try and get some books on how to handle/deal with my grief. There were a few I picked up off the shelf and purchased, but the harsh reality is that there is no "set" way to deal with grief. You just have to do it. You have to go through the hurt, the pain, and everything to get to the other side. The devil is in full force while you are grieving, too. He doesn't let up when you try to push out the negative thoughts and the questioning of God. In fact, I think it fuels his fire when we show weakness. I opened my Bible yesterday and was led to these two verses:
"The Lord gives strength to his people; The Lord blessed his people with peace" Psalm 29:11
"God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble. So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes, or the mountains fall into the sea, even if the oceans roar and foam or the mountains shake at the raging sea." Psalm 46:1-3
Even when I want to scream and yell and be completely pissed off, it is okay. God already knows every emotion I am going to experience, and He is right there to pick me up when I fall. Eventually we will get to the other side of this mountain. We will find peace in the Lord and one day we will understand His reasoning. It may not be here on Earth, but I know when we are reunited with our Savior (and Sawyer) we will be able to ask him just what His grand plans were with this terrible tragedy in our lives. I don't have all the answers, and I won't pretend that I do. I don't know why this happened to us, and I don't feel like it should have happened. What I do know is that God has promised us eternal life with Him and I know Sawyer will be there waiting for us. This life is much shorter than the promise of eternal life, MUCH shorter. Everything in my life has made it easy to praise God until now. I am reading the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. Here is an excerpt that I read last night:
He gives and takes away. Have I had moments of genuine questioning where I blamed myself and anyone else I could? Yes. But when the thoughts come, and they will, we must make a choice about who we will be from this day forward. Either we will go through life as bitter servants, or we will make Him famous with our love. I want Him to be famous."
This is all too true of my current situation. Angie and her husband lost their fourth daughter as an infant to some severe birth defects. Her words throughout this book have helped me understand my emotions, that they are okay, and how to praise the Lord through this storm. Sawyer was a warrior and I know he was a warrior for the Lord. He would not want Josh and I to sit around and be bitter servants, he would want his life to be used to glorify God. We are working to pick up the pieces right now, but are working towards using Sawyer and his life for the glory of God and to tell more people about the love that God has for us. I have talked to some people who are in awe of our faith and are struggling with their own. How could we not praise the God that was so merciful to our sweet boy? God swept Sawyer up in His arms and took him home to a life of happiness and no more pain. Had Sawyer made it through the surgery and the complications afterwards there is no telling how much of a struggle his life would have been. Now he is happy, healthy and looking down on his mom and dad - and we can praise God for that. It isn't easy at times, because I would much rather have Sawyer here with us, but I know that this life is a season and we will soon be reunited with our sweet baby.
Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Love to all,
Ashlyn
P.S. There is a free car wash being put on my our church at the Sam's Club in Snellville, GA tomorrow from 10 AM-6PM! Josh and I will be there from 12PM-2PM and would love to meet some of you who have followed the story of our family. All donations will go to our family to help with medical expenses!
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