Heartache

It's been a while since I have written; but I really need to write something. I have so many feelings swirling around that it's time. Warning; lots of raw emotions in this post. I appreciate those of you who have followed our journey and are continuing to do so, and thank you for praying for us. This blog has been an outlet that has really helped me deal with this situation and I hope it will be able to help someone else in the future. I never would wish this to happen to anyone, but the truth is that this happens more than I would ever care to think. 

I am up late with a broken heart. This weekend has been rough, and tonight has especially hit me hard. 

Today is June 9. 

Today Sawyer would have been a month old. 

Today should be a happy time in life. 

Instead of taking lots of pictures to document the changes of Sawyers life and even using those "monthly" stickers on his outfits to track his month by month changes, I am laying in bed crying. I miss my baby so much, and tomorrow will mark two weeks since we had to say "see you later" to Sawyer. I am so thankful for the 18 days we had with Sawyer, but I desperately wish for more. I long to hold my baby in my arms in the rocking chair in his nursery. It hurts to do "normal" things because I am constantly thinking 'Sawyer should be here,' and the hard truth is that he isn't, and nothing will change that. I am struggling with missing the memories that we will never have with Sawyer. I won't lie- it is hard seeing others make these memories with their children. It is hard seeing people announce pregnancies. I miss that time I had with Sawyer, and it's just a reminder of how that time is now a memory. A memory I will hold on to forever. It's hard seeing little boys and their mamas out in public - it reminds me of all the things I wanted to do with Sawyer and won't have the chance to do. It's all just really hard. I want to be that mom posting tons of pictures, but I can't. I won't ever plan a birthday party for Sawyer, take him to the beach, or teach him to ride his bike. I don't say this to make you feel sorry for me - I really say it to get my emotions out and also urge you to spend time with your little ones and love them like crazy. I know I said this in my last blog post but it is still true - life is short, so cherish the memories and make lots of them. 

God blessed Josh and I with Sawyer, and for that I will praise Him. I will be honest - my human nature is pretty irritated that this had happened to us, well lets be even more honest - I'm mad, furious, hurt, etc. Have you ever experienced the heartache and pain that is so intense you can feel it crawling up your throat? I hope you haven't, and that you never will. It sucks. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hope and pray none of you experience anything like this, but if you do I also pray that our story was able to help you in some way. A promise from The Lord that I have had to desperately cling to lately:

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:4 NIV)

And another:

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. (Psalm 119:50 NIV)

I think it's natural to question God in any hard life circumstance, no matter the severity. There are times when I have been so broken I couldn't understand why God would let this happen to us. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) 

I don't have to understand His plan - but I do know his promises for our lives based on Jeremiah 29:11. He has a plan for this, and His plans will continue. Sawyer's life and story have already brought people closer the The Lord. Maybe that was the plan? Sawyer was an inspiration to Josh and I, as well as many others. I can only hope his story continues to touch people, and I believe will. One thing I learned was to love deeper. No one is promised tomorrow. If the deeper love I learned to have through Sawyers life touches just one other person - that is another way his story will continue to have an impact. 

I know that no one knows what to say, and that is okay. Sometimes it is better to just listen or not say anything. Many of you have told Josh and I that you are continuing to pray for us - that itself means more than you will ever know. Please continue praying for peace and strength as we adjust to life without Sawyer, a life we never wanted to experience. Josh and I are also very thankful for the financial support many of you have given us recently. I am trying to get thank you cards out but I wanted to publicly thank you all, it has helped tremendously with medical bills and funeral costs. 

Have you heard the song Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns? I have heard it before, but when I heard it tonight it held much more meaning than it ever had before. If you haven't listened to it - go check it out. Here are some of the lyrics - 

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

God is with us through this storm (I feel like it's a combo of a tornado, hurricane, monsoon, etc). He has never left us, and never will. I will continue to praise Him for the blessing that my beautiful Sawyer was, regardless of the short time we had with him. God will continue blessing us, and we will continue praising Him. 

I am so hurt and broken right now, but I am trying to remind myself as much as possible that my sweet angel will be waiting on me in Heaven and I know I will see him again! I rest in the fact that he is with Jesus having a grand time watching over his mommy and daddy. He will forever be in our hearts and forever be our guardian angel. 

Praising God for this amazing blessing. 

My word I love this beautiful baby boy. I cannot wait to see his precious face again. Mommy loves you so so much Sawyer!